Wednesday, February 3, 2010

New name

I think I should change the name of this blog to, "The Headache" since that is what I have been talking about since October....yes, October!!! Ughhhh!!!! But, I want to chronicle this journey because I do think it will end EVENTUALLY and I want to remember the life lessons I am tired of learning.

So, long story short, the headaches are not gone. The post op pain has gotten MUCH better which means I can now tell which pain is which. When I lay down, not much pain. When I stand up, pain. It really is that simple. I can make it through several hours (almost an entire day) armed with pain pills and the ability to lay my head down when it gets really bad. But, by evening I. have. to. lay. down. There is NO way to avoid it. I even got to enjoy some of the nausea and ear popping today because I really pushed it to far. I can't really concentrate on anything serious for any period of time, which makes work impossible and the pain always reaches a threshold where I get really snippy. I have emailed Dr. S and the plan is for me to wait another week (after this one) to make sure and to let me continue to heal from the last surgery before going back to LA. The writing is on the wall, I know I'm going back. I have no idea what the plan will be this time. Truthfully, it doesn't matter. This is my only option. I have no control. So, as they say on AI, "you are going to Hollywood." This time Mere will stay home with the girls and Tommie will go with me the entire time. We can't keep uprooting the girls and LUCKILY Tommie offered to go again without me asking (I had ZERO intention of asking her to do this AGAIN). At this point in time, she knows all the doctors, the hospital, and the whole routine. And, having her there really is perfect (for me, not so much for her). Sometimes people are just put in your life and it just works. I'm just going to go with it.

I have spent a lot of time in fear of a lot of things. Mostly, that Dr. S won't be able to fix me, I won't be able to work, and I will always be in pain. For some reason, those fears are leaving. I have a deep, abiding faith that just won't let me believe that I would be brought this far and not be able to be a doctor, a mother, a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sister. I will have so much to give after this experience. So much to give back. I'm ready to get on with it! Unfortunately, I have learned that my timeline is meaningless.

I have spent my life planning. Setting goals, meeting goals, and moving to the next one. I have spent my life in the future. Suddenly, I can't plan. I can't say what I'll be doing next week or next month. Of course, I never really could....that was just an illusion. I have today and I am TRYING really hard to enjoy it while I can.

Mere is exhausted. I think the sheer worrying has almost put her over the edge. If I hiccup wrong, she jumps up to check on me. If I get up in the middle of the night, she is up to. If I am in the bathroom for to long (or any room for that matter), she comes to find me. She usually asked me if I have taken my D.ilantin (anti seizure medication) at least once a day. The last surgery caused some (likely temporary) damage to my laryngeal nerve, resulting in hoarseness and occasional trouble swallowing liquids. The end result, I cough a lot because liquids are always going down the "wrong" way. Every time I start coughing, she is there making sure I am ok. I think when this is over, she might sleep for a month. I maintain that I would NOT want the tables to be turned. I think it is easier to be the sick person then the spouse of a sick person. I may not be a smart woman, but I know what love is and ours is getting stronger and bigger by the hour.

And, there is some good news. I called CS hospital last night to start discussing payment plans. Thus far my medical bills (even with insurance) are somewhere near $100,000. I'm SO glad I have insurance (that was sarcastic if you couldn't tell). The woman on the phone was SO nice and helpful. Turns out, they have a financial assistance program that she was pretty sure I would qualify for. She said she feels like it will at the very least pay 60% of my medical bills and at the most 100% and it is good for 6 months. So, first I pray that my spine will get fixed and then I pray for the 100% assistance. Either way, I think it is AMAZING that they have such a program and it makes me want to donate money to them some day (when we actually have money again).

Ok. I'm going to try to get some sleep now. I have a perfect 7 year old sleeping next to me just waiting to be cuddled.


Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry Jess. This sucks. All of it. What can I do to help? Anything?

Anonymous said...

That was me. Rae.

Vickie Stovall said...

Dr. Jess, I think you are one of the bravest people I know. Even though you haven't heard from me in a long while, I want you to know I think of you and your family often and also have you in my prayers. Here's hoping all your pain goes away and you can practice as the brilliant physician I have come to know and respect. forever a friend, Vickie Stovall

K J and the kids said...

F*CK ! Seriously. This is one time I wish you didn't get the yellow card (AI)
In 1 week the pain will mysteriously dissappear. You will feel no headaches and your spine will be that of steel, never to leak again. GOT THAT !
Lots of healing power coming your way.

Jen said...

I don't know what to say other than that I'm really, really sorry, and that you all are in our thoughts and prayers.

Sonya said...

We are praying right along with you! I hope all the prayers are answered.

THANK YOU for the continued updates on your journey.