Sunday, December 21, 2008

One LONG post

My wife has turned into a world class blogger. She is ALWAYS blogging. On the other hand, I have been so bad about it lately. I have little blogs in my head but never seem to have the time to sit down and put it together.

I am finishing up a VERY long weekend in Newport. The ER has been trying this weekend. 2 people dead on arrival, one young man in a car accident that will likely leave him paralyzed, and a child in respiratory distress (just to name a few). Everyone always talks about how hard they think Oncology would be, but the truth is people die in all fields of medicine. Man, I need a break. Thank God after tonight, I have 2 weeks of NO MOONLIGHTING!!! I am so excited. I'm also off the 23rd-28th....I mean, OFF, OFF....no fellowship, no ER, no hospitalist. Just me and the family. Oh...heaven.

This week was a tough one. Monday started with our appointment with the RE. We spent about a hour in his office. We had a plan, we were set. He went to talk to the legal department to get the forms we would need for Mere to donate her eggs to me. He comes back into the room and says, "our legal dept says we can't do it." What????? Long story short, the "legal" dept said not to get involved. Some bullshit about us being married in Vermont and that we could move to Vermont and there could be battles over embryo custody. What???? After arguing with our doctor for awhile I asked, "could my sister or a friend donate?" He said, "yes." Ok, so what is the difference here? He had that deer caught in the headlights look about him. He essentially had no idea what he was talking about and he knew it. He kept saying, "I don't care, I don't have any problem with it." Obviously, his "legal dept" does not actually have an attorney because the argument that he was making made no sense at all. He said we could do in vitro w/ Mere or she could donate to me and we could go out of state and they would do the monitoring here. The actual retrieval and transfer would have to be done at another facility. We were both so shocked we just didn't know what to say. He finally said, "I will talk to my partners and see what they say." I haven't heard from him since. And since he is the only partner in his group that will even see same sex couples, I am guessing that the answer will be no. I have called Memphis and Dallas fertility clinics and none will see same sex couples. I have cried, been depressed, and been mad. Mere has been SO supportive. She keeps saying, "we will do anything and everything if you want this." And I do. But, now is just not the time. It was going to be enough to do this locally. I was still nervous about the drugs, nervous about how depressed they make me, nervous about us both being pregnant. But now there is this HUGE roadblock and I'm thinking someone is trying to tell me something. Now is not the time for me. Maybe later, but not now. I am ok with this. Not perfect, not happy, no pretending that it is all peachy. Just ok. Our decision now is to do IVF w/ Mere and if there are extra embryos we will save them and maybe we can transfer to me later. Yes, there are a lot of ifs, I know. This is all that we can do RIGHT NOW. Who knows what the future holds?

One thing this has done....make me wonder what in the hell we are doing living in Arkansas!! We do love it here, this is where our life is, but can we do this forever? Live somewhere where it is ok for us to be discriminated against? I really don't know if I can do it forever. I don't know if I want my kids to do it.

On a happier note, Megan and the twins are here!!!! YEAH!!! I haven't seen them yet (because I at work) but I am so excited. When I talked to Mere earlier I could hear them all in the background and it made me smile. I love a house full of family and kids. I can't wait to get home to them all. Warm fires, cookies, and lots of people for me to cook for. Ahhh....it doesn't get any better.

What are your Christmas plans??

12 comments:

amy said...

so sorry to hear about your RE's plan change. what an a$$. interesting that they are concerned about potential fighting over the embryos, it seems a potential liability for any 2 humans, not just those legally married in a DIFFERENT state. if the plan is to transfer them immediately after retrieval, i'm not quite sure when he thinks you guys will have time to break up and then hire attorneys to fight over them. sounds like unchartered territory that he's just not comfortable with sadly. i'm guessing if there were other folks doing it he may feel differently since he's willing to see you guys to begin with.

good luck! happy holidays to you guys, enjoy your time off!!

Freshiegirl said...

my plans are.....well, i think you know my plans are to relax!!!!!!!!!

K J and the kids said...

Your job sounds exciting and hard.
I'm glad you are getting a break from it.
HI, I live in UTAH !!! We have those same road blocks. However I have a friend who was the first to donate to her partner. They were able to do it if she was willing to sign custody and all rights over to her partner. So even though it is biologically her child, she has no legal rights to her.
If you want more information or would like to talk to these guys email me and I will put you in touch. (she's a blogger too :)

I don't word ver on yours, but I want to with this one :)
Word ver. herigit
(redneck)
Herigit ma gun !

tallgirl said...

I am infuriated. I couldn't even respond when I read this post. I just can't beleive...

Big Hugs for you are Mere.

Jen said...

Oh, shit. That makes me so, so mad. What is wrong with these jerks? I am really sorry.

Mary said...

Oh Darlin' I'm sad, you are sad. But I do believe everything happens for a reason.

Oh how I wish I was there too with your house full of family...I'd give anything to escape!

Jess said...

KJ....
Mere was totally willing to sign over all rights to the eggs/embryos just like any other donor but this didn't seem to matter.

Sarai and Dani said...

YUCK! Reading your blog makes me feel so backwards. We did have to see a counselor and fill out some legal paperwork here before we did the same thing, but no biggie. Us being gay Christians in California I thought was hard, but my oh my! We face almost zero discrimination here in CA. I think you should relocate here (better said than done though right?)
I'm with you, a house full of people is the best thing in the world, along with good food and wine! Happy Holidays!!!
We're here if you have any questions, and as far as our holiday plans, flying with our triplets for the first time...dun dun dun...

Miriam said...

I never thought I'd say this, but I agree with the French. In France all marriages are first civil marriages. The couple then has the option of a religious ceremony or not. If we would change to this and truely follow the legal rights protected by the first and 14th ammendments and codified by Loving v Virginia we can make the whole thing moot. Then religious groups will have the option to sanction a union or not. Nobody objects when the RC church wont reconnize a divorce.

robyn.green said...

oh Jess! that sucks bigtime. here in Austin, they won't even do IUIs at the only RE practice in town. so, i completely feel your pain. it's got to be that much worse when you are a physician and you are being told this BS by a peer. i'm so sorry. and yes..i agree...as beautiful as LR is...relocation would take care of a lot of issues (including your mom!). love you and miss you!

robyn.green said...

by the way...i meant to say that they won't do IUIs using donor sperm (aka discrimination to lesbians) fresh or frozen...here in Austin at the RE office. we had to do all of ours at our friendly Gyn's office. even if we were being monitored by the RE. insane. 7 years later...nothing has changed here.

Meredith said...

Hi- I just stumbled on your blog via google.

I was wondering which Dallas clinic you checked with. My partner had been going to UT Southwestern for IUI's- but, given that we are on our 7th medicated try and my partner is over 40, we are now thinking about IVF with her carrying but my eggs. As of last Friday, we were referred to the Center for Assisted Reproduction (www.embryo.net) as they can handle all of the paperwork for me to donate to her. Did you have a different answer from them? (Sorry, feeling a little worried now as I have not yet called to schedule a fact finding appointment)