Friday, November 21, 2008

Membership DENIED

Female? Yes
Years of painful periods, acne, and PMS? Yes
Uterus? Yes
Ovaries? Yes
Fallopian tubes? Yes
Younger than 35? Yes
Membership of the pregnancy club? DENIED

As you all know, we have become very close to the members of the BIG GREEN house.  This is the first couple that we have been friends with where both partners have carried a baby.  This is the first time that I find myself in a group of people swapping pregnancy stories and I am the only one who cannot participate.  I don't have stretch marks, I can jump on a trampoline without peeing, and I have never had cankles.   BUT,  I have never felt a baby move inside me or known true power of my body.  

I have been a part of the mommy club for 6 years and it is the best 6 years of my life.  I wouldn't trade my membership for ANYTHING.  I am so lucky to be in this club with such amazing, perfect, beautiful girlies.  I am their mom and NOTHING will ever change that and I didn't have to get stretch marks or cankles to get them.  It is hard to complain about that.

I guess I still really struggle with how I feel about this whole infertility shit.  There are days I want to carry a baby so bad I can taste it.  But then there are days when I think....oh crap....if I got pregnant and had to go on bedrest we would be in trouble.  I am the breadwinner which makes it seem so irresponsible for me to go down a road where I could potentially get pregnant with more than one baby (i.e. IVF with donor eggs).  For what? An experience?  I am usually a means justifies the end kind of person.  It doesn't matter how you get there.....getting there is the important part.  I already have 2 kids and a fertile wife so I know that we will likely reach our dream of 4 children.  So if I have kids then why does the journey matter?  Does it matter? And, why can't I figure this out?  I am not the sort of person who has a hard time deciding what I want in life.  So, WHY IS THIS SO HARD?

I think being back in the RE's office, injecting Mere with drugs, and discussing things like follicle counts, transvaginal ultrasounds, and trigger injections has brought my infertility struggle back to the surface.   Having to deal with all this stuff I thought I had put to bed.  Aghhhhhh!!!  The good news? Mere has 2 great follicles ready for release so keep your fingers crossed.

Thursday, November 13, 2008


I don't know what is wrong with me lately but I just can't get into my fellowship. Don't get me wrong, I love working with cancer patients and I love reading and learning about cancer but all the stuff in between is already wearing thin. In our program, we have to give presentations ALL THE TIME. At least once a month. And these aren't just any presentations....they are long, dense, and esoteric. Yes, I actually had an attending tell me that my talk needed to be more esoteric. Seriously?? Less than 6 months into it and I already hate these damn talks. It seems like once I get through with one another comes along.

And the conferences.....DAMN, there are so many!! When are we supposed to actually learn? I guess I'm just not digging this program. I know there is nothing I can do about it. I want to be an oncologist and we aren't moving (says my wife) so here I am. But, that doesn't mean I can't complain about it? Here I am again, digging my heels in for another 3 years of misery. Dear God, please help me see the light (not that light, the one at the end of the tunnel).

Right now I'm in the, "I should have been a (insert another specialty)" mode. I'm doing my Heme/Path month which is SUPER laid back and fun. I spend about 2 hrs a day looking at slides and discussing the pathology. Ok...reading that last sentence does not make it sound like fun, but it is! I'm really enjoying it and thinking....why didn't I do pathology? Oh yeah, no patients. I know that the grass is always greener and I KNOW in my heart of hearts that I am where I am meant to be but the motivation has been less than stellar lately.

And then I think, what am I complaining about? I don't have cancer. I'm healthy. I have a great family. So get over it, right?

Tuesday, November 4, 2008


Christmas is around the corner.  Yes, after Halloween it is time to gear up for the holidays.  I know this is true because Starbucks rolled out their seasonal holiday cups this morning, which makes it true.  Now that the weather is getting cold I can also wear my favorite socks....another sign that Christmas is coming

I love this time of year.  Christmas shopping, spending time with family, cold weather, Christmas trees, and socks.  The best part of Christmas morning? Opening the package from my mother in law with the brand new knit socks.  There is nothing better than slipping on a fresh pair of hand made, brightly colored socks.  I get excited just thinking about it.

Really, they are more then socks.  I wear them all the time (I'm wearing a pair right now).  They are soft and cozy and cute, but they are more than that.  When I'm spending a long weekend away from my family working in Newport, I wear my socks (yes, I have more than one pair).  When I'm exhausted and ready to collapse I often look at my socks and am reminded of my family.  Warm, fuzzy feelings pop up when I look at my socks, especially at 3am after being awake for 20 hours.  I love my socks.

P.S. Susan, if you are reading this....hint, hint, hint :)