Years of painful periods, acne, and PMS? Yes
Fallopian tubes? Yes
Younger than 35? Yes
Membership of the pregnancy club? DENIED
As you all know, we have become very close to the members of the BIG GREEN house. This is the first couple that we have been friends with where both partners have carried a baby. This is the first time that I find myself in a group of people swapping pregnancy stories and I am the only one who cannot participate. I don't have stretch marks, I can jump on a trampoline without peeing, and I have never had cankles. BUT, I have never felt a baby move inside me or known true power of my body.
I have been a part of the mommy club for 6 years and it is the best 6 years of my life. I wouldn't trade my membership for ANYTHING. I am so lucky to be in this club with such amazing, perfect, beautiful girlies. I am their mom and NOTHING will ever change that and I didn't have to get stretch marks or cankles to get them. It is hard to complain about that.
I guess I still really struggle with how I feel about this whole infertility shit. There are days I want to carry a baby so bad I can taste it. But then there are days when I think....oh crap....if I got pregnant and had to go on bedrest we would be in trouble. I am the breadwinner which makes it seem so irresponsible for me to go down a road where I could potentially get pregnant with more than one baby (i.e. IVF with donor eggs). For what? An experience? I am usually a means justifies the end kind of person. It doesn't matter how you get there.....getting there is the important part. I already have 2 kids and a fertile wife so I know that we will likely reach our dream of 4 children. So if I have kids then why does the journey matter? Does it matter? And, why can't I figure this out? I am not the sort of person who has a hard time deciding what I want in life. So, WHY IS THIS SO HARD?
I think being back in the RE's office, injecting Mere with drugs, and discussing things like follicle counts, transvaginal ultrasounds, and trigger injections has brought my infertility struggle back to the surface. Having to deal with all this stuff I thought I had put to bed. Aghhhhhh!!! The good news? Mere has 2 great follicles ready for release so keep your fingers crossed.