Friday, November 21, 2008

Membership DENIED

Female? Yes
Years of painful periods, acne, and PMS? Yes
Uterus? Yes
Ovaries? Yes
Fallopian tubes? Yes
Younger than 35? Yes
Membership of the pregnancy club? DENIED

As you all know, we have become very close to the members of the BIG GREEN house.  This is the first couple that we have been friends with where both partners have carried a baby.  This is the first time that I find myself in a group of people swapping pregnancy stories and I am the only one who cannot participate.  I don't have stretch marks, I can jump on a trampoline without peeing, and I have never had cankles.   BUT,  I have never felt a baby move inside me or known true power of my body.  

I have been a part of the mommy club for 6 years and it is the best 6 years of my life.  I wouldn't trade my membership for ANYTHING.  I am so lucky to be in this club with such amazing, perfect, beautiful girlies.  I am their mom and NOTHING will ever change that and I didn't have to get stretch marks or cankles to get them.  It is hard to complain about that.

I guess I still really struggle with how I feel about this whole infertility shit.  There are days I want to carry a baby so bad I can taste it.  But then there are days when I think....oh crap....if I got pregnant and had to go on bedrest we would be in trouble.  I am the breadwinner which makes it seem so irresponsible for me to go down a road where I could potentially get pregnant with more than one baby (i.e. IVF with donor eggs).  For what? An experience?  I am usually a means justifies the end kind of person.  It doesn't matter how you get there.....getting there is the important part.  I already have 2 kids and a fertile wife so I know that we will likely reach our dream of 4 children.  So if I have kids then why does the journey matter?  Does it matter? And, why can't I figure this out?  I am not the sort of person who has a hard time deciding what I want in life.  So, WHY IS THIS SO HARD?

I think being back in the RE's office, injecting Mere with drugs, and discussing things like follicle counts, transvaginal ultrasounds, and trigger injections has brought my infertility struggle back to the surface.   Having to deal with all this stuff I thought I had put to bed.  Aghhhhhh!!!  The good news? Mere has 2 great follicles ready for release so keep your fingers crossed.


tallgirl said...

I can understand what it is like when things don't go the way you planned. I think it is harder for people like you and me who are more goal oriented people who can usually make things happen.

I guess I just want you to know that it is okay to grieve. You don't have to be a big girl and feel good all the time. You also don't always have to do what seems like the most responsible choice. If you and Mere decided you want to take things a step further, then do it.

You already know how blessed you are and that you are not alone. Big Hugs to you.

Rainbow Momma said...

Ah honey. You know we will do whatever it takes to get you pregnant. I love you.

K J and the kids said...

I'm sorry. I can't imagine how hard it is to want to carry and not be able to. Well I do know how it feels to WANT to carry...but to have to give up the dream part I don't understand.
J has never wanted to be the one to carry. She has always been content with me being the carrier.

I hope that you are able to come to a true acceptance of this. Not just a skin deep kind of acceptance.
You are truly blessed to have a two uterus family. I hope it happens soon for you both.

Rachel said...

I feel really awkward leaving this comment - I tried finding a way to email this because what I want to share is actually very personal to me. Anyhow, I'm only 20 - I've never had children. I don't know what it's like to be a Mom and while I want to be a mom very much I'm sure I don't know what its like to have gone through the arduous struggles of infertility.
What I can tell you is this-I have PCOS. I've known ever since I was 10 when I first had unusually debilitating cramps. The doctors have never told me this could affect me having children, but I have a feeling they haven't told me because they think it's not on my mind. But it is-it's on my mind every day. I have been through a lot in my young life(more than some, less than others...I'm not trying to play my violin) and the one thing that has kept me going for as long as I can remember is the prospect of having children someday. I have been to the edge and back and at that edge, the one thing keeping me from falling over is the thought that I have children in the future to live for. I have someone to live for.
My girlfriend and I hope to be married someday and eventually have children. She has no interest in being the carrier and we both have a strong interest in adopting. But I want so very much to carry just one child - to know that feeling I take that you are equally dying to feel.
I'm so scared - terrified even I won't be able to carry a child when the day finally comes. I'm scared the one finite thing that has been keeping me going for the entirety of my young life will suddenly dissapear with one doctors visit. I'm scared PCOS or even something completely random has already ruined me and the child I live for isn't really there.
I understand what you're saying about means justifying an end...doing something all for the sake of experience. Being 'scared' I feel so jealous sometimes, esepcially knowing that there are so many children out there already that I can be a mommy to. But when you say it's hard...I can only imagine.
I'm sorry for writing my own little blog on your page but I felt like I really had to contribute this and let you know I can begin to know how you feel. Be strong (I know you are! you truly inspire me and I don't even know you!)and I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
Much Love

amy said...

i'll bet it has something to do with your general personal and life success. you are someone who gets what you want, you may have to work hard, you may have to pay a lot, but in the end you are use to achieving what you set out to achieve. this is something so far out of your control that it makes it that much more attractive perhaps? i'm not a psychologist but i am a motivated successful person that is use to getting what she wants and i know that the ttc journey and marriage equality struggles made/make me crazy because neither necessarliy care how bad you want them, how hard you work, and how much $ you spend. It's all very frustrating!

Sounds like you guys have some promising follicles to work with right now though so i will hope for some favorable results for you in the next few weeks...

Jen said...

I'm sorry. In a past life I was married to someone who turned out to be sterile. Of course we only found that out after a year of trying to conceive - so I know how that ache inside feels, and how it feels when it seems like everyone around you is getting pregnant and you are not. I'm sorry.

Sarai and Dani said...

So, my wife and I tried for almost 5 years to conceive. I was only 26 at the time and she was only 24 years old. Over the course of the 4.5 years, I did over 18 IUIs, 1 failed IVF, we adopted a 6.5 year old boy throughout the process, and I can't tell you how much I feel your pain! I wanted to carry a baby so badly!!! My wife had no desire to carry, but instead offered to do IVF and let me carry the baby. Needless to say, she is very money minded, and thought, "What if you are really infertile, and it's not just your eggs? That means we would be out a crap load of money!" We decided to both tranfer 5 day blasts. I transferred 3 and she did 2. We both got pregnant, and I carried twins and she carried our singleton. They are 7 & 9 months old now. I am just saying this b/c we thought about giving up soooooo many times. In fact, we had our second home study done and were all ready to adopt a young sibling group when we tried one last IVF. It was harder than anything I have ever been through, infertility. Hang in there! If you really want to be pregnant, there is a way, and I'm sure you will enjoy every moment of it once it happens!!!!
Best of luck!!!
BTW~Don't worry about the money. Life always seems to find ways to work itself out.

Sonya said...

I've tried writing many things... none of it seemed to hit the mark.

So I'll leave you with... I'm sorry! I'm sorry things aren't coming together as you had dreamed they would. said...

i'm with Sonya...not sure what to say...just wanted you to know that i HEAR you. infertility just sucks. it's that whole "not knowing why" piece of it that is just unfair. if you just had something to point your finger at and say..."oh...that's why...and here's what to do," it might be better. i'm hoping that you'll make peace with it. thinking of you, sweetie!

much love!