Thursday, November 13, 2008

Motivation?

I don't know what is wrong with me lately but I just can't get into my fellowship. Don't get me wrong, I love working with cancer patients and I love reading and learning about cancer but all the stuff in between is already wearing thin. In our program, we have to give presentations ALL THE TIME. At least once a month. And these aren't just any presentations....they are long, dense, and esoteric. Yes, I actually had an attending tell me that my talk needed to be more esoteric. Seriously?? Less than 6 months into it and I already hate these damn talks. It seems like once I get through with one another comes along.

And the conferences.....DAMN, there are so many!! When are we supposed to actually learn? I guess I'm just not digging this program. I know there is nothing I can do about it. I want to be an oncologist and we aren't moving (says my wife) so here I am. But, that doesn't mean I can't complain about it? Here I am again, digging my heels in for another 3 years of misery. Dear God, please help me see the light (not that light, the one at the end of the tunnel).

Right now I'm in the, "I should have been a (insert another specialty)" mode. I'm doing my Heme/Path month which is SUPER laid back and fun. I spend about 2 hrs a day looking at slides and discussing the pathology. Ok...reading that last sentence does not make it sound like fun, but it is! I'm really enjoying it and thinking....why didn't I do pathology? Oh yeah, no patients. I know that the grass is always greener and I KNOW in my heart of hearts that I am where I am meant to be but the motivation has been less than stellar lately.

And then I think, what am I complaining about? I don't have cancer. I'm healthy. I have a great family. So get over it, right?

4 comments:

K J and the kids said...

Stop talking in layman's terms would ya :) I can't believe they told you that. Why? you have to use big words, difficult terms for them to appreciate a talk ?

I guess put everything you have in to the time you do spend with the patients and pathology. It will help you get through the other stuff.

And now that you've read this...when it comes your turn down the road. Don't tell the up and coming to be more esoteric :)

Jen said...

I know how you feel. I don't much like my job, but really, I have a great job that pays really well and I don't have to work crazy hours, so who am I to complain. Sigh.

girlranting said...

I LOVED path classes when I was in med school. I always said I wanted to do something of the sort when I went into my specialty. But then my parents found out about me being a lesbian and I had to drop out. Oh well.

Hang in there though, I'm sure it's more than worth it!

amy said...

absolutely but we're all entitled to bitch about our jobs aren't we? it's ok to not love everything about your program. it sounds like you're committed to the track you're on and to your city so you'll wrap your arms around it eventually. in the meantime, it's ok to not always be super motivated about what you're doing. aren't you glad that i just gave you permission? ; )