Saturday, April 11, 2009

ER Manual

I wish I could hand this out to ER patients before seeing them. But, I can't for obvious reasons so I will write my dream patient manual here and move on to greener pastures.

If your child is sick, alternate tylenol and motrin every 2 hours. When their temp comes back....keep alternating. If I had a penny for everytime I said this I would be a millionare.

There is no magic pill/cure for viruses. I'm sorry you feel bad, but I don't have an answer. If I did, I wouldn't be working in the ER.....I would be a millionare.

Rashes are not emergencies.

If you have COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease) then don't smoke. This includes pot.

If you cannot get yourself water/food and you are in a nursing home, you will get dehydrated. Very, very dehydrated.

Back pain for 3 months is not an emergency.

Nothing that has been going on for 3 months is an emergency.

I am not a dentist. The only way to cure a tooth abscess is to see a dentist. If you don't have dental insurance, I am sorry but I'm still not a dentist.

There is not much that Ibuprofen can't make better.

Babies cry. That is what they do. I know it is hard but I can't fix it.

If you have seen a billizion doctors for a particular problem, then I am probably not going to be able to fix it on a Saturday afternoon in the ER.

Migraine headaches suck. I KNOW they hurt. I'm still not going to give you narcotics. Sorry.

If you are drunk, please don't come to my ER. PLEASE stay home. If you see someone who is drunk, don't call an ambulance and have them brought to the ER.

You are not suicidal if you took 5 pills and called your friend, mother, sister, etc. You are also not suicidal if you took 5 pills and called the ambulance.

Alternate tylenol and motrin every 2 hours
Alternate tylenol and motrin every 2 hours
Alternate tylenol and motrin every 2 hours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel better now. Much, much better.


K J and the kids said...

Ya ya ya ! I've heard it all before.
But I thought it was every 4 hours with kids ? no ?

Sorry you have to deal with ER people. I imagine it gets pretty old :)

amy said...

hysterical!! my brother is a paramedic/firefighter and he has similar complaints. so many people use 911 as their primary care physician which is pretty wild. he's always excited when he gets a legitimate emergency.

Anonymous said...

this is hilarious...for the most part, it really isn't rocket science, is it?!!

Anonymous said...


that was me...nd. indy. whatever!


Jen said...

You make me laugh. Actually, I didn't know it was every 2 hours. I thought it was the usual distance between doses, but to alternate. I learned somthing new! Luckily my normal alternating of meds has always done the trick.

Hide.. Literally! said...

Ha ha I love it! I am going to blog today about my recent vacation and accident that happened and include one of your tips with it. So informative! :)

Sonya said...


megan said...

LOVE THIS!!!! too funny!

Robyn said...

THAT was brilliant. hi-freakin-larious! i bet if you got this published (anonymously, of course) WOULD become a millionaire. could just take your routine on the road to comedy clubs. just sayin'

Anonymous said...

Remind me never to go to your ER! It's doctors with bad attitudes like yours that make parents wait too long to take their kids to the doctor because they are afraid of wasting their money at the ER just to be sent home with a dirty look from the doctor for wasting their precious time and being told to just give them ibuprophen and tylenol.

I realize this is your blog and you have the right to say what you want and I 'll admit that it is nice to actually hear it come out of a doctors mouth rather than reading it from their eyes.

Sarai and Dani said...

When we went to our Ped. this week, I told her about your post and she, Dani and I couldn't stop laughing hysterically for like 5 minutes!!!

srcmartin said...

Amen Sister! Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt! Hope you are doing good! You look great! Mere and the girls are beautiful too!