I had to get this one down before I forget it.
We were driving in the car the other day listening to a kid's cd. The song was about a kid practicing on a balance beam and saying "I'm getting better every day." Layne got really excited from the backseat and the following conversation took place:
Layne: "mommy, this is your favorite song."
Me: "Really? Yeah. OK. I do like this song" (I had never heard this song before.)
Layne: "Because it says I'm getting better everyday, like you."
Me: "You're right Layne. I am getting better everyday."
OK. So maybe I was wrong about her not really understanding that I'm not 100%. I guess I don't give our sweet, smart 3 year old enough credit. I just want to shield them from any worry, fear, and general bad stuff. But, in this situation....it is just impossible. Everyone says, "it is good for them to learn these lessons now." Really? I don't think so. I think it is good for kids to be kids and not worry about adult things like leaky spines, financial woes, and death. No, you can't protect them from all bad things BUT I REALLY WANT TO!!!
I'm worried that Syd is going to quit believing us because everytime I go to LA I tell her I will be better when I get back. Obviously, that has not been the case. I think this time I will tell her that I will be better eventually but I'm not 100% sure that this will be my last trip to LA.
Everytime I hear Syd tell Layne, "we will do that when mommy gets better" a little piece of my heart breaks. For now I am trying to do as much normal stuff as I can with the family. Cook dinner, eat with them, make lunches, help with homework, go to cheerleading games, etc. Things that I can do if I'm fortified with pain meds and a way to put my head down after about 2 hours. Now that I know bed rest doesn't help and being up doesn't hurt.....it is just a matter of how much pain I can tolerate before I become a complete bitch.
My spine might still be leaking but maybe I am getting better at walking on this balance beam.