Saturday, April 11, 2009

ER Manual

I wish I could hand this out to ER patients before seeing them. But, I can't for obvious reasons so I will write my dream patient manual here and move on to greener pastures.

If your child is sick, alternate tylenol and motrin every 2 hours. When their temp comes back....keep alternating. If I had a penny for everytime I said this I would be a millionare.

There is no magic pill/cure for viruses. I'm sorry you feel bad, but I don't have an answer. If I did, I wouldn't be working in the ER.....I would be a millionare.

Rashes are not emergencies.

If you have COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease) then don't smoke. This includes pot.

If you cannot get yourself water/food and you are in a nursing home, you will get dehydrated. Very, very dehydrated.

Back pain for 3 months is not an emergency.

Nothing that has been going on for 3 months is an emergency.

I am not a dentist. The only way to cure a tooth abscess is to see a dentist. If you don't have dental insurance, I am sorry but I'm still not a dentist.

There is not much that Ibuprofen can't make better.

Babies cry. That is what they do. I know it is hard but I can't fix it.

If you have seen a billizion doctors for a particular problem, then I am probably not going to be able to fix it on a Saturday afternoon in the ER.

Migraine headaches suck. I KNOW they hurt. I'm still not going to give you narcotics. Sorry.

If you are drunk, please don't come to my ER. PLEASE stay home. If you see someone who is drunk, don't call an ambulance and have them brought to the ER.

You are not suicidal if you took 5 pills and called your friend, mother, sister, etc. You are also not suicidal if you took 5 pills and called the ambulance.

Alternate tylenol and motrin every 2 hours
Alternate tylenol and motrin every 2 hours
Alternate tylenol and motrin every 2 hours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel better now. Much, much better.