Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Fear and Uncertainty

So...we are back. Life is no where near back to normal but we are back and together as a family, which is the best gift that can be given. This surgery was A LOT more intensive and invasive then the last one. The pain has been much worse than last time and I have had to rely on pain pills a way more then I like. And, since there is so much post op pain it is impossible to know if the surgery worked. Dr. S said it will take 4-6 weeks to know for sure. And, that is where I spend a lot of time trying to stay out of the fear. If I could know that I was for sure fixed, then I would not have any trouble getting through the recovery. I'm just so TERRIFIED of having to do this over and over again. The good thing? Dr. S said he will not give up on me. That made me feel hopeful and good. For now, 4-6 weeks with no driving and no lifting over 5 lbs. That is really all I have control over right now. That is it. The rest is not up to me. This is a very hard pill to swallow. The financial uncertainty combined with the fear of continued bad health is really just life altering. I don't know how people do this. The further this goes, the less I identify with the doctor and the more I identify with the patient. I know there are no certainties in life....I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. But, when the illusion of certainties is shattered, it starts to mess with you. I pray A LOT and I am trying really hard to rely on my higher power but that is not always as easy as it sounds (or maybe it is).

Syd is confused and a little scared about what to do with me and Layne just wants me to pick her up. I know that if this ever ends, they won't remember this time and for that I am grateful.

I am also grateful for the amazing friends that we have. When we were still in LA, Rae (one of our online buddies) went way out of her way to pick Mere up at the airport and bring her to the hospital. To top it off, she had a basket full of goodies and a gift card waiting for her. The most amazing thing? She collected money from our online friends to make it happen. These are the things that make you know there is a God and that people are good. What an amazing thing that you can have a connection with people that live miles away and that you have never met in person. Thank you doesn't seem like enough, but it is all I have. So, Thank You!!!!


aresgeetx said...

oh Jess! i'm so happy you are home. and i'm so sorry you are in so much pain still. fingers and toes and eyes crossed that this surgery will do the trick. we love you!

K J and the kids said...

SO SO sorry for the pain. I can imagine how scary it is. especially when you thought the last time was "it" and now this.
How do you dare say...ok, this is "it" again.
Have faith. Hold your family. You don't need to worry about anything but getting better. and soon, this will be a faded memory for you too.

Sonya said...

It is GREAT to see your update.

Let the drugs help with your physical pain as much as possible.

Let your Faith, Family & Friends give you strength to believe that tomorrow is going to be a better day and soon this will all be a distant memory for you as well.

This will be a chapter that has altered your life. But I know you'll run with it and the ending will be incredible.

Anonymous said...

jess...embrace the meds, you have been thru so much but you have to believe that this time it wll work . prayers and (gentle)hugs,annieatbet

Jen said...

Glad to see your post - sorry you're feeling so bad. I think about you guys all the time. I hope you're up and at 'em soon soon soon!

amy said...

glad your back home with your family. i'm sorry you're still in so much pain but hope that you feel better with every passing day. i am so baffled by how this all even happened to you to begin with. it's all just so scary!!