Friday, June 27, 2008

2 posts, one day

I know I just finished a post but there is something else I wanted to talk about but couldn't find a place for it in the last post.

I was sure this was the month. Mere has been tired, moody, and eating beef....none of which is normal for her. She has had a few bouts of nausea. I just knew she was pregnant. Well, aunt flo came this morning to prove me wrong...again. I haven't been getting my hopes up but this time I had. We were supposed to have a baby by now and we don't even have a pregnancy! My patience is really starting to wear thin.

We have started night weaning Layne in hopes that this will help Mere get preggo sooner. My big fear is that she is going to have to stop nursing to get pregnant. I don't want that because they both love their nursing relationship so much. I don't want it to end before they are ready. I feel responsible. If I could have just gotten pregnant (as the original plan called for) then Layne could keep happily nursing and Mere wouldn't have to be back on the 2 wk cycle of hell. Why couldn't I just get pregnant??????

So, here is the latest plan. After I get through with the boards (August 12th), if Mere is not preggo then I am going back to the repo endo doc. Yes, the thought of more IVF makes me want to puke but the desire for a baby is growing. One of us needs to be pregnant dammit!!!! We are not getting any younger. So she has 2 months to get pregnant b/f we start w/ our egg donor (news to her as she reads this blog) on another journey. Dear God, please let Mere get pregnant. Please. Please. Please.

The End. And Beginning.

I remember the first day of my intern year. I walked into the ICU with my new white coat, my new stethoscope, and a shiny, black pager ready to work. I knew it would be hard but I really had no idea. I remember the end of that first day....I loved it! There was so much action and excitement and I was finally doing what I always wanted to do. Fast foward to now, I will be done w/ my residency on Monday. 3 years later and everything has changed. That shiny, new pager? I CANNOT wait to hand it in....688-2727, not my number anymore! There were times that I just wanted to stomp on it, throw it out the window, and cause it pain (ok, I know that sounds crazy). After my intern year I turned it to vibrate because the shrill beeping made my skin crawl. Yes, I will always have a pager but it will never go off as much as this one did.

The new coats? Well, they have all been worn out and long since put in the trash. I now have 2 white coats w/o any name or title which I wear occasionally. The new stethoscope? It was stolen a few months I'm waiting for another new one.

The biggest change: I'm a doctor. It doesn't scare me to walk into the ICU anymore. For 3 years I have been thrown into the fire and I come out with the confidence of knowing I can practice medicine. I have learned a lot and I have a lot more to learn.

The transition is anticlimatic for me. Monday I'm a resident and Tuesday I'm a fellow. Monday I belong to the department of internal medicine, Tuesday I belong to the dept of Heme/Onc. A lot of the people that I went through med school and residency with are moving away....going out of state for fellowships or getting jobs. People I have suffered with for 7 years that I probably won't see again for a long time. There are also a lot of us sticking around here for our fellowships....wondering if we are crazy for continuing when we could be done. Envious of those leaving UAMS for greener pastures. Ready to face new challenges (but scared too).

Should I be sad at the end of this part of my journey? Maybe, but I'm not. I am so happy that I'm done. I'm so ready to move on to the next (and last step) of my training. I never thought I would be going into Oncology but I know it is the best field for me and I think I'm going to be so happy that I did it. I just can't believe it's over....I did it! Thank GOD!

I think the most profound part of this experience is thinking about our family. When I started residency Syd was 2 years old....2! Now, she is 5 1/2 and turning into such an amazing little girl. In 3 more years, she will be 8. Layne wasen't here at the beginning of our residency journey, now she is 19 months old. She will be 4 when I finish, OMG. It's hard to wish away your training when time is also making your kids grow. Hopefully, when I write about finishing fellowship, there will be more kids to mention.

So, on Tuesday I start in the chemo room. I'm excited, scared, nervous, and relieved. I am finally on the home stretch. 3 more years and I'm done!!!! Here we go again......

Monday, June 23, 2008

BAD blogger

Conversation w/ Mere:

Her, "I saw your blog. Who tagged you?"
Me, "It was Jenn"
Her, "You know you should ALWAYS say who tags you when you respond to a tag"
Me, "oh"
Her, "You need to put that you your blog"

So, to Jenn (aka Amateur Mama)....I'm sorry I didn't recognize the fact that you tagged me!!!! Apparently, my blog manners suck :))

Wednesday, June 18, 2008


I'm still catching up on reading all of my regular blogs. I was tagged in May and I'm just now finding it!!!

Here it is:
How long have you been married? 9 years (10 in April!!)

Where did you meet? We met at work. I was the intern and she had been working there for several years. I had a HUGE crush on her for about a year before we became friends. Then I found out she was straight....yeah right. Another 6 months later and, well, lets just say she realized she wasen't straight.

How long did you date? Hmmmm....not sure. After our first kiss we only spent a few nights apart and a year later we got "married" at a protest in DC during the March on Washington. We are still waiting for the day we can get married here.

How old is she? 39

Who eats more? Probably equal or maybe me

Who said “I love you” first? Me

Who is taller? I'm not sure....I think Mere

Who sings better? Me...of course...yeah, neither one of us could be in a choir

Who is smarter? We are smart in different ways. She is much more mathmetical and is really good at puzzles and putting things together. I'm better at studying!

Whose temper is worse? That would without a doubt be me.

Who does the laundry? She does, we used to share that chore but now that she is at home I don't think I've done laundry in a long time. I'm not complaining.

Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? Meredith

Who pays the bills? Mere. It used to be me until she started staying home. Much like the laundry, I don't miss it.
Who cooks dinner? Only me....Mere is allergic to cooking and I love it.

Who drives when you are together? Mere, I NEVER drive when we are together and I don't know why.

Who is more stubborn? Me.

Who kissed whom first? I kissed her because she basically told me that she was NOT going to kiss me first.

Who is the first to admit to being wrong? We both have a problem with that but Mere is definately more willing to admit to being wrong. I'm still working on that.

Whose parents do you see the most? My mom, she lives 30 minutes away. That is all I'm going to say about that.

Who proposed? She did

What’s her best physical attribute? I love it all but the eyes and the eyebrows are just so AWESOME.

Who has more friends? I'd say about equal. Now that she is doing Daisy Scouts she has become quit the socialite at Syd's school

What are you most proud of her for? Being such an awesome mom and making such a great life for us

Who has more siblings? She does

Who wears the pants in the family? We are equal. There are some things I insist on and some things she insist on

I'll tag Raz-ma-taz.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Saying Goodbye SUCKS!!!!

I remember the day like it was yesterday. It was the beginning of our first semester of medical school and we were standing over a cadaver trying to study for our first big Gross Anatomy test and he was there. We clicked immediately. He had a way of remembering stuff that actually stuck with me, he wasen't competitive, he was sincere and funny. I remember getting in the car and telling Mere, "I met a really good friend today." Fast foward 7 years and 4 kids later (between us both) and you have an amazing friendship that will last forever. My best friend, Matt left today. He moved his family to Pennsylvania to start a career as a pediatrician. I know it is a good move for them but I miss him already.

When I met Matt he was a single, Jewish guy living with his parents in Arkansas...with little hope for finding a Jewish wife in his current location. Now he has a beautiful wife (who I am happy to call a GREAT friend) and 2 perfect children. When he met me, Mere and I didn't have any kids and were still adjusting to life in Arkansas. He was the one who predicted we were pregnant the time that we actually were and then he predicted the due date (and was right). He was the first male to hold Sydney. I will never forget how tiny she looked in his arms. He was the first person I called when Layne started having trouble breathing in the nursery....he is the lifeline that kept me from losing it.

We have been through so much together. So many LATE, LATE nights in med school when no one else could truly understand the hell. So many afternoon study sessions in his tiny apartment (after he moved out of his parent's house) eating pretzels and hot pockets. Marathon sessions at Sufficient Grounds just trying to cram in all the information. Long talks about the future and what field of medicine we would enter. I will never forget how excited he was after our first pediatric small group when he KNEW what he would spend the rest of his life doing.

After med school we formed a great group of young couples with kids working through residency and continued to lean on each other. He has always been one person I can call on for ANYTHING. Broken toilet? No problem. Broken heart? No problem. He knows everything about me and never judges. We have had so many real conversations and experiences together. Watching our kids play and grow together, watching our spouses bond, and becoming REAL doctors all with each other!

Matt, I am so lucky to have you in my life and I will really miss you. This is not goodbye because we will be seeing a lot of each other in the years to will just take more planning. And you better start working on Keren and the cruise now if we want to do it in the next 5 years :) my token jew from your token lesbian...I love you and I will miss you. Oh yeah, and go kick some butt in PA!!! Or at least take care of some ear infections or whatever it is you pediatricans do :)

Friday, June 13, 2008

It's all good!

Results: normal CT scan

Here is Sydney describing the procedure in her own words.

So it's either poor eyesight or migraines. We're investigating both.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

PLEASE be an OVERREACTION!!! I am at work (in small town ER) and I am a nervous wreck. I know I won't sleep tonight so I might as well blog...right?? Besides, I need everyone to say, "it will be are crazy and overreacting." And, if you don't feel that way after this blog then don't say ANYTHING!

So, for the last month or so Syd has been having headaches. Most of the time it is when she is tired and it seems like she is looking for attention. But it has been off and on and not always just when she is tired. Before we went on vacation she was complaining of a headache and then she threw up....just once. There was a bug going around at school so we attributed it to that and kept going. While we were on vacation she did not have any headaches but I did notice that she didn't eat much (which isin't abnormal for her). Yesterday she started complaining of a headache and upset stomach again. It was after a long day at a friend's house and she seemed fine, but still. One of our friends who is a pediatrician suggested that she may need her eyes checked. She had a brief eye exam at her doctor's office last year and it was normal. We have asked her to read a few things far away and she seems to have no trouble with this. I know you know where this is going but let me tell you why.......

One of the nurses that I work with in small town hospital has a grandson with a brain tumor. I have heard the story several times about how he had nagging headaches for several months. All the usual investigations were done and nothing came up.....after about a month they did a CT scan and their worst nightmare was realized.

So I talked to our ped doctor today and he agreed that we should do a CT scan. He also thinks it is nothing but he still AGREED to do a CT SCAN!!!! Now I'm scared. I know it is nothing because it has to be nothing but I'm still really terrified. This fear has been lurking in the back of my mind for the last month. I was hoping all of this would resolve and we wouldn't need to investigate it but she continues to complain of headaches and unfortunately for her I am paranoid. I'm also worried that we are exposing her to radiation for no reason.....she is so young to have all that radiation. But, we have to look. PLEASE LET THIS BE NOTHING!!! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE.

Keep us in your prayers tommorrow.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Home Sweet Home

Thank GOD we are home. Great vacation, loads of fun, NO complaints but so happy to be home. The board review was great, exactly what I needed and I loved having so much time in NY. For the first time in a long time, I don't want to live in NYC. I think 9 days cured me of that fantasy. Of course, I will always love it and we will always visit often but I think visiting is my limit.

We were fortunate enough to see Wicked, Rent, and The Little Mermaid. Can I say that Wicked was super, duper, incredibly AWESOME!!!!! Of course, so were Rent and Little Mermaid. But, Wicked was definately the top....I could see it over and over and over again.

Syd loved the Museum of Natural History b/c there were dinos and a horse about heaven for our little animal lover. Of course, she calls it the "night at the museum." Out of all the fun stuff we did, that was her favorite part. Even better than swimming w/ the dolphins...go figure.

Layne was really good. She sat through a ton of dinners in nice restaurants, the Lion King, and The Little Mermaid. She learned how to say "no" and "mommy" on this trip. She grew a lot and is starting to get some hair!

Mere navigated the subway and buses w/ both girls during the day while I took my course and she was a pro by the time we left. I'm not sure if I would have had the gusto to take them both all day, everyday into the city....but she did...they squeezed every moment out of our vacation.

And I got to shop. OMG, the "fake" purses on canal street....amazing!!! I got 5 and would have gotten more but I had to carry the damn things all through the city. Next time I am going there last and buying as many purses as I can get! The girls were all very good sports while I did my shopping.....I seem to be alone in loving this pasttime. But, Layne sure does like shoes so there may be some hope for a future shopping buddy.

Now, I have to go catch up on reading all of your blogs. I feel like I have been so out of the loop:)