I have taken so many tests in my life and have studied for 99.9% of them. I have no idea how much of my life I have spent studying for tests, but I'm sure that if all added up, it would be a crazy, unbelievable number. In college, there were often week long study sessions and med school was 2 years of constant studying (the last 2 years was clinical rotations). I remember all of favorite spots. The smoking lounge in my freshman dorm or at my standard issue wooden desk overlooking the alley in the tiny apartment I shared with my sophomore roommate. The kitchen table in the 5 bedroom house I shared with LOTs of people my junior year. My favorite room at the U.AMS library, in the office of our first home before it was converted to a nursery, and then on a folding table in our bedroom. I have missed so many things to study that I couldn't even begin to measure it all. On more than one occasion, I felt like life was just passing me by while I sat glued to a chair and a book. But, somehow I always had one more hour in me. I was always able to rally and get through the next round of exams. I have even managed to make it through all of the really big tests...the MCA.T, the S.tep exams, and the In.ternal Medicine Boards. I always had a choice, I was studying because I wanted to a doctor, pass the boards, get to the next step. The goal was always clear and loud and worth it.
I took a test this weekend and I didn't pass it. I have been preparing for this test 24/7 for the last 7 weeks. Life has DEFINATELY been passing me while I have studied. I haven't cheated or looked for an easy way out...I have just done the deal. I got up (with doctor's permission) on Saturday...nothing major, just sat up and moved around the house. The headaches were at bay for about 3 hours but I didn't have to lay down until about 6 hrs into the day. Today we got up and I went to church with the family!!!! As we sat through the sermon, I knew they were back. The tugging at the back of my neck, the nausea, ears popping, and "drunk" feeling are all pretty familiar. But, still the headache was not overwhelming...just there. We ran by Krog.er (which is sensory overload when you have been cooped up so long) and came home. I still stayed up for another hour or so, helping make lunch and feeling like a normal part of the family for a few minutes. It was amazing to feel that way, to be up and out with the kids, to notice Syd's brow relax a little, and hold Layne's hand while we crossed the street. Finally, I gave in a went back to the sofa. The thing that really sucks is that now it REALLY hurts. This is not over, it is not fixed.
Obviously, there will be more tests this week. The kind you can't study for, the kind that involve needles, and machines, and dye in your spinal column. The kind you don't get sedated for and have yet to produce "good" news. I am tired of being a "good sport." I am tired of not knowing. I am tired of living on blind faith. I am just tired.
Yesterday, Syd was telling me about something that had happened and she said, "it was before you got sick." Layne wanted Mere to buy me a pillow at Target the other day. My girls are starting to see me as someone who is sick. Not the person who is going to take care of them but the person they are taking care of now.
I'm really tired and emotional and I want to suck right now. So I am wrapping up this pity party and going to bed.