Plan Z

Mere asked me to post this because you know she "doesn't put that stuff" on her blog.    Where are we on the baby front?  Right now.....taking a break.  Our life has been consumed with getting pregnant and it sucks.  So, we are taking a new approach.

No IVF, no injectable drugs, no big money, high stress stakes.  We are going to use clomid and do home inseminations with Mere.  If she gets pregnant, great.  If it take a year, then it takes a year.  I am not going to go down the route of injections, hormone patches, etc right now.  Will I carry a baby someday?  Maybe.  Will it be now? No.  Does this make me sad? Yes, but it is not in the cards right now.

We took the last 2 months off and will start back up next month.  We are not going to let this consume our lives anymore!!!!!

25 things

Facebook mania has resulted in the 25 random facts about you craze.  I thought I would post my 25 random things about me on my blog.

1.  I love reality tv. The real housewives of New York and Orange County are my favorites

2.  I HATE clutter. No, I really hate it.  It makes me a little crazy, I have to tell myself that "it is ok, it is ok."

3.  I think my 6 year old may be smarter than me

4.  My 2 year old scares me. I know that there will be many sleepless nights. I hope she doesn't do the things I did in college but I know she will!

5.  I could live on pretzels and be perfectly happy

6. My favorite fantasy involves running off to some foreign country and doing something totally different with my life

7.  I can't believe I'm  a doctor

8. Sometimes I wonder if being a doctor was the right choice.  Maybe I should have been a realtor

9. I can't get pregnant. This really upsets me and I have not worked through it yet.

10. I thought I would always be single so it still shocks me that I have been with Mere for almost 10 years

11. I love Layne's curls and the curves on Syd's arms.  I can trace both with my fingers for hours.

12.  I LOVE to cuddle. My wife is on the fence.

14. I love to be rubbed. My arms, back, legs, head, anything!

15. I think I was adopted. OK, I know I was not but it would explain a lot about me.

16. I want a chihuahua almost as much as another kid but my wife won't let me get one. Poor me!

17. I don't usually practice what I preach

18. I am addicted to my iphone and my mac. I like to think that material possessions don't matter to me but these do.

19. I have an old soul. I have never felt my age and always connected with people older than me. I am used to being the youngest adult in the room, it has always been that way.

20. I hate my double chin.  No matter how much weight I lose it won't go away! I think I will have plastic surgery on it some day. I also hate the wiggly part under my arms

21. I have 2 tattoos and I regret one of them

22.  I had my tongue pierced in college. I loved it even though it grosses me out when I see others with one

23. I hate uncertainty but my life is filled with it

24. I am the only member of my family (on my mom's side) who talks to everyone. I hate it

25. I picked up our best friends at an Indigo Girl's concert!!!!

OH SHIT!

Yesterday was a pretty average day working in the ER. It was pretty busy but we were staying ahead of it and it wasn't bad. Until the call came over the radio. It was 5pm....3 men down, on a part of the highway that is closed and not meant for driving. 5 minutes later they came over the radio again, 3 criticals, all coding, all very sick. Other things were said like, "half of his skull is gone," "thrown 100 ft," "unconscious," "unresponsive," "young."

The charge nurse and I started to put together teams, pulling nurses from other parts of the hospital. We had 3 rooms ready, 3 teams ready, waiting. That's when I realized something....OH SHIT....I'm the only doctor. How can I possibly run 3 codes and take care of 3 critical patients in 3 different rooms at the same time? Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. To say I was scared is an understatement. Everyone is looking at me like I'm the one with all the answers. Oh shit.

In rolls the 1st ambulance with a young person (19 or so), blood everywhere, unconscious, cold, no pulse. So we start the code and get ready to intubate when in rolls the second ambulance with another young person (25) missing a large part of his skull, not breathing, no heartbeat, not responsive. I run to him and realize that there is not anything that can be done.....I call it and back to the other patient. Attempt to intubate with blood and puke and stuff EVERYWHERE. I look down and see blood and spinal fluid running out of his ear....oh SHIT. All the while we are doing CPR and giving drugs, trying to get a heartbeat, trying to get anything.

In rolls the last ambulance. This patient is alive, barely, but alive. I look up and see one of the local doctors who came in to help....thank God! Rush back to patient #2. There is no hope for him. Pronounce patient #2. Back to the one guy who might make it. Intubate, CPR, drugs...we have a pulse. He eventually made it to a trauma center via helicopter and is still in critical condition. I don't hold out a lot of hope that he will make it. It was awful. Not a good night, not for anyone.

Enough

I am lying in bed with her soft, little arms wrapped around my neck and her body snuggled up next to me. I can smell her breath and feel her heart beat, it is amazing. There are people who never know this kind of love. They don't know what it is like to bury their face in a head full of angel curls. This is life, this is it, this is love.

For a minute, it doesn't matter if we have more. We have so much already. I am truly at peace with this. We will keep trying, we might get blessed, we might have more. But, if we don't....that is ok. These babies fill me up and watching them grow into such incredible people brings joy beyond belief. I love my girlies!!!

I was wrong!

So I have known for 6 years.  Yes, since the day of my oldest daughter's birth I have known that she would be going to Disney with her grandparents at the ripe old age of 6.  I have dreaded this week away from my baby.  I have hated it over and over again.  I was so worried that she would be upset, miss us, etc, etc, etc.  Of course, everyone told me how good it would and how much fun she would have.  Don't worry, don't worry, don't worry.  But, I didn't really believe ANY of them. Well, obviously, I was WRONG.  Today is day 5 of her trip and the little girl is having the time of her life.  She has probably spoken to us for a total of 10 minutes (if even) since being gone and I'm pretty sure it is only because Grandma and Pepre make her.  "I'm having a good time, mom!"  "Do you miss me?"  This the sum of our conversations.  

I guess this is all part of the new growth thing.  My baby is growing up and I have to just get over it.  I'm so glad she is having this awesome experience with her grandparents.  To Bob and Susan, thanks!  (Despite all my complaining and bitching I'm so glad she is sharing this with you both).

Now, maybe when she comes home our "big" girl can sleep in her own bed.....hmmm.......

Growth

Do we ever stop growing? You think you have kids, your married, your in your career....everything just kind of goes on auto pilot. But we can't live in auto pilot mode. Most of us need more. Self discovery at 30 years old. Waking up, working through the things you try to put away and ignore. It feels good and bad all at the same time. Thank God for my soulmate and beautiful children. Thank God that Mere wants to take this journey with me. Thank God for time and space and quite and unconditional love. Guess what? I don't have to be perfect or please everyone all the time. It is a lot easier said than done!