The Longest Walk

The hall is not THAT long, but I really feels like it.  I have led the procession of family to that room so many times and it never gets easy.  What are they thinking?  What kind of terrible things are running through their minds? Or do they just have a sinking feeling? Are they in shock? Numb? No doctor ever ask to speak to a family in "the room" to tell them good news.  Down the hall and around the corner to the "family room."  It sits right next to the social workers' office.  4 small walls that have seen so much anguish, a little piece of hell on earth.  I HATE taking families to this room but this week it was even harder than usual.

I've been taking care of him off and on for 2 years.  21 years old, way to young for this.  2 years of intensive chemotherapy for what was supposed to be a "curable" leukemia.  He did go into remission but there was no bone marrow donor.  Now there is a donor but the leukemia came back so we gave him more chemo and put him back into remission.  He was supposed to go to MD Anderson on Wed for his transplant but he got to sick for transplant.  No problem, get him over the illness and then transplant him.  I was the lucky person who realized it was back again. Sitting with the pathologist, reviewing the slides, questioning "are you sure?"  Yes, it is back for the 3rd time.  This is it.  Nothing left for him.

He is awake and wants to fight.  Wants more chemo, more options, but there are not any.  He elects for intubation and doing "everything possible," even though we know there is nothing except a miracle.  His parents at his bedside and trying to be strong, strong for him, and strong for his brother.   They know it is over but they have to respect his wishes.

Now he is intubated, sleeping, dying.  They keep a 24 hr bedside vigil just waiting for him to die.  They know it is coming, we all do, but when?  He has touched us all in so many ways.  We are all preoccupied with him, we are all sad, we are all praying.  He starts his last ditch line of chemotherapy tonight.  It won't work, we know it, but he begged for it.  These are his wishes.  I hope he stays asleep.  He doesn't need to suffer anymore.  21 years old, I don't understand.  

*****UPDATE******

He is still here but things are not looking much better.

YEAH!!!!!!!!

I DID IT!!!! I passed the boards. I am BOARD CERTIFIED in Internal Medicine. WHEW!

My Kid is Smarter Than Me!

Chicago is great.  I LOVE big cities, love them, love them, love them.  Chicago is one city I haven't been to before now and it is pretty cool.  But, I like New York better.  I guess nothing can compare to it in my mind.

One thing is for sure, this is the place for kids.  There is so much to do with little ones.  The Field Museum, the Aquarium, The Children's Museum, the Planetarium, and the Science Museum.  In fact, the reason I picked a conference in Chicago is so that Syd could see "Sue," the largest reconstructed T Rex in the world.  Yes, Syd has wanted to meet Sue for a LONG time.  Well, today was the day.  I must admit the Field Museum is pretty amazing, but after about 4 hours...I was done.  Not Syd, nope, she was LOVING IT!!!!  Reading and watching about evolution, animal habitats, and dinosaurs...she was in heaven.  I wanted to go shopping. 

The shopping that Syd wanted to do?  The Sue store....yep, a whole store dedicated to dinos, my little girl was in heaven.  We did manage to pick up some pretty cool Christmas gifts and Syd was to enraptured to notice.  Afterwards, we went to the Shed Aquarium where Syd seemed to know everything about the fish and other animals.  There was a presentation on an owl....Syd knew all the answers and asked some great questions.  By the end of the Q&A the presenter was calling Syd her little expert.   Again....my kid is smarter than me and dare I say, a little bit of a nerd.  It is all good though because she is the most beautiful nerd I've ever seen.

We did get to the American Girl store.  Syd was not impressed....7 stories of dolls?  So?  But, when we walked in Layne said, "my babydoll!!!"  She could not pick out a doll because she wanted all of them.  I'm hoping someday we can go and she will bring her "favorite" AG doll, she can get her hair done w/ her, and they can get a matching outfit.  Oh yeah, but I like talking about dinos too...no, I REALLY do....I promise!

Mere even had a little shopping spree today.  For those of you who don't know, "Mere" and "shopping spree" don't usually go together unless "electronics" are also in the sentence.  Not today....she has some super cute new clothes after an afternoon at a local boutique.  She looks super sexy!!!  Keep your hands off, she is mine!

Give Me My Ovaries Back!!!!

After our 1st appointment with the RE....I feel much better!!!!  Apparently, Mere is "fertile myrtle" as the RE nurse put it.  Dr. Miller was not sure why she is not pregnant....at first he said it was her age.  Then they did the antral follicle ultrasound.....24!  He said, "you guys must have switched ovaries."  He then told Mere, "it doesn't matter if you are 12 or 40, your ovaries are great!"

So this month is repeat HSG since her last one was before Syd.  Next month, clomid, injectables, follicular monitoring, and IUI (at the RE office).  2 months of that and then IVF.  Yes, keep praying for NO IVF.

Either way, it really made me feel better.  Maybe our time is not running out after all.

One thing is for sure, God must have wanted me to be a lesbian because I KNOW I was meant to be a mom and Dr. Miller confirmed the fact that there won't be any babies for me w/ my eggs.

Keep your fingers crossed!

Our first appointment

Today is the day! At 1pm we have an appointment with our new RE. I'm excited, nervous, and scared all at the same time. What if he says.....nope, can't do it? Your almost 40 [looking at Mere] and your eggs suck [looking at me]. You would think with double the girlie parts we would be swimming in kids. Deep breath.....now I just have to make it through morning clinic so I can be done in time for our appt.

In other news.....Layne just had her [almost] 2 year old appointment. She is almost 22 lbs....big kid, huh? Still in the 3-5% for weight and head circumference. But when it comes to height....25%!!!! Such a little peanut.

We leave for a week long trip to Chicago on Monday and I am SO excited.....more on that later.

Mixed Emotions

Ok...well, Mere is probably going to kill me for blogging about this...but, I want to. It won't be the first (or last) time this blog has gotten me in trouble.

We are STILL NOT PREGNANT. This has been almost 1 1/2 years if you combine the time we have both been trying. I know I was a dud but I really thought Mere would pop another one out w/o much trouble. I thought this was the month....clomid, no nursing, good timing...what happened?

EVERYONE around us is getting pregnant and it is frustrating. Yes, I am happy for them all and a few of them have had fertility issues to BUT I WANT A BABY. I don't care how we get it, who carries it, etc....I just want it. We found out about our friend's pregnancy on the same day that my OB thought I was pregnant (because my progesterone was so high). I had one day of thinking I had done it. Now I look at her baby (peanut's parents) and think....ohhhh we would had that baby by now if I had been pregnant.

I do realize that we started having babies WAY before most of our friends so even though they are all having babies, they are mostly on their 1st and 2nd kids. Is it selfish to be so upset about wanting a 3rd? Even if we were done now we would have everything to be grateful for and nothing to be upset about. But, I would be. I feel like we aren't complete yet.....we are meant to have more.

What next? We have an appt w/ the RE on Oct 17th and there are a world of possibilities out there. Mere's eggs....my uterus, Mere's eggs....her uterus, Mere's eggs....both of our uteri (is that a word?). I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I DO KNOW I am not looking foward to bringing those evil drugs back into our house. I am not looking foward to regular transvaginal ultrasounds. I am not looking foward to these hard decisions. I DO NOT WANT multiples and I'm not mentally prepared to get pregnant right now. I thought I was off the hook for awhile. BUT, if you have fresh, good embryos hanging around....what do you do?

I'm not going to make this a TTC blog but I will keep everyone posted.

In other news, everyone is doing great in our house. Layne is turning into such a little kid. She is not our baby anymore (she will always be our baby). She is talking up a storm and just such a joy....ALWAYS keeping us entertained. Syd is also doing great. She is learning to read like a champ and starting to think so grown up. When did this happen?

Mere is also doing great. She is swimming (at 5am) on M/W/F w/ a local swim team and she is working w/ our trainer. Damn Gina! She is going to get buff and I'm going to stay flabby.

We went and looked at a mother's day out program this week. Layne starts Tuesday from 9am-2pm. We are both a little nervous but I think Layne will be very happy there. I know she needs to spend more time around other kids and get used to not being with one of us all the time.

Finally, this weekend is packed!!!! I am not working.....YEAH!!!!!! But here is our schedule:
Tonight: Party at a friend's house....probably not going to make it
Tommorrow: Race for the Cure, lunch w/ my peeps, Syd b-day party, a baby shower, and then we are hosting the 3rd annual pumpkin carving contest at our house...think we will be tired?
Sunday: I think we are supposed to paint Syd's room.....BUT, maybe we could go to the fair instead???

Hope everyone has a great weekend.