The Journey

Completely, 100% RANDOM post

2011-03-09T19:54:00.000-08:00

Ok. I've been wanting to blog for awhile. So many times I have thought about blogging but I always seem to get sidetracked. But I do love it and I think it's going to help me remember stuff when I'm old AND I've been reading some of my favorite blogs today (while waiting at the doc's office), which always makes me want to blog. I just downloaded the new A.dele cd, everyone is in bed, and I don't have to work tomorrow. Ahhhh, life is good. So I would like to compose some deep, insightful post but instead I'm going to talk about M.elissa E.theridge.

I used to LOVE her. I was in my early teens struggling with the knowledge that girls did something for me when I first heard "C.ome to My Window." There was something about the longing in her voice that I connected with (it was probably the hormones). I'm not sure when I found out she was a l.esbian but I'm sure it sealed the deal. It wasn't long before I had all of her albums, which I listened to OVER and OVER and OVER again. I still LOVE her early music, it still stirs something inside me, and I still identify with it. But back then, I couldn't get enough M.elissa. If I saw her in a magazine or on TV, I was transfixed. She looked like a normal, happy person and everyone KNEW about her and it was all good. Then she got married and had kids....OMG you mean l.esbians can do THAT!!!!?? The only l.esbians I knew of were older, childless, one million percent in the closet, and living with "roommates." In my little world l.esbians were only of the super b.utch variety so I didn't know there was any other kind. And there she was with long hair, a wife (gasp!), kids, and she looked HAPPY.

I remember the first time I saw her in concert, I was fourteen. I was terrified that my dad would find out she was a l.esbian and forbid me from going. But he never did and we went and it was magical. I'm sure the concert was great but I don't remember it, all I remember is the audience. My world opened up that night, there were l.esbians EVERYWHERE, holding hands, kissing, and acting just like "normal" couples. It rocked my world and cemented my love for M.elissa.

I have to admit I haven't loved her last few albums and over the years I have been less and less impressed with her. Meredith was totally disgusted with her when she cheated on T.ammie, no longer a fan. No thank you. I said, "Well, she's a rock star, what do you expect? All you have to do is listen to her albums and it's obvious she is not good at relationships, T.ammie should have known that!" Of course, Mere just looked at me like I had at least 100 heads. But, I have still loved M.elissa a little anyway. Until tonight.

I was playing on my computer and came across an article about the importance of equal marriage rights for EVERYONE. The article went on to discuss the court battle that is ensuing between M.elissa and T.ammie regarding alimony, child support, etc. They weren't legally married so T.ammie is not entitled to alimony, etc. T.ammie had a career that she put on hold to be a full time stay at home mom and wife and now she is left with nothing. It blows my mind. It's cruel. It's wrong. And, ultimately, their kids will suffer for it. It smells an awful lot like the horror stories we all hear about where a bio mom takes away the kids after a split. She is just capitalizing on the fact that the laws aren't there yet, getting the best of both worlds.

I have been the breadwinner of our house for awhile now. I have been free to nourish my career and be the kind of parent I dreamed of being (but never thought possible with a demanding career). I have been able to "have it all," BECAUSE I have a wife who has made her job our kids. I could spend hours writing about the "value" of having a wife who stays at home. It has made things possible for me that I could have never DREAMED of and that will ALWAYS be true (even if Mere runs off with some hot, young thing)!

Sexy is so much more than how you hold a guitar. It taking care of your family and putting your kids first, no matter what the cost. I'm sure M.elissa will be devastated when she hears we are over!

Super Happy Black Friday

2010-11-26T06:04:00.000-08:00

Thankful is DEFINITELY the way I would describe the way I feel today. There are a million wonderful things swirling around in my little brain and full heart today. Yesterday was PERFECT. Spent with family and friends. Spent upright. My pager went off right as we sat down to eat and I was ALMOST irritated. Because I'm a big important doctor and how DARE you bother me just as I'm about to eat this delicious plate of hot food that might be cold when I get done taking care of the problem that you are paging me for. Damn! How quickly I forget. Nope. I am DAMN lucky to be sitting here, eating, and ABLE to answer a page. So, get up and happily answer it and that is why we have microwaves! Life is perfect and I am LUCKY. If I ever need proof, I'll just refer to my blog. This is what I wrote on this very day last year (and let me tell you, I did not feel lucky or grateful or happy or anything but scared, sad, and dumbfounded). I still can't even read through this entire post but I know what it says,

"Today was our first day on the road. We were up early (Mere earlier than me), showered, car loaded, and ready to go. The only thing left was to say goodbye to the girlies. Mere woke Layne up and I went into the bedroom and cuddled up next to Syd. I woke her up and said, "It is time for mommy and mama to leave." She groaned and buried her head in the pillow. I thought she was still waking up until Mere mouthed to me, "she is crying." Oh.....our poor little girl. All this time she has acted like us leaving is no big deal. Here we were worried about Layne and it was Syd that was crying. She was hanging on us and said, "I don't want you to go." She has never cried out of sadness....today was the first time. Before today she reserved her tears for pain or trying to get out of trouble. It was truly heartbreaking. It took every little part of me to leave her. I just wanted to call the whole thing off and stay in bed cuddled up next to my girlies. Layne was fine. As we pulled off, she was waving and smiling, perfectly happy in "nanny's" arms. Syd didn't come to the door. We just talked to her a little while ago and both girls ended up at a friend's house playing, eating ice cream, and having fun. My mom said she overheard Syd telling Layne not to put something in her mouth because she would "have to have surgery." Apparently, Layne said, "what is surgery?" Syd said, "An operation. Like what mommy is having. But don't worry because she won't be sick anymore when she gets home."

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!!!

Question

2010-10-29T08:11:00.000-07:00

So, Mere and I were talking about this last night and she said, "put it on your blog and get some opinions." Sounds like a GREAT idea.

When I was sick we were constantly (and still are) amazed at the kindness and generosity of the people in our life. But one particular incident was really mind blowing. About 1/2 way through my illness, when things were really getting tough and money was non-existent we got a card in the mail with a check for $500 and a REALLY nice message. You could really feel the love and genuine concern in what was written in the card, it was AMAZING and the money was life saving. The gift came from a couple that I went through med school and residency with. It was such a kind and generous gesture that I still get goosebumps when I think about it. They are in fellowship (read = not making a lot of money) and have 2 young children and $500 is a BIG deal to them (and me). Not to mention, I know that they are very money conscious...they are savers, not spenders.

When we were residents B (the wife) and I spent a lot of time together and that is really when our friendship started. But, we are in different fellowships and we all have young kids and busy lives so over the last few years I haven't seen a lot of B or her husband (mostly at Bday parties, etc). She had heard through the grapevine about me being sick. I will never forget opening that card, it brings me to tears as I write this. It was one of those "random" acts of kindness that makes you want to be a better person. Mere made them some of her super cool lunch bags, I wrote a thank you note, and she delivered them to their house. It was all we could do at the time.

Which brings me to my question. Now I'm better and we could send them a check for $500, but should we? It was a gift and I do not want to offend them. Our philosophy through all of this is to pay it forward (and we have been doing that) but for some reason this question keeps coming back to me. I was thinking of maybe sending them a nice gift card when they graduate from fellowship or something like that.

The reason this is coming up now is that I got a really nice text from B yesterday. She had heard about me leaving fellowship and had some super nice and supportive things to say. She also mentioned the lunch sacks and how much she loves them. I feel like we will be life long friends. The kind that might not talk or see each other a lot but are always there. I am so grateful for B and so lucky to have her in my life.

What do you think?

Crazy and Happy

2010-10-15T08:15:00.000-07:00

Heme/Onc (blood and cancer) fellowships are competitive. As far as medicine subspecialities go, they are one of the harder programs to get into. I still remember how relieved I was the day I "matched" into Heme/Onc in Little Rock. I thought it was exactly what I wanted. And, that was the last time I can remember being excited about my career choice. I've never loved this fellowship. But, medical training is not meant to be fun so I have just trudged along feeling like it's probably the training and not the content that I don't like. From the start, I have talked about leaving but I was scared to walk away from such valuable training. Before I got sick I was just starting to get into a little groove and feeling like maybe it wasn't so bad...this Heme/Onc thing...I could do it and it would be fine.

But, then I got sick. I'm learning that such a life changing experience is, well, life changing. Fine is not how I want to describe my work life. I'm not the same person and I'm definately not the same doctor. I thought that after the fear of thinking I might not ever get the priviledge of being a doctor, I would relish coming back to fellowship. I mean, this time last year I was PRAYING to be able to complete my training. At one point while I was out there was a question that I might have to completely redo my fellowship because I had missed so many months in a row. I had decided that I would quit if that was the case. When my program director called to tell me that I wouldn't have to start over and could pick up where I left off....my gut reaction was disappointment. I guess that should have been enough, but I just kept thinking I would start to like it more.

Since coming back to work...I have been miserable. At first I was just so exhausted that getting through the day was my only focus. But even as I get better and stronger, I'm still not enjoying my work. I have been unsure of my career choice from the start and the deeper I go, the more unsure I get. But, I kept on....I mean, people don't walk away from Heme/Onc fellowships..you would have to be crazy. I even started looking for jobs and I found that a career in Heme/Onc is pretty tough. You either hang out at the V.A and have a great quality of life but make not a lot of money (I could make more as a primary care doc) or you go into private practice, work like a dog, and make lots of money. The more I researched and interviewed and talked to practicing docs...the more I realized the reality of my options. I was nearing the end of the tunnel and I couldn't see a light. And, I was not loving my job (not really even liking it). So, what to do?

Then, my program director called me into his office. He said lots of things...some true, some not. Bottom line...he wanted to know if I was committed to this program. He said things like, "when your on, your on but you aren't on as much anymore." The conversation was long and when I walked out of his office I really started to consider my choices. It is one thing to have an internal struggle but obviously my struggle was not so internal anymore. For the 1st time I REALLY thought about leaving. And so the inner turmoil began. Of course, we were already scheduled to leave for Boston for my board review course (in Heme/Onc) so we went. I tried to forget about everything and just focus on the course. I did talk to a few people about hospitalist and primary care options, as well as, private Heme/Onc options. But, mostly I focused on having fun, learning, and trying to relax. I prayed about it and really tried to let it go..which I was only moderately successful at.

I could finish out the remaining 12-15 months of my fellowship or jump ship. My logic in staying was that I only have a little over a year left and I didn't have to practice Heme/Onc when I was done but I would have to option if I wanted it. But, it is not an easy year. I missed a LOT last year so this would be a year of back to back service (read = hard) months with plenty of call. Basically, it would be the hardest year of my fellowship yet. Not to mention the reading and studying I would need to do to get caught up and ready for full fledged practice. A challenge I could 100% take on....but did I want to? For what? I job I don't really like that much? More money?

At some point in time I just became really obvious that I need to leave. I may regret it later but I can't live my life worrying about regret. I have to do what makes me happy today (and in the near future). I was talking to a friend about it and she said, "what do you really want to do?" and I said (without any thought at all and almost instantly), "I want to take care of dying people." That also got me thinking about palliative care (end of life care/hospice) and why I ever chose Heme/Onc in the first place. Really, end of life care is why I gravitated towards Heme/Onc and it has always been where I excel. There is something so satisfying about helping a patient and their family at the end of life. I know it sounds grim, but it really is so amazing to be a part of the dying process and help make it a peaceful experience.

So...I resigned this week. I took a job working as a Hospitalist (taking care of pts in the hospital) and as a palliative care physician at a local hospital. The work is satisfying (I hope), the hours are good, and the pay is nice. What more could I ask for? Now I just have to make it out of here.......

When I resigned my program director cried. He tried really hard to talk me out of it and in the end made me an offer I couldn't refuse. He offered to relieve me of Heme/Onc duties and let me go do 2 months of palliative care with our palliative care attendings/team. The job I was offered was more than happy to let me wait until Jan before starting, so I accepted the offer to stay for 2 more months. I felt like it was really generous of him to make me such a deal. Of course, today I found out why he made me the offer. He is hoping I will change my mind and stay. He is hoping that in the next 2 months he (or someone else)can convince me to stay. I also found out that he approached a few people and specifically asked them to talk me out of leaving. Which explains the constant onslaught of questions, being told I'm crazy, and me repeating myself over and over and over.....

We will see what the next 2 months holds. I'm done worrying about it. I'm just going to do what fits for me, whatever that might be....call me crazy (and happy).

Taste of T Street

2010-10-10T16:01:00.000-07:00

I complained and bitched and bitched and complained. It took A LOT of her time. I mean, A LOT! There were meetings, more meetings, and more meetings. Let's not forget the last week of her being gone and busy when she was home. I'm not built to do it all. I think I would be a pretty good stay at home mom and I know I'm good at being the working parent (which is what I prefer) but for those of you mothers who do it all....my hat is off to you. Working full time and being a the main parent is not something I enjoy. Not even for a few days. It makes me cranky. But, I digress....

When Mere told me she was going to take on the co chair position for a huge fundraiser for our daughters' school, I was less than thrilled. She was already working full time, which has been a HUGE adjustment, and now she was going to do this to? It all started when the principal of our school called Mere this summer and asked her to come to the school for a meeting. Apparently, she had been at a big fundraising event for another private school and decided we should do the same. No cookie sales, wrapping paper, or chocolates this year. Nope, just one big bang of a fundraiser and that would be it. She also hoped to create a foundation so that our school would be able to give out scholarships, etc. It was VERY ambitious. They only had 5 months to plan it. I'm not going to lie, when she first told me about what they were planning, I was skeptical. BIG plans, 5 months, and a bunch of newbies (except for the event planner that they hired). The plans? Booths run by parents (volunteers only) for food, a HUGE children's area (games, petting zoo, etc), a stage with live entertainment, a killer silent auction, a live art auction (art work done by the kids and framed), and much more.

Well, it was INCREDIBLE! I should have known that the parents and teachers would come together to make it an amazing event. Our girls go to the coolest school ever....there is always so much love and parental involvement. Seeing it all come together was such a wonderful moment. I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it. It was such an overwhelming success (and I don't even know how much money we raised yet). It is such a honor to be part of the community at our school, we are so blessed.

Most of all, I am proud of my wife. She endured a lot and worked her butt off and it payed off BIG time. Everyone kept coming up to me and telling me how much they love Mere and what a great job she had done. There were a lot of parents that I didn't know who were really involved....I kept introducing myself as Mere's wife and they would be like...."oh yeah! HI! It's so great to meet you Jess, etc, etc." They all just love her. But, what's not to love?

I am glad it is over and happy to have my wife back. I'm sure she will be putting up pics on her site, once she tracks some down (she was WAY to busy to take pics). Oh yeah, you might have to remind of this post next year when she is the CHAIR of the event!

It's About Time

2010-09-12T08:03:00.000-07:00

This has been such a wonderful week. I have relished EVERY minute of it. From late nights with a coughing, crying baby to being thrown up on, to a night in a very NOT private room at the Children's Hospital curled up with a restless 3 year old. I'm serious, it has been totally wonderful. So, before you guys come running over here to make sure I haven't totally lost it, let me explain.

From the start Mere was the apple of Layne's eye. Mere stayed home with her and breast fed exclusively, while I worked 100+ hrs/wk. Not to mention the fact that I became VERY self absorbed....getting caught up in depression, infertility woes, and other stuff that just made me unavailable even when I was home. All of this together meant that Layne has grown up with Mere as her primary care giver. Don't get me wrong, she is very much my child and I LOVE her with everything I have and she loves me. But, we have just never had the same time together that I had with Syd when she was a baby/toddler/preschooler. All of that started to change when I got sick. Layne and I spent hours together reading books, coloring, and hanging out while I kept my post on the couch. I realized during that time how much Layne craved my attention and needed time with me and vice versa. Those long days on the couch really led to some wonderful bonding time and all of a sudden Mere was not the one that Layne ran to when she needed comforting. I LOVE the way our relationship has grown over the last year....it is truly one of the blessings that came out of being sick.

Flash forward to this week. Layne had to have her tonsils/adenoids taken out and tubes in her ears. The ENT doc told us to expect a 2 wk recovery which means no school for Layne. Last year I would have taken off a day from work for the surgery and gone straight to work from the hospital the next morning (if all was ok). Mere wasn't working so she would have been the one at home nursing our little patient back to health. But, it is not last year. THIS year Mere is working and I am on a research month (read...easy month) so I only had to do a little tweaking to arrange a week off from work. So, I was the one who stayed home and took care of Layne, I was the one who slept with her, and I was the one she cuddled up to when she wasn't feeling good. And, I LOVED every minute of it. I really, really did. What a wonderful experience (for me, probably not so much her).

Tomorrow I head back to work and she is going to spend the day with a friend (who will treat her like her own) getting spoiled and loved. I'm bummed because I wish I could take another week off to spend with her. It may seem silly, but I will always remember our time together over the last few days when she really needed her mommy. Of course, the truth is....I need her!

A Long Time

2010-07-25T13:36:00.001-07:00

Ok. So I know it has been a LONG time since my last post. Thankfully, life got in the way of me posting. YEAH! That means I actually have a life again. Pretty much everyone in my life knows that all is good, but, I want this all documented...even the end (I hope!) so I don't ever forget.

The last trip to LA was actually, GASP, fun! See Mere's blog for all the details. We drove with the girls, did Disneyland, and even the Grand Canyon! The best part of the entire trip....a NORMAL myelogram. The doctor told me to go home, wean off all of my meds, and work on getting back to life. That is exactly what I have done and it has been great. We have had a fun and busy summer. Am I fixed forever? Who knows! But, it doesn't matter. Today I am happy, healthy, and whole which is all that matters.

Oh yeah, and thank GOD for all of our amazing friends and family. We are so blessed. I think I am the luckiest person I know!!!

Gratitude Post

2010-04-21T07:29:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was great. It was really a special birthday. I'm not sure why, but I was just so filled with gratitude and happiness. I know I have another procedure around the corner, but that didn't stop me from being happy. How awesome is that?

After waking up to a special coffee and the coolest gift ever (read below), I got to go spend time with some friends. We went to a yummy lunch and had a lot of fun. Then I came home to rest for awhile because I had been up for several hours. When the family got home we all went to dinner with my mom, sister, BIL, and close family friends. We finished the night up with cake at our house. I got some really nice gifts (including a book about poodles that I am so excited to read!) and had a lot of fun.

While everyone was sleeping last night, I broke out the book of my first year of blogging. It kind of makes me sad. In 2008 I worked like a maniac. I NEVER saw my family, except for vacations. Almost every blog I wrote, I wrote while I was at work in the ER. It was a time when I worked all day, came home for 20 minutes, changed clothes, drove to small town AR (2 hrs away), worked a 12 hr shift, drove home and went to work all day. I would be home a few nights a week but I would be EXHAUSTED. Most weekends found me back in small town ER working. I always found a way to justify it. I had a horrible time saying no. Every time they called me and threw more money my way I was in my car, ready to work. We made a lot of money that year. I missed a year with my family. The money wasn't worth it. How much is a year away from your family worth? It is not something you can put a price tag on, but I did. Now I spend all my time with my family. In fact, we are only apart when they are busy at school and work. Or when Mere and I are traveling to LA for treatment. I have a feeling that is why I felt so happy and blessed yesterday. I had 2008 looming in my mind. A year wasted.

I had already slowed down a lot before I got sick. I had quit small town ER and started a local moonlighting gig that NEVER required a night away from the family. I was restructuring and already getting a lot more time with my girls. However, I was no where near the grinding halt that I have been at for the last 6 months. This year I have spent countless hours reading to Layne and Syd, listening to their days, watching them play outside, and just being together. A far cry from 2008. We don't have any money, but we are together and making it work. I didn't want this path for myself or my family, but I am so grateful that we are all here together. I think I should quit now before this starts sounding like a country song.

Happy Birthday To Me

2010-04-20T07:09:00.000-07:00

What does everyone want for their b-day? Diamonds? Money? Clothes? No, what everyone wants is a blood patch! Well, try to not be to jealous because that is what I am getting. Eat your hearts out peeps. Ok. Seriously, yes I am still leaking. I have been bad about updates because I wanted a plan before I got on the blog. Well, now I have one. Mere and I leave Monday for sunny LA. Tuesday is MRI and appointment with Dr.S, and Wed is blood patch. Thursday we fly home. Is this it? I have NO IDEA. What I do know....no surgery for me for at least another month. I am willing to try his super special large volume blood patch and PRAY beyond PRAYING that is works. But, if it doesn't, I'm holding on surgery until June. That little voice in my head is just telling me that surgery is not a great idea right now.

April has been good. I am managing pain with the help of an awesome palliative care doctor and can be up for considerable periods of time with bearable pain. I haven't gone back to work yet but I'm going to try in May. We will see. I am not overly hopeful that I will make it an entire day, but there is only one way to find out! I am off of the cane and the walker and discharged from physical therapy. My right leg is still pretty weak but I'm the only one who can tell. We have actually been able to do things as a family this month....picnics, bday parties, gathering at friends' houses...it has been great. Even though I'm still not better, I am feeling more normal than I have in 6 months. I'm not ready to trade that for the excruciating pain of surgery and recovery. I just can't do it right now. Oh yeah, and I'm driving again!!!!!

So, onward and upward. I pray that 32 is better than 31. I don't need perfection, I just want to be restored to health again. Keep praying for us because we still need it!

Oh yeah, and guess what my awesome wife got me for my bday? The first year of my blog made into a book and a S.tarbucks coffee waiting for me when I woke up (a luxury that we can no longer afford). The book IS AWESOME and AMAZING and WONDERFUL. It just proves that the best gifts aren't the expensive ones. I love you Mere.

Below is a picture of the book. Pretty cool, huh?

LA Times

2010-03-13T14:26:00.000-08:00

Each time I wake up from surgery, it hurts. There is always pain. This time it was different. Pain is an understatement. It felt like a board had been wedged into my upper back and ANY movement made the pain a million times worse. I don't really know how to describe it besides overwhelming. I just kept pressing the little green button that pumped morphine into my veins and took as many pills as I was allowed. I spent a lot of time crying like a baby.....mostly because of pain but also because of frustration. When you can't do ANYTHING by yourself and doing ANYTHING hurts it just sucks.

The week had begun with the scheduled myelogram. By the time I had the myelogram I had convinced myself that it was all in my head. My leaking was over and I was just crazy. I was expecting the myelogram to be normal, I really, really was. There was a lot of confusion on the morning of the myelogram that resulted in Tommie chasing me all over the hospital while lugging 2 suitcases and my purse. By the time the myelogram was over, we were both exhausted. Luckily, this myelogram was WAY better than the others. They did not sedate me to prevent seizures so the initial sticks hurt (as usual) but nothing to crazy. They used a lighter dye so when they injected it, the pain was minimal (it is usually the worst part). I sat up afterwards so that the dye would drain away from my brain and I was SUPER hydrated. Not long after the procedure, they had us in a room. We settled in and watched A.merican Idol. I felt good. Normally myelograms wipe me out, but not this time. It was about 9pm that the neurosurgery resident (Tommie named him cutie) came in to let me know that they did find another leak and that I would be having surgery the next morning. The next morning Dr. S came in and told me that I had an anterior leak in the T4/T5 region. The plan was so go into my back, remove several discs, saw away at some bone, and access my dura to find the leak. Once the leak was isolated, Dr. S would patch it and then Dr. A (the other neurosurgeon) would put a titatinium plate along my spine to stabilize the area where bone and discs had been removed. Dr. S went on to tell me that this surgery would be significantly more painful and have a longer recovery than the previous surgeries. The surgery was on a Wed and Dr. S made it clear that I would likely not being going home until the following week (I was expecting to be home by Sunday).

The next morning I was wheeled into preop before the surgery. The anethesiologist told me I would wake up in pain but that they would be there and would do everything possible to manage my pain. He said, "you have been on narcotics for awhile, right?" I said, "yes." He said, "you must be pretty tolerant." Me, "yes." He turned to his resident and said, "why don't we give her 20mg of morphine and 10mg of IV methadone?" Me, "uhmm....that sounds like a lot, can we just start with the methadone?" He then proceeded to give me IV methadone. I don't remember much after that.....just that I really didn't care about ANYTHING and the room was hazy. The next thing I knew, I woke up in recovery and IN PAIN.

I was wheeled back into my room and SHOCKED to find out that it was 8pm. The surgery was supposed to take 4 hours but it took more like 8 hours....yikes! I was also suprised to hear that I had a large anterior thoracic leak and they had operated from T2-T9, leaving a very large plate in my back. The parade of surgeons, nurses, and therapists that came into my room over the next week all commented on how big of a surgery I had undergone. I really had no idea it was going to be so major. Or that the recovery would be so long. The first 2 nights were horrible. I had to lay flat (but I could be on my side). The nurses had to turn me every few hours and prop pillows all around me in an effort to find a comfortable position. It didn't matter, I just could not get comfortable. I learned about sponge baths, total helplessness, and humility in ways I could have never imagined. Poor Tommie tried to help but there was nothing anyone could do to make it better.

To top it all off, the first 48 hours after surgery I had a fever up to 104 and was hypotensive (low blood pressure) and tachycardic (fast heart rate). In came the Internal Medicine doctor and Infectious Disease specialist. I was started on antibiotics for a presumed sinus infection and ear infection.

I learned that nurses really need to get educated about pain. It seemed like every other nurse was afraid to give me my pain meds as prescribed because they were afraid it was to much. Hello...the pain regimen was prescribed by a very experienced pain team! After the 1st night I learned that the pain team was available 24/7 (despite what the nurses led me to believe) and would adjust my meds anytime. The pain team was incredible. But, from them to the nurses things tended to get lost in translation. The nurses also had a really hard time with the PCA (patient controlled anethesia). It must be really difficult to operate because it was a problem for every shift. One night I kept telling Tommie that the PCA was not working. No matter how much I pushed it, it didn't seem to be helping. I asked the nurses to check the PCA...2 different nurses came in a checked. Everything was fine. Ok. About a hour later, the pain team nurse came in and checked my settings. I had been put on a setting of 0.6mg/hr instead of 6mg/hr and my lockout was set at 0.3mg/8 minutes instead of 3mg/8 minutes...no wonder it didn't seem to be working! The entire experience was eye opening for Tommie and me.

Don't get me wrong, there were also good things. I had a lot of great nurses and all of the doctors were AMAZING. But, the little things really do matter. For example, closing the curtain in front of the door during a sponge bath so that when people walk in the door they don't see you laying completely naked in the bed. I always appreciated the nurses that took into account shift change and checked on you before it started. I know Tommie and Mere appreciated the nurses and techs that were quiet at night.

After a few nights, it became clear that I would be in the hospital well past Sunday. On Friday, Tommie called her mom and found out that she was sick. She had taken to her bed and was just not doing well at all. Since Tommie is all that her mom has, she really needed to get back to LR to take care of her. So we arranged for Mere to come in on Sat and Tommie to leave. The girls stayed at our house with my mom. Of course, she was threatened with her life if she did anything with our house!

In the few hours that I was alone (Tommie was on her way home and Mere was on her way to LA), they let me get out of bed. A PT (physical therapist) came and put a walker in front of me. I laughed....I don't need a walker! So, I stood up and promptly fell down (the therapist was there to catch me). My right leg had no strength and I couldn't really tell where it was in space. I also got shooting pains down both my legs when I flexed a the waist. The therapist managed to get me up with the walker and we walked a few feet before I couldn't do anymore. I was so frustrated and a little scared. They had also taken the foley catheter out and I found that I couldn't go to the bathroom. Great. My legs don't work and my bladder doesn't work. Not looking good for the home team. Dr. S ordered high dose steroids and scans to see what was happening. Now I had a physiatrist (physical medicine and rehabilitation doctor) and urologist added to the mix of specialists trying to put me back together. Mere arrived not long after the PT left so she was there for the onslaught of new doctors and tests.

The next few days was spent with me trying to get up and around more. Mere helped me shower and I tried to sit in a chair for a few hours/day. I was starting to feel better. My fever was long gone and my pain was getting better. I was off of the PCA and managing well with oral meds. The MRI had not showed much and I was getting a little better with the high dose steroids. The physiatrist wanted me to go to inpatient rehab in California. I opted a big fat NO on that one but agreed to do outpatient therapy in Little Rock. I spent the day on the phone finding out the best place for spinal cord injuries in LR and working out the details of what I needed to do to get started. We were hoping to go home on Wed or Thurs.

Then, the results of the CT scan came. There was a screw that was protruding into my spinal canal on the left side (the right side was the one with the problem). Dr. S didn't think that the screw was causing my problems but was worried that it could become problematic with time. He felt that the best course of action was to go in and remove the screw. The surgery would be much smaller than the previous one but the pain and recovery would start all over again. Cutting into all the muscles of the back and retracting them during surgery causes a lot of post op pain. Ughhh!!!!

So, I went back to the OR on Wed. The surgery was quick and uneventful. The next 2 days were spent in severe pain, with the PCA, in bed, and generally miserable. On day 3, I was able to start getting up, showering, etc. I was PCA free and the foley catheter was out again. All the things needed to start talking about a discharge date. Somewhere along the line, my liver function tests got out of whack so I was got to have an ultrasound on my liver (which was pretty nonspecific). Luckily, my numbers returned to normal towards the end of my hospital stay.

By Friday, Dr. S was willing to set Sunday as a go home date. Meanwhile, my mom had bought a shower seat for the house and Tommie had found a walker for me to use at home. We bought our tickets and Mere got all of my prescriptions filled on Friday so we were ready for Sunday. Sunday morning went well and we made it to the airport without any problems. The flight was challenging and left us both exhausted. But, we were so happy to be home on Sunday night and with our girls. We let Syd stay home from school on Monday so we could all just chill out together.

I am getting better by the day. My legs are getting stronger and my pain is getting more manageable. I start physical therapy next week....yeah! Dr. S assumes that I am done leaking for now. Of course, we never know until I get off pain meds and over the surgery. Either way, I need a break from surgery and LA for awhile. My doctors are anticipating about 4-6 weeks of recovery.

Without the generosity of friends, family, and our church....we would be in so much trouble. The entire time we were both in LA, our church brought dinner for my mom and the girls. They continued to bring meals to us after we returned home. They have been so generous with their time, money, and love. It has truly been overwhelming and reminds us both of how important it is to pay it forward. A good friend of mine and her husband (both fellows) also donated money, which blew us both away....their generosity brought us both to tears (and still does every time I think about it). Mere has started picking up some substitute teaching gigs at Syd's school but she can't work full time because I can't be left alone for long periods of time (since I am still VERY limited in what I can do). Plus, I need someone to take me back and forth to PT. I am hoping and praying that I can go back to work in April....PLEASE!!!!!!

Ok, I need to end this super long post. Thanks for hanging in to the end (if you are still reading)!

A Very Brief Update

2010-02-23T16:55:00.000-08:00

First things first....I am settled into a room, 5 hrs post myelogram and doing great. They gave me a little less contrast this time, I was SUPER hydrated, and I have been upright as much as possible. I think the combination of the three really made a difference. Yes, I feel yucky with a headache (different than the spinal headaches) and some nausea, BUT, so much better than the 2 previous myelograms. Seems that all is clear (Mere hates it when I say stuff like that....she is really into Murphy's law). I think my pain tolerance is really getting better.

Now, we wait. I have no idea what the myelogram showed. I don't know if I will have surgery or a blood patch. I am leaning towards blood patch. Dr. S will come in sometime tonight and tell us the plan. I have learned that he just kind of whips in and out and you never really know when he will appear.

Thanks to everyone for all the prayers, meals, and love. We are SO LUCKY!! I just got to skype with Mere and Syd (Layne in bed) so I am loving life.

Here I Go Again......

2010-02-21T19:17:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow we go back to LA. Mere is staying with the girls and Tommie is going with me (again). The place where time crawls and I get stuck with lots of needles. I'm not really sure what this trip with bring. All I know is that I am having a myelogram on Tuesday. They are pre-medicating me with steroids and B.enadryl and keeping me in the hospital overnight. I'm also still on D.ilantin so I am really hoping there is no seizure in my future. Someone asked me....how can you be so scared of something that you don't remember? I don't know. It is strange. I do remember a few little moments but it is strange to be so scared of something that is largely removed from my consciousness.

I am scheduled for surgery on Wednesday. Rather or not I will actually have surgery, I don't know. I'm thinking that if the myelogram is normal then they will do a large volume blood patch. The truth is, I have NO IDEA. What I do know....I really don't want to go again!!!!!

We are so blessed with amazing friends, family, and church.

I'll keep you posted.....unless I'm on a morphine drip.

To Seize or Not to Seize?

2010-02-15T06:24:00.000-08:00

We (Tommie and I) leave on the 22nd. Mere is staying with the girls. We can't keep uprooting them. As much as I want her there (and she wants to be there) we can't put what we want before the girls. They need SOME stability right now. Their lives have been turned upside down over and over again.

I have a myelogram scheduled for the 23rd and surgery or blood patch or whatever on the 24th. I am still waiting to get all the details. The scheduler called me last week to schedule everything and I asked her if they were going to observe me in the hospital overnight after the myelogram since I had a seizure after the last one. She wasn't sure and put me through to the NP to ask my questions. I'm still waiting to hear back...........

Which leaves me plenty of time to ruminate about myelograms and seizures. I did some research and it turns out that the chance of having a seizure after a myelogram is 0.15%. Yes, you read it right....0.15%! Why can't I beat the odds at a casino or the lottery? I don't want to be the patient that has the rare complications, this is not my goal. I did find out that the propofol they used to sedate me is sometimes associated with increased seizure risk AND it was the only thing different about this myelogram and the 600 others I have had. I also found out that being super hydrated will decrease the nausea and help the dye move through your system quickly. Oh yeah, and putting your head up after a myelogram so the dye can drain away from your brain (I always lay flat because it usually feels better to be flat) will also decrease the tiny chance of a seizure. So my plan is no sedation, drink water and gatorade like crazy for the 24 hrs before the myelogram, and sit up after the myelogram. The only one of those options that doesn't sound painful is the water/gatorade part. I am also still on seizure meds which should also help.

When all of this started, a seizure was the last thing I was worried about and now it is at the top of my list. I don't remember the seizure, I just remember the fear and confusion as I started to wake up and the macerated tongue. I watched some grand mal seizures on u.tube and really felt like I was going to be sick. I. don't. want. to. do. it. again. I'm not afraid of dying or even having physical limitations but the thought of not having me, MY thoughts, MY brain...that does scare me. I haven't let myself stay in fear for very long, but this time I'm having a hard time getting away from it. I've heard it said that you can't have fear if you have faith. I guess my faith is starting to wobble....at least today.

Where's Tommie??

2010-02-06T09:56:00.000-08:00

So, for those of you who have known me awhile...the appearance of Tommie in our life has probably seemed sudden. Ok, I know it has seemed sudden because a lot of you have told me. I have heard from more than one person, "who is Tommie?" We met about a year ago and our friendship has just happened. The only explanation I have is that there are some people you are just supposed to know....she must be one of them. One of our closest friends keeps saying, "she is family and I haven't even met her yet." Which has started a joke that Tommie is not real. So, this is for you Linda......until you can meet in the flesh you will just have to trust that these pictures are real (and not me with a cardboard cut out)!!

Balance Beam

2010-02-05T09:26:00.000-08:00

I had to get this one down before I forget it.
We were driving in the car the other day listening to a kid's cd. The song was about a kid practicing on a balance beam and saying "I'm getting better every day." Layne got really excited from the backseat and the following conversation took place:

Layne: "mommy, this is your favorite song."
Me: "Really? Yeah. OK. I do like this song" (I had never heard this song before.)
Layne: "Because it says I'm getting better everyday, like you."
Me: "You're right Layne. I am getting better everyday."

OK. So maybe I was wrong about her not really understanding that I'm not 100%. I guess I don't give our sweet, smart 3 year old enough credit. I just want to shield them from any worry, fear, and general bad stuff. But, in this situation....it is just impossible. Everyone says, "it is good for them to learn these lessons now." Really? I don't think so. I think it is good for kids to be kids and not worry about adult things like leaky spines, financial woes, and death. No, you can't protect them from all bad things BUT I REALLY WANT TO!!!

I'm worried that Syd is going to quit believing us because everytime I go to LA I tell her I will be better when I get back. Obviously, that has not been the case. I think this time I will tell her that I will be better eventually but I'm not 100% sure that this will be my last trip to LA.

Everytime I hear Syd tell Layne, "we will do that when mommy gets better" a little piece of my heart breaks. For now I am trying to do as much normal stuff as I can with the family. Cook dinner, eat with them, make lunches, help with homework, go to cheerleading games, etc. Things that I can do if I'm fortified with pain meds and a way to put my head down after about 2 hours. Now that I know bed rest doesn't help and being up doesn't hurt.....it is just a matter of how much pain I can tolerate before I become a complete bitch.

My spine might still be leaking but maybe I am getting better at walking on this balance beam.

Bigger Than My Body

2010-02-04T12:19:00.000-08:00

Ok. I am not really a J.ohn Mayer fan. I don't have anything against him, I'm just not really into his music. I don't really know his songs or much about him. I woke up this morning with this verse in my head, "I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for." Weird. I haven't heard that song in a long time. So, I decided to look it up and listen to it. First, I looked under D.ave Matthews Band because that is who I thought sang it. See....I really have never had ANY connection to this song except for hearing it in passing on the radio. When I looked up the lyrics, it kind of took my breath away,

"This is a call to the color-blind
This is an IOU
I'm stranded behind a horizon line
Tied up in something true

Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded (by)
All this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting
For my fuse to dry

Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be so damn much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for

Why is it not my time?
What is there more to learn?
Shed this skin I've been tripping in
Never to quite return

Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded (by)
All this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting
For my fuse to dry

Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be so damn much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for
Cause I'm bigger than my body now

Maybe I'll tangle in the power lines
And it might be over in a second's time
But I'll gladly go down in a flame
If the flame's what it takes to remember my name

Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded (by)
All this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting
For my fuse to dry
For my fuse to dry

Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be so damn much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body
I'm bigger than my body
I'm bigger than my body now"

Also, this morning I was doing some reading and came across this quote from Thomas Merton, "I am nothing. It is not my job to understand."

So, that is what I'm going with. I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for and it is not my job to understand.

New name

2010-02-03T20:37:00.000-08:00

I think I should change the name of this blog to, "The Headache" since that is what I have been talking about since October....yes, October!!! Ughhhh!!!! But, I want to chronicle this journey because I do think it will end EVENTUALLY and I want to remember the life lessons I am tired of learning.

So, long story short, the headaches are not gone. The post op pain has gotten MUCH better which means I can now tell which pain is which. When I lay down, not much pain. When I stand up, pain. It really is that simple. I can make it through several hours (almost an entire day) armed with pain pills and the ability to lay my head down when it gets really bad. But, by evening I. have. to. lay. down. There is NO way to avoid it. I even got to enjoy some of the nausea and ear popping today because I really pushed it to far. I can't really concentrate on anything serious for any period of time, which makes work impossible and the pain always reaches a threshold where I get really snippy. I have emailed Dr. S and the plan is for me to wait another week (after this one) to make sure and to let me continue to heal from the last surgery before going back to LA. The writing is on the wall, I know I'm going back. I have no idea what the plan will be this time. Truthfully, it doesn't matter. This is my only option. I have no control. So, as they say on AI, "you are going to Hollywood." This time Mere will stay home with the girls and Tommie will go with me the entire time. We can't keep uprooting the girls and LUCKILY Tommie offered to go again without me asking (I had ZERO intention of asking her to do this AGAIN). At this point in time, she knows all the doctors, the hospital, and the whole routine. And, having her there really is perfect (for me, not so much for her). Sometimes people are just put in your life and it just works. I'm just going to go with it.

I have spent a lot of time in fear of a lot of things. Mostly, that Dr. S won't be able to fix me, I won't be able to work, and I will always be in pain. For some reason, those fears are leaving. I have a deep, abiding faith that just won't let me believe that I would be brought this far and not be able to be a doctor, a mother, a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sister. I will have so much to give after this experience. So much to give back. I'm ready to get on with it! Unfortunately, I have learned that my timeline is meaningless.

I have spent my life planning. Setting goals, meeting goals, and moving to the next one. I have spent my life in the future. Suddenly, I can't plan. I can't say what I'll be doing next week or next month. Of course, I never really could....that was just an illusion. I have today and I am TRYING really hard to enjoy it while I can.

Mere is exhausted. I think the sheer worrying has almost put her over the edge. If I hiccup wrong, she jumps up to check on me. If I get up in the middle of the night, she is up to. If I am in the bathroom for to long (or any room for that matter), she comes to find me. She usually asked me if I have taken my D.ilantin (anti seizure medication) at least once a day. The last surgery caused some (likely temporary) damage to my laryngeal nerve, resulting in hoarseness and occasional trouble swallowing liquids. The end result, I cough a lot because liquids are always going down the "wrong" way. Every time I start coughing, she is there making sure I am ok. I think when this is over, she might sleep for a month. I maintain that I would NOT want the tables to be turned. I think it is easier to be the sick person then the spouse of a sick person. I may not be a smart woman, but I know what love is and ours is getting stronger and bigger by the hour.

And, there is some good news. I called CS hospital last night to start discussing payment plans. Thus far my medical bills (even with insurance) are somewhere near $100,000. I'm SO glad I have insurance (that was sarcastic if you couldn't tell). The woman on the phone was SO nice and helpful. Turns out, they have a financial assistance program that she was pretty sure I would qualify for. She said she feels like it will at the very least pay 60% of my medical bills and at the most 100% and it is good for 6 months. So, first I pray that my spine will get fixed and then I pray for the 100% assistance. Either way, I think it is AMAZING that they have such a program and it makes me want to donate money to them some day (when we actually have money again).

Ok. I'm going to try to get some sleep now. I have a perfect 7 year old sleeping next to me just waiting to be cuddled.

Fear and Uncertainty

2010-01-26T07:06:00.000-08:00

So...we are back. Life is no where near back to normal but we are back and together as a family, which is the best gift that can be given. This surgery was A LOT more intensive and invasive then the last one. The pain has been much worse than last time and I have had to rely on pain pills a way more then I like. And, since there is so much post op pain it is impossible to know if the surgery worked. Dr. S said it will take 4-6 weeks to know for sure. And, that is where I spend a lot of time trying to stay out of the fear. If I could know that I was for sure fixed, then I would not have any trouble getting through the recovery. I'm just so TERRIFIED of having to do this over and over again. The good thing? Dr. S said he will not give up on me. That made me feel hopeful and good. For now, 4-6 weeks with no driving and no lifting over 5 lbs. That is really all I have control over right now. That is it. The rest is not up to me. This is a very hard pill to swallow. The financial uncertainty combined with the fear of continued bad health is really just life altering. I don't know how people do this. The further this goes, the less I identify with the doctor and the more I identify with the patient. I know there are no certainties in life....I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. But, when the illusion of certainties is shattered, it starts to mess with you. I pray A LOT and I am trying really hard to rely on my higher power but that is not always as easy as it sounds (or maybe it is).

Syd is confused and a little scared about what to do with me and Layne just wants me to pick her up. I know that if this ever ends, they won't remember this time and for that I am grateful.

I am also grateful for the amazing friends that we have. When we were still in LA, Rae (one of our online buddies) went way out of her way to pick Mere up at the airport and bring her to the hospital. To top it off, she had a basket full of goodies and a gift card waiting for her. The most amazing thing? She collected money from our online friends to make it happen. These are the things that make you know there is a God and that people are good. What an amazing thing that you can have a connection with people that live miles away and that you have never met in person. Thank you doesn't seem like enough, but it is all I have. So, Thank You!!!!

Surgery

2010-01-18T06:59:00.000-08:00

Today is the day. Surgery. Again. I talked to Dr. S last night and he says that the old leak is not completely sealed, SO he is going back into the same spot to revise the surgery. For some reason this makes me feel better then if there was a whole other leak. Still surgery, but I feel better. Right now I'm mostly just worried about the what ifs. I have experienced a lot of the what ifs, and frankly, I'm through with what ifs.

The latest what if is contrast dye and seizures. So, it was after the myelogram and Tommie and I were hanging out in the recovery room. That is the last thing I remember. Apparently, I started screaming and thrashing around. I. was. having. a seizure. I wish I had some great way to describe it but it is all so blurry. I do remember seeing Tommie there and knowing that she was with me but I didn't know who she was, or her name, or where I was. She looked scared, I remember that. There were lots of people talking to me. I don't really remember much until I came to in the ICU. That is when I started to get the story from Tommie. Apparently, the contrast dye can cause seizures. It is rare, but it happens, suprise! I guess after a bazillion myelograms you start playing the odds. We spent the night in the ICU with the worlds nicest nurse. The next day, they discharged me back to the hotel to return Monday for surgery. We have spent the weekend just hanging out and waiting.
I'm just so THANKFUL that we had not been discharged and we weren't walking down the hall or the street when the seizure started! There is always something to be thankful for....can you tell I've been with Tommie for a week?
Mere comes in tomorrow and Tommie leaves. I cannot wait to see Meredith!!! But, I'm glad that we did it this way. The girls didn't have a REALLY long time without us and Mere didn't have to see the seizure experience (which, according to Tommie was not a lot of fun).

Can I just say, time in LA crawls? These are the longest days of my life! Mere agreed when she was here and Tommie agrees now. It is strange. The days go on and on and on. It is 7am here, surgery is a noon and we have to be at the hospital at 10. There a million hours between now and then, or at least it seems that way.

Some things I don't want to forget:

--we are staying in a really cute hotel with a great little Italian restaurant. Last night we had the CUTEST waiter from Argentina. He was super yummy, so was the food.

--Tommie saw Barbra Streisand in the elevator at CS hospital. She played it cool, didn't say anything. Wonder if she will be there today?

--There is the sweetest gray bird here named, Shadow. He sings a lot and seems very happy.

I would definately stay at this hotel again!

So, the plan:
Surgery today. Mere come in tomorrow, Tommie leaves. Hopefully, home by Friday, but I really have NO idea.

One More Time

2010-01-15T08:14:00.000-08:00

Life was good. Ok, life IS still good, just not what I planned. Of course, I am learning that my plans are silly and insignificant and rarely matter. It was last Thursday when the headaches started to become noticeable. I had to lay down at the end of a long day, I was having trouble concentrating on patients, and I just felt yucky. Could it all be in my head? Maybe. At least that is what I was hoping. Well, fast forward to today. Here I am, back in LA getting ready for another myelogram.

Long story short, they are back. I had a full spine MRI yesterday which showed some leakage at the old site. The surgeon said it could be new or it could be post op from my previous surgery. The only way to find out is a myelogram. Luckily, they are going to sedate me this time. Whew! He said that if the myelogram is abnormal, then I get to have surgery again. If it is normal, then maybe another blood patch. So, I find myself in a strange situation.....hoping for an abnormal myelogram and surgery. At least if it is not normal, then he can find the exact spot and fix it. If it is normal, then what? Non specific blood patches and unanswered questions. Can't go there now....not going to.

Tommie is here with me and Mere is still in LR with the girls. We are going one step at a time right now. I will post more as I know it.

Words

2009-12-27T18:33:00.000-08:00

I had a post in my head. I swear, I did but now it is gone. I'm not even 100% sure what it was supposed to be about, but I'm pretty sure it was good. I think there might be some permanent brain damage. Sometimes there just aren't words.

A few things I've done for the first time all over again

-danced with the girls in the kitchen
-gave the girls a bath
-gone to 2 movies (New Moon and Alvin and the Chipmunks)
-D.R.O.V.E my car. Yes, windows down and music up. Alone.
-put Layne to bed
-cooked dinner
-trip to the new K.roger
-gone to church
-walked up stairs

By the way, it is really cold outside! When you miss the weather transition it is kinda harsh. Oh yeah, and Christmas is over....how did that happen? I was just looking over my posts from this time last year. It is all different now. All of it. Here we go again.....

Waking up

2009-12-21T07:02:00.001-08:00

I lost a week. An entire week. It is gone. Just fleeting moments of memories here and there but basically gone. A little bit comes back here and there and I have to ask Mere, "did that happen? What happened? Did I dream that or was it real?" I am waking up and really feel sort of shell shocked. I didn't even know that Christmas was Friday until yesterday. It is impossible to describe how it feels to drop out of life and then come back.

LA seems like it happened so long ago. Surgery seems like a million miles away. The hospital, the ER, the MRIs, the myelograms. It was a string of events that seems so distant, but it was just a few weeks ago.

Basically, what happened was that I quit taking my pain medications. I had been on a cocktail of narcotics, anti-nausea pills, and various other meds for over a month. Once we got home I felt so much better so I quit taking the narcotics. Monday afternoon I started to feel like bugs were under my skin (similar to my reaction to c.ompazine). I went home and took some of the meds that I had taken for the dyskinesia reaction and some pain medications. I felt better that night and actually slept ok. The next morning, it was back. I felt my heart racing and I couldn't sit still. I felt like bugs were under my skin. It was SO uncomfortable, I could not sit still. I called my PCP and she told me to go to the ER. That is when they told me I was going through withdrawals. That was Wednesday. That is when I dropped out of life and didn't get back until yesterday (Sunday). The doctor offered to keep me in the hospital for the withdrawal process. They also offered m.ethadone and/or c.lonidine (a blood pressure med that has additional properties that help the withdrawal process). I had just gotten out of the hospital and didn't want to go back (but I would have stayed if I had any idea how miserable the withdrawals would be) and I didn't want to have to get on m.ethadone and then withdrawal from it so I agreed to go home with clonidine and wait it out. Keep in mind they had given me some IV a.tivan so I was already feeling better. I had no idea what the following days would be like. The ER doctor basically told me that I would not die but I would feel like I was...that was an understatement.

Apparently, Tommie and Meredith banded together that night and decided to get rid of all the drugs and make me tough it out, figuring that I would be 100% by Christmas. The alternative of weaning me and going through a long process didn't appeal to either of them. They just wanted me back to normal as fast as possible and they knew that once the withdrawals got bad I would be desperate for ANYTHING to make them stop. Their logic was sound and I'm glad that they did it that way. Tough love was what I needed, even though I spent a few days hating them both. The days that followed made everything up to that point seem like a cake walk. I don't remember much about the first 2 days except that I stayed in bed and just took c.lonidine and tried to sleep as much as possible. I didn't eat or drink. I sporadically remember Mere and the girls coming in and out of the bedroom. I remember Tommie telling me just 24 more hours, just 24 more hours, tomorrow will be better. The next 2 days Tommie basically became the drink Nazi, pouring fluids down every minute. If I wasn't drinking, she was telling me to drink. And the more I drank, the better I felt. Then the stomach cramps started...that was fun. Everything that went in, came out. Then Tommie made me eat...bland cookies, toast, and of course more fluids. Everyday got a little better and by yesterday I was actually starting to feel human again. My sleeping patterns are still really messed up and I'm still not able to eat much. G.atorade is my friend. At least now I can interact with my family and be present.

I'm still in shock over the entire experience. It still seems like something that happened to someone else. Our lives are just starting to get back to normal. There are tons of presents to wrap (we haven't even started) and the medical bills are starting to pile in (there are a lot). We are going to be climbing out of this hole for awhile, but I know we are on the right tract now. I am thankful for this experience. It has changed me in ways that I can't translate into words. It has strengthened my relationship with Mere in ways I never thought possible. I KNOW what love is. I know that I am loved. I know what is important to me. I know that there is some cosmic reason that we went through all of this. I know that it is my job to have fun and enjoy this life. And, PAY ATTENTION!

There is still a tiny little part of me that wants to crawl into a little hole and hide out....I've been so sheltered and out of the loop for so long. Now that I'm back, it is weird. Don't get me wrong, it is WONDERFULLY weird. I am so happy to be here. I'm happy to be alive. I am blessed with amazing children and a wife made of steel. Now I have to go cuddle with my girlies....ahhh....heaven.

Just say no (to c.ompazine)

2009-12-09T15:20:00.000-08:00

HI guys! Thank you to all my cyber friends for all your prayers and good vibes. I am doing much better and feeling almost back to normal.

My surgery went well. I have a C5/C6 fusion and a 2 inch scar on the front of my neck, but am otherwise doing good. The first night in the hospital was HELL! The neurosurgery resident was not very forthcoming with pains meds. They had me on IV d.ilaudid and o.xycodone. Which sounds like a lot, but I have a tolerance for drugs because I have been on narcotics over a month. Unfortunately, i have since found out that I am allergic to D.ilaudid. It made me super hot, flushed (and very RED), and restless. And I was supposed to lay flat. I would get dilaudid, pass out for about 15 minutes and then we would start the pain cycle all over again. Granted, I was pretty doped up but every time they gave me D.Ilaudid I felt worse. Making matters worse were the most uncomfortable compression stockings all the way up my thigh, the foley catheter, AND having to lay 100% flat for the entire night. Poor Tommie was with me and trying so hard to keep me positive. Every time I moved or made a noise she jumped up and tried to help. Mostly, she had to "baby" me and just be sympathetic. She didn't get any sleep the first night either! That first 24 hours will always be etched in my mind and one of my worst moments of my life. Luckily, when Dr. S rounded the next morning, he changed my pain meds around, let me get up, and took of the terrible compression hose. Finally, things were looking up. After I took a shower (basically, Mere gave me a shower) and worked with the physical therapists, my pain level was starting to inch upward. I called for another dose of d.ilaudid (since it was to soon for o.xycodone).....once it hit my veins, my heart rate went up, I got extremely hot, and I felt TERRIBLE. That is when it occurred to me that maybe I have a d.ilaudid allergy. D.ilaudid will never go in my IV again. EVER. Period.

The following 2 days were pretty uneventful. Tommie, Mere, and I played games and just hung out and then discharge! Yeah! Unfortunately, our time at the hospital was not over because we ended up taking a trip the ER last night. Around 2pm yesterday I started to feel funny. It felt like there were little bugs under my skin, my mouth got really dry, my neck and jaw stiffened, and I felt TERRIBLE. So, Mere took me to the emergency room. By the time we got there, I could barely talk. The triage nurse took my vital signs and my heart rate was racing at 151 bpm (normal is 40-100, I usually stay around 80). Within 15 minutes I was in a bed, with an IV, and waiting for the doctor. When the doctor came in and I explained my symptoms he said, "have you been taking c.ompazine?" Yes, Yes, Yes. I have been taking it for nausea for about a month. He said, "you are experiencing dyskinesia." And c.ompazine is one of the drugs that leads to dyskinesia. They gave me IV b.enadryl and C.ogentin and I was better within a hour. Talk about a miracle drug. Oh yeah, I will never allow someone to give me IV b.enadrly again...it really made me feel funny (bad funny, not good funny). I have sense found out the c.ompazine cause irritability, mood swings, double vision, and severe constipation...all things that have been happening since I started taking it. All of which explains a LOT. It takes 2 days for the c.ompazine to leave your system so in the meantime I am trying to stay relaxed and take b.enadryl and c.ogentin. But dyskinesia is pretty painful/difficult/strange! It scared the shit out of Mere.

Did the surgery work? I think so but cannot be 100% sure until all the post op pain is gone so I can tell if the headaches are from surgery or a leaky spine. But, I do feel like I am fixed. But, if I'm not then we will come back and do it all over again. Dr. S said my success rate is about 87%, which includes people that he has had to operate on more than once. I like 87%. I will take it. If we have to come back, then we will come back. We are beating this thing for sure!!!!

I think that is all I have to report right now. I will keep you all posted.

Today's the Day

2009-12-03T08:39:00.000-08:00

This is Mere posting for Jess.

Surgery is today at 11:45am PST. So for the sake of not having to double post, I'll be putting updates on my blog. So head on over there. I'll try to update this evening after surgery (should last about 2.5 hours) and Jess is out of recovery and all settled into her room. If I don't post tonight, I'll post first thing in the morning.

Send your positive thoughts Jess's way!

Thank God it is me!

2009-12-01T20:55:00.000-08:00

Today was the day. The day to get some answers, the day we met Dr. S (the neurosurgeon that we came to see). He was super nice and my appointment went great. The best part of it all? He was not impressed with me.....he has seen plenty of patients like me and operated on over 100 of us. FINALLY, a doctor with answers instead of questions. It was refreshing and made us both feel good. Here are some answers we got during our visit:

- Mortality rate is 0 (yeah!!!!)
- Risks include paralysis, loss of my voice (if he has to go anteriorly), decrease in neck mobility, etc, etc. He has not had any of the aforementioned outcomes in his patients.
- I probably will not have to be in the ICU after surgery and can always have someone stay with me in my room
- I will be in the hospital for 4 days
- I have to stay in LA for at least one week after surgery
- The success rate for my case is about 87%, this includes cases where he has had to operate more than once. Hopefully, I won't need more than on operation. What happens to the other 13%? Who knows...not gonna be me!
- My operation will be at 11:45 am on Thursday and last approximately 2.5 hours so please send me all of your good vibes during that time!!

After the visit I had to go pre-register, get my blood drawn, and then have ANOTHER MRI. Apparently, Dr. S wanted a brain MRI in addition to the spine MRI I had yesterday. Luckily, this one only took about a hour (thank God). I was walking back into the MRI and I saw them bringing out a little girl about Syd's age who was sedated and had just finished getting her MRI. All I could think was THANK GOD I'm the one who is sick. Those poor, poor parents with a sick baby girl. In that moment I was overcome with gratitude. Amazing how things happen. The MRI was uneventful and quick. Oh, and they played the B.lack Eyed Peas song again while I was getting scanned. It was hard not to dance.

Tomorrow is my myelogram. UGHHHH, not excited about it but hopeful that this is the last one, EVER. On the flip side, Tommie comes in tomorrow.....one good thing and one bad thing. I know Mere is ready for her to be here because I will be on my best behavior. The pain medications make me SO grouchy!!!!

I stand corrected

2009-12-01T09:28:00.000-08:00

Ok...I have mentioned before that I like the MRI machine. I think I even used the word Zen. Maybe that is just U.AMS's machine or maybe it is impossible to feel zen when you have to lay perfectly still in an uncomfortable position for 3 hours. Either way, it is over....one down, 500 to go! At least there was music. They had headphones that go on top of the ear plugs for you listening pleasure. Just when I thought I couldn't make it through, the B.lack Eyed Peas song, M.eet Me Halfway came on and made me smile. I could picture Tommie singing it and I knew I could make it through the rest of the MRI. Music can get you through anything, and X.anax. God is everywhere, sending me signs (or maybe I'm just going crazy).

Speaking of signs......
After checking in at the front desk of the imaging center a man called me back to register me. His name? Rudy! Rudy!!! Can you believe it? If you are confused then check out my post titled, Where the Beautiful People Are. Anyway, I was smiling from ear-to-ear. Seriously, that is a sign, FOR REAL!!!

Today is appointment with Dr. S. Hopefully, my next post will be packed full of useful updates.

Recalculating

2009-11-29T16:21:00.000-08:00

Recalculating, recalculating, recalculating....that is what Lola kept saying to us and we drove aimlessly around LA. Lola is the GPS that our friends let us borrow. Apparently, after a cross country drive she was tired and in no mood to help us. We arrived in LA Sunday night....a day before schedule. The drive was easy, or at least it was for me, until we came into LA. We missed one little exit...one little exit....and all hell broke loose. We pulled over and asked the GPS to get us back on track. It took us all around LA...we were suspicious about where it was telling us to go, but who are we to argue with Lola? Until she said, "recalculating" and we had not gone anywhere near close to the 1.7 mile she had told us to go before turning. She started recalculating like crazy, obviously just as lost as we were. Luckily, our handy i.phones have GPS (not as fancy as Lola) that saved the day. I put Lola to bed for some rest. Hopefully, she will be more cooperative the next time we need her.

The hotel is cute. It has a king bed and fold out sofa (for Tommie when she gets here) and kitchenette. There is also a fireplace and balcony...extra perks that don't make me want to go home any less. I want to recalculate this whole damn thing! I am already really missing the girlies. It seems like everything reminds us of them (yes, we are pathetic). I am trying to be a good sport and not be grumpy, but it is hard. Poor Mere is trying too. We are both trying but all we want to do is go home NOW!

We drove around LA today and saw Beverly Hills, Rodeo Drive, C.edars Sinai, and plenty of beautiful people. The weather is perfect and there are at least a thousand shops, restaurants, and other things to do on every corner. We saw an organic vegan restaurant. How cool is that? Everything is organic this and organic that....no W.almarts here. Of course the traffic is horrible and cancels out all the positives of having an organic vegan restaurant at your doorstep (no, I'm not vegan). We did find an awesome frozen yogurt place called y.ogurtland. I think LR needs a francise because it was SUPER yummy and cheap. I think we need to go there everyday!

We are staying in West Hollywood which is apparently home to mostly gay men. There are rainbow flags everywhere and cute, little, LA gay guys swarming everywhere you look. Our hotel has the "gay channel" but no HGTV or Food Network....they obviously don't care about the lesbians. WTF is the gay channel anyway? I think all the lesbians are in the suburbs, driving minivans, having kids, and watching my favorite channels (HGTV and the Food Network)....ahhh.....sounds so good.

Tomorrow I have 3 hours of MRIs. I know, my life is very glamorous.....please don't be to jealous!! I'm ready to get this party started so we can go home. In the meantime, we can watch one of the many DVDs that make up the hotel's DVD library. Here are our choices: Grumpier Old Men, Spiderman II, A River Runs Through It, Men in Black II, Volver, Beaches, and St. John in Exiles. On second thought, I think I'll just watch the gay channel.

My Poor Little Sydney

2009-11-27T19:44:00.000-08:00

Today was our first day on the road. We were up early (Mere earlier than me), showered, car loaded, and ready to go. The only thing left was to say goodbye to the girlies. Mere woke Layne up and I went into the bedroom and cuddled up next to Syd. I woke her up and said, "It is time for mommy and mama to leave." She groaned and buried her head in the pillow. I thought she was still waking up until Mere mouthed to me, "she is crying." Oh.....our poor little girl. All this time she has acted like us leaving is no big deal. Here we were worried about Layne and it was Syd that was crying. She was hanging on us and said, "I don't want you to go." She has never cried out of sadness....today was the first time. Before today she reserved her tears for pain or trying to get out of trouble. It was truly heartbreaking. It took every little part of me to leave her. I just wanted to call the whole thing off and stay in bed cuddled up next to my girlies. Layne was fine. As we pulled off, she was waving and smiling, perfectly happy in "nanny's" arms. Syd didn't come to the door. We just talked to her a little while ago and both girls ended up at a friend's house playing, eating ice cream, and having fun. My mom said she overheard Syd telling Layne not to put something in her mouth because she would "have to have surgery." Apparently, Layne said, "what is surgery?" Syd said, "An operation. Like what mommy is having. But don't worry because she won't be sick anymore when she gets home."

Mere did great today. We made it to Albuquerque by 8pm, amazing how easy car travel is without kids. I had a very comfortable bed in the back of the van and we have tons of supplies thanks to AWESOME friends. We received several care packages from friends with everything from gum to magazines to games to gift cards. We are so blessed. I will say that the sunset as you drive into New Mexico is beautiful. Some other things we saw (or Mere saw and told me to look at)....lots of windmills, cotton fields, 2 people with California plates, the "largest cross in the Western Hemisphere," and the dinosaur museum. We are going to have to come back to New Mexico so Syd can see the dino museum!

This whole thing is still so surreal. Thank you for Mere, my girls, and our wonderful friends and family.

Love Letters

2009-11-26T09:39:00.000-08:00

I was realizing that through all this crazy leaky spine drama I completely forgot to post love letters to my girlies on their birthdays. Syd was 7 on Oct 31st and Layne was 3 on Nov 22! My beautiful, angel girls are growing up fast. Who knew that 2 little packages could bring so much joy? I love that we are a family of 4 "girlies," always so close and connected. I love that my girls love to play with each other.....I'm not looking forward to that changing but I know it probably will. I LOVE that Syd and Layne are so different in every way...night and day, 100%. They are my heart and soul, the reason why life is fun. What did we do before kids?

Sydney....my oldest...my goosey goose. You are so introspective and thoughtful. You love dinosaurs and history and science. You have wanted to be a paleontologist (I had to look up how to spell it) since you were 3 and I think you might actually do it. You are starting to really love reading and are whipping through chapter books at the speed of light. You are such a great big sister. You always look out for Layne. You have been such a great help the last few months, always willing to do anything with a smile. You still love riding horses and have started to excel in gymnastics. You are drop dead gorgeous and have been since the beginning. People have stopped us your entire life to tell us how beautiful you are and you don't even know it (which makes you even more beautiful). You are easy going with such a great heart....nothing really phases you (you must get that from mama). I can still remember the very first time I saw you, I knew you were my daughter, forever and ever. We are connected in a way that transcends everything and everyone. You are a great snuggle bug (space heater) who still keeps me warm all night. I love, love, love you. Happy birthday sweet girl (even if it is a little late). I am so excited to get to keep watching you grow into the amazing woman that you are destined to be!

Laynie Lu Lu.....my baby....my fire cracker. You light up every room with your sparkling eyes, big smile, and crazy curls. You remind us how important it is to live in the moment. You are spontaneous and outgoing and SO FULL OF LIFE. You are so smart and attuned to the world around you....even at 3, nothing gets past you. You love to read and dance and play. You have kept me grounded over the last few months. Reading to you and telling stories from the sofa have made me find joy in the middle of a crisis. The time we have had together over the last few months is priceless and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Everytime I look at you, it takes my breath away. You are stubborn and persistent and passionate (you must get that from me). You throw fits that are impressive! But, you love with just as much gusto. Kisses from you are like little angel kisses. When you smile, everything stops for a minute. You are a mama's girl that is for sure, but I still get my fair share of loving....I just have to work a little harder! Happy birthday Lu Lu. I'm so grateful to be along for the ride.

I love my girlies!!!!!

They Are Here!!!

2009-11-25T09:26:00.000-08:00

Guess what came this morning? A brand new pair of freshly knitted socks. Oh yeah, baby! I have the best MIL ever....eat your hearts out...she is mine!!! When I found out I was having surgery I asked Mere to ask her mom for a new pair of socks for surgery. Less then a week later and they have arrived. I put them on (briefly) to take a pic but I won't wear them again until I get to LA and start all my tests/surgery. They will make me smile, keep me connected, and keep my family with me even when I am alone. A tall order for some socks but if you wore them, you would understand! They really are more than socks.
And...thank you to my SIL, Melissa...this was supposed to be her pair for Christmas. Trust me, giving up a pair of these suckers is a sacrifice.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Hurry Up and Wait

2009-11-24T08:01:00.000-08:00

Ok people, this is torture. Traveling across the country to have major surgery....yes. Leaving the girls for at least 2 weeks...yes. WAITING to leave....yuck!!! Initially, I was spending days on the phone with insurance companies, hotels, hospitals, etc while Mere was putting together lists for my MIL and discussing picks/drop offs with friends. Now, we are done. The car has been tuned up, most of our Christmas shopping (for the girls) is done, I have had my preop appointment, we joined AAA, and we are READY. Now we are just waiting to leave. The days are spent somewhere between reality and a sense of total disbelief. Most of me wants to buckle myself to the sofa and refuse to leave. There are moments when things almost seem normal and in those times I really want to convince myself this is not happening. Anticipation is always the worst part, right?

My mom is coming to our house and cooking Thanksgiving. Obviously, she will need to spent the night Thursday night since we are leaving early Friday morning. So, our last night together will be Wed. I think we will play games or cuddle in bed with a family movie.

So, the schedule (for now)

This Friday: Mere and I hit the road. We are hoping to make it to New Mexico by Friday night. Mere thinks she can do it. I agree. But, I'll be the one on the air mattress in the back so I'm not going to be the decision maker. Anyone have any suggestions for audio books?

Sat-Sun: Continue driving with a plan to get into to LA Sunday night (we might actually make it by Sat night)

Monday: 4:30 pm MRI of the entire spine (supposed to take 3-4 hours). Guess it is a good thing I like the MRI machine (see previous posts)

Tuesday: 2pm appointment with Dr. S (neurosurgeon)

Wed: Check in at 9am for 11am CT myelogram. This is where they put dye in my spine and take pictures. I HATE these and Dr. VH will not be the man doing to sticks. I wish I could take him with me!
Tommie arrives Wed afternoon. She is a good friend of ours that is staying through Tuesday. I can only imagine what she is going to walk into. I'm sure that Mere and I will be buck-ass crazy by Wed afternoon and in need of distraction.

Thurs: Surgery (all day)

After surgery I will have 2-4 days (most likely 4) in the hospital then will be discharged to the hotel. I will have a follow up 1-2 days after discharge. Dr. S will let me know when we are safe to go home at the post op appointment. I don't know the finer details of the surgery and I won't until I actually see Dr. S. It doesn't matter. I don't have any other choices. This is it.

I will be blogging right up until surgery and I'm thinking Mere will blog while I'm in the hospital.

Some random things I don't want to forget:

My dad cried on the phone the other night. I have never heard/seen him cry. EVER. It just about put me over the edge. MY. Dad. Is. Crying....really?? We were talking about details. We all hope that all goes well and I come back healthy. But, not planning for the worst doesn't make it not happen. You can't ignore the possibilities. He was asking me if I had a will and life insurance and plans. Yes, I have a will and yes I have life insurance and yes I have a Power of Attorney and Health Care Proxy (Mere). I was telling him (my mom already knows this) that everything goes to Mere and she is to make ALL medical decisions. Period. We have all the legal documents to back up these decisions. He started to say something and then silence. I thought he dropped the phone and then I realized he was crying. I spent the next few minutes saying, "I'm going to be fine. I'm young. I'm healthy. He is the best. Nothing is going to happen to me. I promise. I will be fine." My poor dad.....I felt terrible. It must be awful to be so far away when your child is going through a health crisis. At least my mom is going to be here with the girls...she will be busy and won't be able to spend a whole lot of time thinking about me. But, there is just not much he can do right now. I promised him that Mere will call him (right after my mom) on the surgery day every time she gets an update and that I would call him as soon as possible.

I had to go to U.AMS for a preop appointment yesterday. Before the appointment I ran up to the Heme/Onc department (where I work) to sign some papers and say hi to one of my close friends. It was strange to be there. It felt like a WORLD away from where I am right now. Who cares about call schedules and presentations? Man....I wish I was there!!

When I get back to 100% Mere and I are getting married. We are getting in the car, heading to Iowa, and getting married. I know it is not legal here and we have been "married" for a long time....since our Civil Union in Vermont. But, I want to do it.

It pays to have friends who love electronics. One friend is letting us take her K.indle, G.PS, i.pod (between her and her wife they have 3), and n.intendo DS (so Mere can play games). Talk about friends in high places!!!

I'm getting a new pair of socks. For those of you who don't know....my MIL makes the most AWESOME knit socks. I mean, they are like one of my favorite things ever. I asked Mere to ask her to knit me a pair for surgery. I think major spine surgery is a good reason for new socks. I know, I'm shameless....what can I say? They are really great socks.

Mere has been making lists like crazy. She is trying so hard to keep it as normal for the girls as possible. The truth is....it is not normal. My mom will not do things the way we do. It will be different. But, that is ok. The girls will be taken care of, loved, clothed, fed, etc....the rest is gravy. I think she is most worried that my mom will mess up the pick up/parking line at their school!

Layne is having a lot of accidents. She has been completely potty trained for awhile with rare accidents. Over the last week, she has been having at least one/day. I think she is a little messed up right now. She woke up last night and told Mere that the monsters were going to get her. I wish we could take her with us. She is so sensitive and little and attached. She might say, "you know, I'm a big girl now" but she is still our little baby.

I'm glad KJ is back. If you don't know her then check out http://www.roleplayingwithkids.blogspot.com

Where the Beautiful People Are

2009-11-19T07:04:00.000-08:00

I'm not really sure how to start this post. We finally have answers and a plan. I'm just don't think I can transfer my fear and anxiety to the page enough to really convey where I am right now. I can usually get rid of some yuckiness here but the yuckiness is really clinging to me today.

First, I'm listening to Black Ey.ed Peas Meet M.e Halfway and loving this song. So, go to itu.nes and get it. "I can't go any further than this.." I don't think it is supposed to make you cry it is more of a dancing song......

This week has brought more questions from the crew at U.AMS. There have been a few plans, none of them have been viable. In the end, the doctors here are dropping like flies. I understand they are frustrated and unsure about what to do next. I have been there. That is when you look for another doctor to take your patient. Feels really shitty when you are the patient. It makes you feel abandoned and hopeless. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE I don't ever want to make someone feel this way. I'm not even sure if I can do the doctor thing after all of this, striking a balance might be impossible. Anyway, I digress. We were waiting, waiting, waiting.

The only disclaimer to the above statements about doctors, is Dr. VH. Seriously, if we ever get pregnant and have a boy, we are naming that kid Rudy (Dr. VH's first name). There are no words to describe what he has been to me through this. Every time I try to thank him, I start crying. A radiologist has taught me to be the kind of doctor that I always wanted to be. He is incredible.

The call came last night (I know they are 2 hrs behind but those LA peeps were working late) from Dr. S's assistant. "Dr. S have reviewed your films and would like to invite you to LA for an appointment." I've been INVITED to the party! At least someone wants me! She proceeded to answer questions and discuss the schedule of events. It didn't take long for me to realize that I'm just one of many that they see like me. There is a protocol for people like me....AWESOME! They aren't thinking about how they are going to treat me, they know how they are going to treat me. This woman's job is to coordinate out of town patients with this disease coming to C.edars Si.nai. She was super nice, calling me Dr. Joheim and being uber careful not to interrupt me. A few times we both started to speak at the same time and she would immediately say, "I'm sorry doctor, you go ahead."
"Uhmm, no YOU go ahead." I felt like I was buying a BMW, not discussing my medical care. Bottom line, she acted like they wanted my business (am I making sense?). Instead of you have NO power or say or anything...we are just doing the best that we can, I got a feeling that they WANTED to take care of me.

Here is part of the conversation.

Her: "We want to you to come on Sunday. Monday will be a MRI complete spine with myelography. That is will take around 3-4 hours. Tuesday will be a CT entire spine with myelography and appt with Dr. S. On Wed or Thurs you will have a surgery."

Me: "Surgery?" This is the part where I quit breathing for just a minute. I knew surgery was probably coming (he is a neurosurgeron) but when she said it I was STILL suprised. Now I know why sometimes you have to tell people their prognosis over and over again. Seriously, I have told you the plan and prognosis 10 times, how can you not know? Here is a newsflash...you can't HEAR it! When it is you, your brain plays tricks on you. It is like the movies where everything is slow motion and you are not there. So that is why you have to repeat yourself time and time again. Was I really that bad of a doctor?

Her: "Yes. A thoracic laminectomy with repair of CSF leaks. You will be in the hospital for 2-4 days. At least some, if not all of that time will be in the ICU. You will need to stay in LA for about a week after the surgery so you can come back for post op follow up."

Me: "What is the success rate, mortality rate, morbidity rate, complications?"

Her: "Dr. S will answer all those questions when he calls you tomorrow (I haven't heard from him yet so don't ask)"

Me: "So my surgery might be on Thanksgiving?"

Her: "Yes, it will probably be on Thanksgiving. Dr. S doesn't take off for holidays."

Me: "Are you fully staffed on Thanksgiving? What about getting all these tests scheduled on a holiday week at the last minute? Won't there be a lot of delays and overbooks?"

Her: "Actually, yes. Most of our staff will be off and it would be a lot better for you to come the following week. I understand there was a delay in us getting back to you (there was??) so Dr. S wanted us to get you in immediately. But if you are willing to wait until Nov 30th that would really be much better."

Me: "Yes. I will wait until Nov 30th."
I want to get this show on the road but I'm not crazy. When I am in the OR with my SPINE exposed I don't want ANYONE thinking about getting home to see their family for Thanksgiving. There is an attitude shift in hospitals over the holidays that does effect patient care. I will argue that point with anyone. It just is. I know. So Dr. S might be 100% there but I highly doubt that everyone around him will be. You know what? I'm glad neurosurgeons make millions of dollars. They should. This is my spine. I am 31. MY spine. I hope Ob.ama doesn't f^&k that up.

We finished up our very long conversation and got off the phone to start planning with Mere. When I said surgery, Mere looked like I punched her in the stomach. I think she would have been a lot happier if I had punched her in the stomach. She is a rock. I KNOW this is harder on her than it is on me. I would much rather go through this then watch her go through it. We are both kind of walking around like deer in the headlights right now. At some point you start to get a little numb, not numb enough. There are a thousand things to do between now and then. My mom is taking the girls. I hate to be away from them so long, especially around the holidays. They have kept us both grounded....what will we do without them? Sometimes I think the only reason the days go on is because of Layne's smile and Syd's funny stories. They have never been away from both of us longer than a few days. I can't even think about it. It hurts my heart.

"God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" I think...............

I REALLY did study

2009-11-15T21:37:00.000-08:00

I have taken so many tests in my life and have studied for 99.9% of them. I have no idea how much of my life I have spent studying for tests, but I'm sure that if all added up, it would be a crazy, unbelievable number. In college, there were often week long study sessions and med school was 2 years of constant studying (the last 2 years was clinical rotations). I remember all of favorite spots. The smoking lounge in my freshman dorm or at my standard issue wooden desk overlooking the alley in the tiny apartment I shared with my sophomore roommate. The kitchen table in the 5 bedroom house I shared with LOTs of people my junior year. My favorite room at the U.AMS library, in the office of our first home before it was converted to a nursery, and then on a folding table in our bedroom. I have missed so many things to study that I couldn't even begin to measure it all. On more than one occasion, I felt like life was just passing me by while I sat glued to a chair and a book. But, somehow I always had one more hour in me. I was always able to rally and get through the next round of exams. I have even managed to make it through all of the really big tests...the MCA.T, the S.tep exams, and the In.ternal Medicine Boards. I always had a choice, I was studying because I wanted to a doctor, pass the boards, get to the next step. The goal was always clear and loud and worth it.

I took a test this weekend and I didn't pass it. I have been preparing for this test 24/7 for the last 7 weeks. Life has DEFINATELY been passing me while I have studied. I haven't cheated or looked for an easy way out...I have just done the deal. I got up (with doctor's permission) on Saturday...nothing major, just sat up and moved around the house. The headaches were at bay for about 3 hours but I didn't have to lay down until about 6 hrs into the day. Today we got up and I went to church with the family!!!! As we sat through the sermon, I knew they were back. The tugging at the back of my neck, the nausea, ears popping, and "drunk" feeling are all pretty familiar. But, still the headache was not overwhelming...just there. We ran by Krog.er (which is sensory overload when you have been cooped up so long) and came home. I still stayed up for another hour or so, helping make lunch and feeling like a normal part of the family for a few minutes. It was amazing to feel that way, to be up and out with the kids, to notice Syd's brow relax a little, and hold Layne's hand while we crossed the street. Finally, I gave in a went back to the sofa. The thing that really sucks is that now it REALLY hurts. This is not over, it is not fixed.

Obviously, there will be more tests this week. The kind you can't study for, the kind that involve needles, and machines, and dye in your spinal column. The kind you don't get sedated for and have yet to produce "good" news. I am tired of being a "good sport." I am tired of not knowing. I am tired of living on blind faith. I am just tired.

Yesterday, Syd was telling me about something that had happened and she said, "it was before you got sick." Layne wanted Mere to buy me a pillow at Target the other day. My girls are starting to see me as someone who is sick. Not the person who is going to take care of them but the person they are taking care of now.

I'm really tired and emotional and I want to suck right now. So I am wrapping up this pity party and going to bed.

Keep on patching!!

2009-11-11T08:16:00.000-08:00

Since the last blood patch things have been better. I get longer periods of time being up without pain. What I really want to do it push it as far as I can and see how bad the headache gets. Unfortunately, my doctors (and Mere) keep reminding me that is not good for healing. It is getting harder and harder to tell if the headache is spinal or secondary to the blood patch. After talking to Dr. VH I found out this is good. The blood that they put in my neck is an irritant and my spinal cord should be compressed (just a little) which will cause some pain. Hopefully, this means the dura is healing. The overall idea is that the blood clot irritates the dura and encourages healing. The result is that I have mild headaches and neck pain most of the time, making it harder to interpret what is really happening!! The big picture: I feel better since the last patch and am really hopeful. This time last week things were looking so much yuckier.

The good news is that we have a plan (more on that in a minute) and I feel better. The bad news is that I'm still on bed rest and driving is still off limits. Now for the plan:

--Tomorrow morning I'm getting another cervical blood patch, this time they are going to aim towards the left side. It will be followed by 24 hours of not flexing my neck and staying in bed except for bathroom breaks. Then some more bed rest like what I'm used to (showering, getting up for little bits of time, etc) for a week.

--If the next blood patch doesn't work, then another myelogram to assess the anterior tears (the tears are anterior and posterior). That will be followed by some anterior blood patches where they actually go through my spinal column to get to the anterior position. I have to admit that sounds a little scary but not as scary as surgery.

--If that does not work, then we do fibrin glue injections. We are all still not 100% sure how this will work. We are hoping that the surgeon in LA will do some consultations over the phone.

--If after all of the above the headaches aren't better, then they are going to shoot me. Seriously, at this point we will go to LA for surgery.

Regardless of where I am, I am hoping to go back to work in December on very light duty. Truthfully, I'm hoping this patch works and I can go back to full duty in December. Right now the question is can I take a Thanksgiving call at the VA? Dr. VH's initial reaction was probably not. But, then I explained that it is only rounding (2-3 hrs or so) and no beeper call at night or after I leave the hospital so I could come home and rest all day. He wants me to wait and see how this patch works and reassess on Monday but even if I'm not 100% better he is not ruling out the possibility of letting me test drive my patches over Thanksgiving, Am I excited about the potential of being on call? YES. Does that make me question my sanity? Hell, yes.

Things I'm going to do when I get better:

--Go back to work. I miss working. Weird.
--Get more patients recruited for my study (I was procrastinating on this before I got leaky)
--Dance more. I even have this delusional idea of maybe taking a ballroom dancing class. I'm thinking that will pass when D.ancing with the Stars is done.
--Ride bikes with the family (even if it is to cold)
--Run (if I can). If not, then spin!
--Moonlight less (this one will be hard) so I can give some time to the free clinic that I have been credentialed at for a year but have yet to work one shift.
--Go grocery shopping. Mere said that most the of K.rogers they have been remodeling are done. I'm not sure why I'm excited to see the remodels but I am.
--Cook. Anything.
--Go to a game and watch Syd cheer!!
--DRIVE. By myself. Windows down, radio up.
--Get a little more involved in our church. Maybe go back to doing some volunteering at community breakfast. This ties into the whole moonlight less idea.
--Did I mention dancing?

And, you are?

2009-11-07T13:53:00.000-08:00

This update will be brief because I am laying flat with a neck brace which doesn't make for the easiest typing. This time around I really am 100% confined to the bed for 24-48 hours. Mere has been great, she is constantly checking on me and being super sweet. The girls are popping there heads in occasionally but are mostly keeping themselves entertained. Every time the come near me, Mere says, "be careful, be gentle, be still." I think poor Layne is afraid to move around me. Yesterday I had terrible nausea but today I feel much better.

We checked in yesterday at 7am ready to go. After some confusion (which is now expected) they got me settled into a room. The nurse was so sweet. It took her awhile to get an IV and she was obviously stressed out about it. At this point in the game, IV sticks are nothing. She eventually got it and they started to fluids. We also had to go through the whole are you pregnant stuff. No, I am not. How do I know? I'm a lesbian. Yes, I will sign a waiver. I'm not complaining everyone is just doing their job. It is like the movie Groundhog Day, the same conversations every time. In the middle of all the preparations a resident walked into the room. She didn't look at me (or Mere or the nurse), she didn't say who she was with, she just walked over to my chart and grabbed a sticker. Then she said something about marking me. That's when I said, "who are you with?" "I'm with vascular surgery." Oops! I think you are in the wrong room. Through this whole interaction she still never looked at me. I know she was busy checking off things to do in her head, taking time to pay attention to her surroundings was not important.

A few minutes later one of the interventional neuroradiology nurses came to get me. I can't remember his name but he was really cute. He took me back to the previously mentioned scary room with LOTS of equipment. It wasn't so scary this time. They got me on the table (face down) with my gown wide open in the back. It was FREEZING in the room. The heart monitor kept showing V tach (a bad rhythm that results in people getting shocked) because I was shivering. I made the nurse promise not to shock me! While I was on the table, multiple people came in to talk to me. Some of them I had seen before and others I didn't recognize. NONE of them introduced themselves. The doctoring lesson for the day: ALWAYS introduce yourself and say who you are with. This is basic 1st year medical school stuff that I have NOT done a million times. You get busy and in your head and you just forget. Who knew it was so important?

Dr. E (the interventional neuroradiologist who is HANDSOME) came in the room and started draping me. The drape was over my head but I didn't care......I had fentanyl and versed on board....bring it! The procedure went well. Sedation helps so much. After a brief time in recovery I was released home. I spent the day half awake in bed trying not to vomit. Dr. VH (my person hero) called later in the day. He told me that the procedure went well and he felt really optimistic. He thinks I might have to have a few more blood patches and will continue bed rest for awhile. BUT, he was hopeful. Yeah!!!!!!

I won't know if it worked until I can get up for awhile. I'm told I get to shower tomorrow so that will be a test drive. Thanks for all the prayers, kind words, and awesome vibes.

Update (a LONG one)

2009-11-05T12:36:00.000-08:00

As I write this update I am alone on the sofa, listening to Michael Jackson, and feeling kinda good. That could change in a minute...who knows? But right now I am peaceful and hopeful. At least for the next few hours I'm untouchable (or at least that is what I tell myself). Before she left, Mere said, "put an update on your blog and put it ALL there so we won't forget this." Hmmm. Hefty assignment. The last few weeks (and especially days) have been a roller coaster filled with fear, love, gratitude, more fear, and more faith than I thought possible. I have become raw and tearful. I cry all the time now....happy, sad, scared, grateful...it doesn't matter they are all met with tears. I never know when I'm going to spring a leak (pun intended).

God, I love Michael Jackson.....I'm going to do so much dancing when this is over!!!

So, the last blood patch didn't do anything. No help at all. The MRI wasn't particularly helpful. On Oct 29th my vacation/sick time ran out and as a fellow we don't have short term disability. Things were looking grim. Mere and I were fighting, mostly because I was attempting to make everyone around me as miserable as I had become. Thankfully, a friend told me to quit feeling sorry for myself and start looking for solutions. Up to this point I just kept thinking that my doctors would figure this out and that the end was just around the corner. I didn't want to be one of those crazy, internet obsessed patients who always thinks that go.ogle is the answer to everything. I ended up on Pub.Med doing searches for intracranial hypotension. I scanned all of the publications for the name that appeared the most. There were 2, a neurosurgeon at Ced.ars S.inai in LA and a neurologist at the M.ayo Clinic in Minnesota. I found a message board with a lot of people who had great things to say about Dr. S in LA. Sunday night I emailed Dr. S and I drafted and email to my team of doctors at U.AMS (my primary care doctor, the anethesiologist, the neuroradiologist, and the neurologist) asking them to all sit down together, discuss my case, and come up with a plan. By 1pm the next day, Dr. S's nurse at Ced.ars S.inai called me and told me what information they needed and how to get it to him. Dr. S had also responded to my personal email and mentioned doing a subtraction myelogram (something no one here had done or mentioned). I called Dr. VH (neuroradiologist) and asked him about the subtraction myelogram. Being the awesome doctor that he is, he started to investigate the possibility immediately. They weren't done at U.AMS but he thought he might be able to do it. He also told me that everyone was meeting the next day to discuss my case.

By 2pm the next day my PCP (and good friend) called to tell me the results of the meeting that all my doctors had earlier that morning. The news was mixed. I could hear the fear and hesitation in her voice. I guess that is the only downside of being good friends with your doctor. She said, "I'm going to level with you." Uhmmm....OK. The key was still in localizing the leak. Dr. VH had devised a plan to do a subtraction myelogram the following morning. The main issue with the subtraction myelogram is that it only visualizes the cervical spine. If it was positive, then we would have some direction, but a negative test would still leave us with more questions then answers. She said, "if the leak is cervical we can try one more blood patch, then surgery. The surgery would be no walk in the park, but it is do-able. We will have to discuss it with the neurosurgeon at U.AMS but they can probably do it here. If you want to go to LA, then we will refer you there and you can have it there. Whatever you want." OK. Then the bomb. She said, "if the leak is thoracic, then this is major. The surgery has a 20-30% mortality rate, the recovery is long, and it can't be done here. They will have to collapse your lungs, you will be in intensive care for a few days, and you might not survive it. It is a big deal. Jessica, listen to me. You have to stay strong, healthy, and together. You have to sleep. You have to eat healthy. I'm going to be with you through this but you cannot fall apart, you just can't. You can't get depressed. You have to be strong. You can't get depressed. We need to keep your immune system in check. I will be with you every step of the way." We talked for a few more minutes and I was given instructions on where to be the next day for the subtraction myelogram.

Thankfully, Mere and T (a very close friend and advisor) were here when she called. I don't entirely remember the conversation that followed. Needless to say, we were all in shock (at least I was). I wanted to disappear, which is what I always want to do in times of stress. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and go into complete shutdown mode. I wanted to drink (a lot), take as many pills as I could find, and sleep for as long as I could. We didn't sign up for this. When this started I was just worried about the financial implications of being out of commission for a month. Now we were talking major surgery in another city with a high mortality rate. What!!!???? About a hour later, the neurologist called. He went on to tell me that if I was his daughter he would try to do everything to avoid surgery if the tear was thoracic. One option (he said) was to put a shunt in my back and drain the CSF (to give the dura time to heal) while I was on 100% complete bed rest (like foley catheter, sponge bath kind of bed rest). Of course, I would need heavy painkillers because the low pressure caused by the CSF shunt would be very painful. Oh yeah, the bed rest could be several months in duration. Talk about options! Risky surgery vs painful, strict bed rest. I'm thinking after a few weeks of that kind of bed rest I would be ready to take a gun to my head, if Mere didn't beat me to it! Ughhh! That was a long day (night). That night there were some very tender moments with Mere and T that will forever be etched in my heart. It is rare to get to a place where there are ZERO walls between people and I'm not sure I've had ever been there before that night. It makes you feel scared and naked and raw. But, I also felt so safe and loved. I have never asked anyone to pray with me, that night I did. I wanted to disappear, but the people I love wouldn't let me. They kept me here, grounded, and grateful.

The next morning we were up bright and early at U.AMS. I walked into the room (my first time in THIS procedure room) and there were huge machines everywhere. Of course, I started crying immediately because that is what I do now. Not to mention there were at least 20 people in the room (a lot of them doctors) and nervous energy. You never want to be the patient that doctors from the entire department come to see. You don't want to be the recipient of a novel technique or "cool" new therapy. These are not the ways in which one wants to get attention. Dr. VH walked into the room and a huge wave of relief washed over me. I'm telling you, when this is over I am going to do something so special for him (if you have any great ideas, let me know). Dr. VH put me in a totally crazy position on the table (face down, neck flexed, arms up) and injected dye into my spinal cord (at the level of my neck just below my ear). Then machines were circling around me for about 20 minutes. Then I was allowed to roll over on my back and "relax" while they all looked at the images. What do you think I did? Yep, just cried and cried. I wasn't in any pain. Actually, the neck stick was WAY better then being stuck in the back which I would have NEVER believed. One of the residents walked over and I asked, "did you find it?" She said, "I think so, but don't get excited yet." A few minutes later, Dr. VH came over and said that he felt like it was in C6/C7/T1/T2 but that he would need at least a day to reconstruct all the images to be sure.

They released me home back to my couch to wait. In the meantime, Dr. S's nurse from LA called to let me know they had received my films (I am still waiting to hear more from him). I got a call about 1pm today from Dr. VH that he felt pretty certain we were looking at multiple tears in C6/C7/T1, anterior and posterior. He has talked to the interventional neuroradiologist and the plan is for an anterior cervical blood patch. So, at 7am tomorrow I get a new procedure and a new doctor. This time I will be sedated (there is always something to be grateful for). Dr. VH is collecting all of the images from the subtraction myelogram so we can get them to LA ASAP.

I am learning that asking about the next step rarely produces concrete answers. If this doesn't work (and it will take a few days to know if it will work), then we will likely end up in LA. But, NOTHING is set in stone right now. I don't know what is coming next. When you think about it, none of us really knows....we just think we do.

There are so many things I am learning. I know that we have the best friends/family in the world (yes, I'm sure you do to). We have had meals here every night this week, the phone is always ringing, and the girls have a wealth of places to go while we are at the hospital. The most amazing thing? We don't even have to ask. It's just done. It just is.

Mere and I are closer by the minute. I have always known she is my soulmate but her strength and beauty through all of this makes me fall in love with her over and over and over again. We have held each other, cried, laughed, screamed, and everything in between. The point is that we are always safe with each other. At the end of the day, she is who I want when I wake up and there has been a lot of waking up over the last year. When she is here, it is ok. No one deserves what we have, we are just so lucky.

I am so grateful for my girls. They just make it all good. How bad can a day really be when Laynie smiles at you? Just before this happened Syd had started sleeping in her own bed. Suprise! She is back in our bed. She sleeps curled up next to me all night and keeps me warm and happy. There is no other place I would rather be. Layne is always asking me if I feel better. We have had time together that we never would have had. Hours on the sofa reading books and telling stories.

I've never thought of myself as a very spiritual or religious person but that is changing fast. I pray all the time. When I am all alone....I'm not. I believe there is something bigger than me at work here and I have to trust in it. Before any of this happened I had memorized a few prayers (at the suggestion of T). At the time I thought it was kind of stupid. I am so thankful to have memorized them. They carry me through every procedure and test and moment of fear and doubt. They soothe me and comfort me in a way that I can't describe.

I'm not sure what is coming next but I know it is going to be ok. Whatever the outcome, it will be fine.

MRI or meditation machine??

2009-10-28T20:15:00.000-07:00

So, at the end of the two weeks I was treated to another myelogram. This time Dr.VH wanted to inject the dye and get me to the scanner ASAP in hopes of better localizing the leak. The plan (funny, that word) was that we would do the myelogram and then Dr. VH would talk to Dr. G and then I would be off for blood patch #2. Bright and early Monday morning there we were....waiting. After about a hour I was finally all prepped and ready to get going. Dr. VH said, "before I stick you I want to run to the CT scanner and make sure that they have it open and ready because we are going to rush you over there." He came back a few minutes later and informed us that the scan had not been pre authorized by insurance and so I didn't even have a requisition number, they couldn't scan, etc. Shocking! Something went wrong, I don't believe it! After another hour of waiting and calls to my PCP (who has to order all this stuff and deal with the pre authorizations) I was back on the table in starting position. This myelogram was the easiest yet. Minimal pain and FAST. Off to the CT scanner.

The results? Still leaking. Better than before but still a lot of leaking. Dr. VH said he needed to go sit and reconstruct some images to try and get a better idea of where it was coming from. I was wheeled to recovery and then wheeled to preop where they started to prep me for the blood patch. IV fluids? check. Consent signed? check. Hospital gown? check. Dr. G ready? check. Then the call came from Dr. VH. His words? "I'm confused." Not something you want to hear the neuroradiologist say. Dr. VH didn't feel like he could tell them where to put the patch and felt like a spine MRI was in order before putting me through any additional procedures. They scheduled me for the MRI the following day.

I have decided, I like the MRI. There is just something about all that noise that sort of hypnotizes me. I get a lot of good praying, day dreaming, and general zen like feelings in that scanner. There wasn't even a hint of anxiety this time.....I'm an old pro! I was in the scanner for about 1 1/2 hours. Seriously, by the time I came out I felt like I had been at a retreat. Refreshed and kinda clear. See, NOTHING can get you in the MRI. It is just you and the machine. In those minutes it is really like the world stops. Ok...well...I digress.

Out of the scanner and back with Dr. VH. The news? UGhhhhhh!! Still doesn't know where the leak is coming from. He knows a few things...it is likely a large tear.....when he can localize it someone will be able to fix it....we are all so frustrated. Now we are on plan D, blood patch from C6-T4 tomorrow, followed by bedrest and a repeat myelogram on Tuesday. After that? Not sure. We are definately on a day by day plan here.

The Other Side, part 3

2009-10-28T16:07:00.001-07:00

I'm starting to think this is going to be a million part story. But, I really want to capture this whole event so I can go back to it years from now when things seem bad.

The weekend came and went. Unfortunately, Mere had her embryo transfer on Friday afternoon leaving us both on bed rest for 48 hours. Fortunately, we are blessed with an incredible network of friends and family who stepped up and took care of the girls (and us). It really is amazing how many people come out of the woodwork when the going gets rough. It made us both realize that we are at home here, this is where we belong, these are OUR people.

Monday morning came and we were back at the med center. Before they started a woman came in the room and said, "I need you to sign this paper saying that you will pay for this procedure if your insurance doesn't because we don't have preapproval on this yet." I said, "NO!" and she left. This time, Dr. VH did the stick and it was 100 million times BETTER. In fact, the stick wasn't even painful. When he ran the dye up my spine that hurt, a lot. But, it was fast and I knew it was coming. They got me through the scanner and into recovery. While I was laying there, my phone rang, it was Dr. H's office (the previously mentioned neurologist). The person on the other end was calling to inform me that insurance had approved the CT of the spine but not the brain, blah, blah, blah, blah...so on and so forth. Basically, I told her that we would have to deal with it later and that they were repeating this whole mess because Dr. H had messed up in the first place. Luckily, Dr. VH heard about all of this and put an abrupt end to it...no charge...leave her (me) alone. We were thinking that we would be there all day again for multiple scans, but no so. Dr. VH came into the room with the characteristic, "I have good news and bad news. The leak is really big. I can't tell exactly where it is but I think I can get them to the right region." Ohhhh, ok.

After a few phone calls and some more discussion the anethesiology resident showed up in recovery. She was working with Dr. G (anethesiologist) and he was going to do a blood patch. Dr. G and Dr. VH spoke and decided to put the patch in the region of T3-T7. Off to the procedure room we went. Again, I was face down on the fluoro table while Dr. G (well, his resident) guided the needle into my spine. They hit a nerve, I jumped, and they had to pull out and start at a lower position. Once they got the spot and threaded the catheter up my spine, the nurse went to draw blood from my hand. "Are you a hard stick?" she asked. "No," I said. Ok, well, at least I never knew I was a hard stick until that moment. So, I'm on my stomach with a needle in my back and my hand hanging off the table. 3 sticks with an 18 gauge needle later, they got blood. Dr. G slowly put the blood into my spinal column (a blood patch) and told me to tell him when the pressure became pain. After about 18cc's of blood, it became painful. They pulled out the needles and let me sit up, slowly. The difference was amazing. There was still some pain, but NOTHING like what I had been feeling. I could move my neck around without pain and I could sit up without feeling like my head was going to explode. No nausea, no ringing in my ears, yeah!!!! They watched me in recovery for awhile and sent me home with instructions for "taking it easy" for a few days. I went home that night and stuck mostly to the sofa. The next day, I took a shower, a LONG one. By the time I was dressed, the headache and nausea were back, so was the fear. Long story short, I was put back on strict bedrest for 2 weeks.

The Other side, part 2

2009-10-22T12:56:00.000-07:00

The next morning we were up and out, checked in at UAMS at 8am. Of course, when I got there, they had NO idea I was supposed to be there or what to do with me. I was warned that this would be the case since this had all been scheduled late the previous day. Luckily, they let me lay down while they figured it all out and got things moving. There was a lot of waiting and being wheeled from room to room. Again, I couldn't help note how scary this would be to the average patient......big, loud machines (which I have seen before) and a host of confused people.

Eventually, they figured everything out and got me prepped and ready for the myelogram. During a typical myelogram the patient lays face down while the neuroradiologist uses fluoroscopy to guide him in doing a lumbar puncture (spinal tap). Once in the correct space, he/she injects contrast dye into the spinal column, tilts the table up so that you are almost on your head (to move the dye around your spinal cord), and then puts you in the CT scanner to localize where the contrast is leaking out and find the defect. For reasons that are still unclear to all involved, Dr. H (the head of neurology and previously mentioned poor bedside manner physician) wanted to do the "stick." Instead of laying on my stomach and using fluoroscopy guidance, he wanted to do the traditional ("old school") blind stick. I would have really rather have had the neuroradiologist do it, but I didn't feel like I had a choice. No one asked me what I wanted and I certainly didn't assert myself because I didn't want to piss off anyone in charge of my care (i.e. aforementioned neurologist). It had been made clear to me by everyone involved that my case was very rare and Dr. H was the only physician around with any experience involving IIH (idiopathic intracranial hypotension). So, I just shut up and let him do the procedure. Again, I couldn't help but think about how ME, a doctor at U.AMS, didn't feel like I had any say in my healthcare. Imagine how many things are done to patients without their real consent or true knowledge of why/what is happening. Scary and ironic all at the same time. Dr. H comes storming into the room, admonishing Dr. VH because he got lost getting to the procedure room and "wasted his time." He came over to me, put me in the fetal position (which was 100x's more painful then laying on my stomach) and started feeling around my back. First, he numbed the space (bee sting my ass) and then he put the bigger needle in and started to withdraw fluid. All at once I felt hot and nauseated and was fighting the urge to pass out when he moved the needle again and OMG! Talk about pain! Sharp, shooting down my right leg and in my groin. I really thought I was going to be sick because the pain was so overwhelming. Then, they injected the dye. This time I screamed and jumped off of the table. It seemed like a bullet in my spine and an electric shock down both legs. It was sudden, sharp, searing, unexpected, and TERRIBLE. Luckily, Dr. VH took pity on me and essentially took over the procedure. After bringing me nothing but pain, Dr. H left and it was just us (Dr. VH, his nurse, and me). I rolled over and looked up at Dr. VH and he said, "just remember, I'm not the one who stuck you." This made us all laugh a little. Later I was told that the needle has been put in the wrong space and the dye had been injected into the wrong space. This resulted in the lower part of my spinal cord getting "lit up" and was the cause of a lot of pain. I also learned that Dr. H "skewered" my pudendal nerve, which caused considerable leg and groin pain for about a week. If you look up what the pudendal nerve innervates, it might make you squirm a little.

They wheeled me out of the room and into the CT scanner and then off to recovery to wait. The original plan was that they would scan my head and entire spine every 2 hours for 6-8 hours in hopes of finding the leak. Apparently, these leaks can be very tricky and Dr. VH said he had never found the leak with just one scan. After getting settled in recovery, Dr. VH came walking in, "I have good news and bad news." Shit. I knew I wasn't supposed to be seeing him so soon. Besides, didn't we have many more scans to do before the day was over? He continued, "Dr. H stuck you so many times and put so many holes in your dura that I can't see where the the leak is because the contrast dye is leaking through the holes he placed. So, we are going to have to do this all over again on Monday." The good news? "You get to go home." Oh, ok. On bedrest for the weekend and then we get to do it all over again. Of course I said, "next time you do all the sticking, right?"

Everyone kept saying, "aren't you mad??? I'd be furious." Luckily, Dr. VH paused after he said, "I have good news and bad news." In that brief pause, I had enough time to think of all the potential "bad" news that could be on the way. Trust me, doing it again was a picnic compared to the things I was imagining.

I could point out the 10 billion times throughout this encounter that I was thinking of my patients and taking mental notes. When you are the one on the gurney you hear and see everything. The smallest things can make you comfortable and happy vs nervous and scared. The reality? It doesn't take much to tip the scale one way or another. These are the things I have to take home and remember when I am tired, frustrated, or hurried. My role as a physician puts me in a place to have a dramatic impact on a patient (regardless of the healthcare being administered). Just being human, taking time, smiling...these are the things that make the big difference. There are a lot of people that can give the right chemotherapy or order the right tests, that is not what makes the difference. That is not what makes a good doctor. I hope I never forget this.

The Other Side, part 1

2009-10-19T11:51:00.000-07:00

This is the first of several posts surrounding our newest adventure. They call it "spontaneous intracranial hypotension." Yep, that is exactly what I said.

How many MRIs, CT scans, invasive procedures, and other things have I ordered in my short career as a doctor? To many to count! Did I ever really understand how terrifying some of these seemingly simple studies are to the patient? Absolutely not. Do I get it now? More, but I also fully realize that I will never be able to understand how scary it would all be from the point of view of someone who knows nothing about medicine. Tack that on top of being at a University Hospital with students, residents, fellows, attendings, and a way of doing things that can only be described as confusing (and I've been in this system for 8 1/2 years). I know I will never REALLY know what it is like to be a patient who naive to all things medical but after the last few weeks I at least have an idea.

The headaches started slowly. They were different than any headache I had ever experienced (I don't usually have a lot of headaches and have no history of migraines, etc) which seemed a little strange. It started on a Monday. They were not that bad, just a little distracting. In describing them to my coworker I said, "it feels like the pressure is off in my head." The headaches were made worse when flexed my neck and they got worse as the day progressed. Interestingly, they went away after laying flat for about 30 minutes. I took I.buprofen, sinus medicine (even though I had no sinus symptoms), and tried to drink a lot of water. I had started a new diet so I thought that might be the culprit. As the week progressed, the headaches became worse. By Sunday, I was in pain. If I stood up, I hurt. If I was laying down, much better. Each day was like a ticking time bomb, I knew I only had so much time before I was going to have a lot of pain. I was barely making it through the day and was going to bed as soon as I hit the door. It was almost like my body was FORCING me to put my head down, it was the ONLY way to make the pain bearable. I had been talking to my PCP through all of this and had one trip to the ER in the middle of it all. Everyone was thinking spinal headaches without the usual preceding trauma (which is rare, but happens). By the following Wed my PCP had an appointment for me with a Neurologist. By the time I made it to his office, the pain was overwhelming. It was searing and felt like lightening through my neck and the back of my head. I was ready to jump off a building, I was hurting. I had been up all morning and was just barely making it by the time I got to the appointment. Thankfully, the woman at the front desk took mercy on me and let me go directly to the exam room and recline. The rest was kind of a blur. The neurologist came in and started examining me. He was rough and had a terrible bedside manner, none of which suprised me since I have known him since medical school (and NEVER liked him). But, he is good (smart) and the head of the department AND he was in my room immediately. Unfortunately, I couldn't quit crying. I was scared and in pain and my medical care was now in the hands of a man I never liked. It was one of those situations where you just can't stop crying, even though you really want to! I wanted to say, "I'm not one of those hysterical crazy women, something is really wrong here!"

After about a hour of questions and physical exam he says, "something is really wrong here. Either you have a tumor or a spinal leak. Are you here alone?" I was there alone because I had gone to work that day and had told Mere to stay home until I found out more, a decision I was regretting. I said, "Yes, but I can have someone here right away." "Your husband?" he asked. "Sure," was all I could manage. Then he said, "we are doing an urgent MRI of your brain. If there is no mass and signs of a leak then we will do a myelogram and then a blood patch or maybe surgery." Me, "how long am I going to be down?" Him, "no matter what this turns out to be, you are down for awhile." At this point in time, I was just to scared to ask anymore questions. Not to mention, I was still in a considerable amount of pain. Of course, my pager had been going off throughout my appointment (because that is just my luck). I called the chief fellow and tried to tell her what was going on and pass off my consults to her (bless her heart, I was crying so hard she could barely understand me).

Off to MRI we went. Now, I know how hard it is to get an urgent MRI. I know the buzz words that you have to use to make things happen so fast. I also know that none of them are good. After they got me settled in the hall on a gurney, it was time to wait. Mere was waiting for my mom to drive from Conway to watch Layne and then she would be there. After about 30 minutes, they moved me to another gurney and then the MRI. Now, I knew that some people got claustrophobic with MRIs and I knew that they were loud. However, I wasn't expecting to have my head put in a brace, earbuds shoved into my ears, and be in a tube with less than an inch around me in any given direction. The tech said as I went in, "it's gonna be loud, whatever you do, don't move. About 1/2 through the scan we are going to pull you out, start and IV, and give you some contrast dye then we will put you back in the scanner." Uhmm...ok. As I started to go into the scanner I could feel my heart speeding up and anxiety coming over me. For a brief moment I didn't think I could do it. Luckily, something (the cozmos, God, whatever) just came over me and I thought, I can relax and do this the easy way or I can totally freak out and delay this process. I shut my eyes and retreated into my own little world. While I was in the machine I couldn't help but wonder if we were going to be dealing with a tumor. It was scary. But, for the time being it was just me and the machine. No one could get to me, talk to me, or call me...I relaxed. I started to think of how patients must feel when they are getting scanned. Big, loud, cold machines and the ability to see all the bad stuff (like cancer) that can be hiding in our bodies. I was thinking of the woman with breast cancer and new onset back pain who gets put through the scanner looking for spinal mets. The young guy with melanoma and new headaches looking for brain mets. How terrified those people must be!

They pulled me out and tried to send me home. Nope, I knew I was supposed to wait to Dr. VH (the neuroradiologist). This was the first of many times that no one really knew where I was supposed to be, luckily, I did, but I fully realize that the average patient would have no clue. Phone calls were made and a few minutes later, he came around the corner. Dr. VH (we had never met before) came up to the gurney and said, "you definately have all the signs of a csf leak and low pressure. Now, we just have to find the leak." Thank God! No tumor. We talked for a few minutes and decided that since it was 4:30 in the afternoon that we would wait until the morning to start the process of finding the leak. I was given the option to be admitted but mostly just wanted to get to my bed, so they discharged me home with instructions to return the next day at 8am.

Life Lessons on a Bike

2009-08-22T14:40:00.000-07:00

Today we all went on a family bike ride. Syd is really getting good at riding without her training wheels, which makes the rides SO MUCH MORE enjoyable then they used to be! As we were riding along the river today, I realized that much of what I was saying to Syd applies to life.

1. Always keep both hands on the handlebars.

2. Look straight ahead, don't look behind or worry about the next hill. Concentrate on what is right in front of you.

3. Sometimes it is better to coast instead of peddle.

4. Faster is not always better.

5. Wear your helmet, it hurts less when you get knocked down (or run into a pole)!

6. When you fall, get right back up and on the bike.

7. Move over when other bikers want to pass you.

8. Pay attention.

9. Sometimes the wind in your hair is reward enough.

10. Relax, have fun, and stay calm if you feel like you are going to lose control.

Strange

2009-07-26T16:08:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I did a few shifts at an ER that I had not worked at in over a year. When I arrived on the first day, I noticed that the clerk had lost a considerable amount of weight since the last time I had seen her (~80 lbs).
Here is how our conversation went,

Me: "You look great! What did you do to lose all that weight."
She looks around sheepishly
One of the nurses, "tell her the truth"
Her, "I binge and purge"
Me, "No really, did you have weight loss surgery?"
Her: "No, I binge and purge"
Me not knowing what to say next, walked away to see a patient
A few minutes later, the said clerk went to get some food. She returned with a big (party size) bag of chips and a container of french onion dip. The nurse sitting next to me said, "she will sit there all day and then go throw it all up"

I was still a little suprised by the entire situation and thought maybe everyone was just being dramatic. But, sure enough I watched this poor girl eat ALL DAY LONG....constantly going to get more food and then off to the bathroom. It was the strangest thing I have seen in awhile.

And....all the nurses, techs, and NPs KNEW what was happening. This girl was completely open about it. The whole experience was sureal. I just felt terrible for this girl. Really, you could tell that her day revolved around food as an obsession/compulsion. I finally asked one of the nurses if anyone had really sat down with her and talked to her about the terrible consequences of her disease. The response? "We have all tried but she just doesn't seem to care."

I still can't get over it. The poor, poor girl!

The Baby Bug?

2009-07-04T11:00:00.000-07:00

Ok. I keep coming back to this. The baby thing. We are getting close to ramping up for our next (and last) IVF cycle. September is go time. Ahhh...the fridge will be filled with meds and our counters will have sharps containers just like the good ol' days. I'm excited and nervous and happy that I won't be the pin cushion this time. I know that Mere will be much better at this IVF stuff.

I really think I'm ok if we don't get blessed with another baby........but then I see a baby and......

But, I don't miss the sleepless nights and now Layne is getting out of diapers so our baby days could be behind us. That definately has its perks. And, with just 2 kids we would have more money and NEVER be out numbered. When it really comes down to it I want one more. Just one more, P-L-EASE!!!

The bottom line? I don't get to choose. It will happen or it won't. Either way, we are lucky.

Nothing Much

2009-07-03T19:14:00.000-07:00

I sit here trying to come up with something to blog about but I don't have any real cohesive ideas so I guess this will be a random thoughts kind of a post.

--I can't believe that Layne is almost potty trained. She just decided it was time and did it. No big deal, no fanfare, nothing. Just one day diapers and one day none. Even poopy on the potty! I'm pretty sure she is a genius.

--Syd will ride her bike without training wheels by the end of the week. I might have to get a little mommy dear-est about this....but I will. The deal I made with Mere? She teaches how to ride bikes and drive cars and I will do prom dresses, wedding planning, and other fun stuff.

--Someone just checked into the ER for right thumb nail pain with no known injury. Yes, I'm serious.

--I'm gaining weight. 10lbs since this time last year. This is not good. Not good at all. What am I doing to change this? Uhmmm......I'm hoping that God will strike me thin.

--I can't believe I am done with my 1st year of fellowship. Only 2 more years and I am TOTALLY done. This is VERY, VERY scary. I have a lot to learn in the next 2 years. Oh shit, I'm scared.

--I'm getting tired of the ER. Like, seriously super tired of it. I think change is on the horizon....more on that later (don't want to jinx anything).

OK....I have to go take care of the fingernail pain. Saving lives and taking names!!!!

Republican !?!??

2009-06-17T18:58:00.000-07:00

Ok. I think I'm done. I think I'm going to have to be a Republican. If I'm not going to have rights, then I might as well keep my money.

This man that I helped elect......what has he done for me?

Higher taxes? check

Trying to cut healthcare spending (read: less reimbursement for doctors)? check

Equal rights for my family? Any rights for my family? BIG FAT NO!!!!!!

Have you read the brief that Obama ordered the Justice Department to write in defense of DOMA? It is really something else. Among other things, DOMA is praised as a good law because it saves the federal government money by not paying out marriage benefits to same sex couples. One part of the brief reads,

“DOMA ensures that evolving understandings of the institution of marriage at the State level do not place greater financial and administrative obligations on federal and state benefits programs. Preserving scarce government resources—and deciding to extend benefits incrementally—are well-recognized legitimate interests under rational-basis review.”

So, by denying me rights the government is saving money. Wanna pass some of that savings on to me??

It goes on and on........the end result? Another politician who changes their tune once in office. This time it is just extra insulting given the fact that Obama has spoken out against DOMA for years.

I can think of a lot of ways to save the federal government money and not one of them involves discrimination. I get to see people abusing the system day in and day out.....who is paying for this? I am! We are! But, we sure don't want to be a drain on the federal government's resources. It is ok to collect disability payments and suck up medicaid benefits WHILE abusing drugs and working the system......but PLEASE don't let me get married because this might tax our resources!!!

I think I have crossed over.........

Really??

2009-05-24T21:16:00.000-07:00

I remember the second she was born knowing that all was right in this world. How could anyone be more perfect? How could anyone question the existence of God when something this amazing can happen? She was/is a miracle (and so is her sister) from the start. I can vividly remember the second she came out of Mere's stomach, so how is it that she is done with first grade? If my memory is so clear, then how could so much time have passed?

At the end of first grade I find myself with a little girl who is rapidly maturing into what will one day be a unique, loving, smart, beautiful woman. She is reading chapter books ALL BY HERSELF and moving through them at the speed of light. She has strong legs from riding and strong arms from swimming. She loves her sister. She is her own mix of girlie girl and tomboy, spending hours playing dinosaurs while wearing her pink dress up outfit. She is patient, insightful, thoughtful, sensitive, and loving. I can't believe we have a second grader. The time is flying......I just want to soak up as much of it as I can.

Wanna know what is even crazier? Layne starts the two and a half class in the fall........

The Grass Is ALWAYS Greener.......

2009-05-18T06:29:00.000-07:00

What a weekend!

Friday: Get Syd off to school, set Layne up with a sitter, go to work. After work, off to Pinnacle State Park for a school wide picnic with all of Syd's peeps. Back home, bath, bed.

Saturday: Up early for a 9am birthday party, farmer's market and lunch with Layne (Syd went to a friend's house for the afternoon), home. Syd had a friend over for a sleepover and I had a few people over for food and adult company. Bed....late!!

Sunday: Up and off to church, Greek Food Festival, pedicure and manicure with Syd, potluck, home, bath, and bed (for ALL of us!).

It was busy and SO MUCH fun!!!!! While I had a few hours with Layne on Saturday I found myself getting all weepy thinking about how much I LOVE these girlies. Of course, then I start to regret becoming a doctor......maybe I should have been a stay at home mom.....think of all I'm missing. There is so much joy to be found with my girls and I'm in a hospital somewhere.....seems kinda crazy. I am reminded that our weekend would have been less then fun if we were not able to afford food, which is what would happen if I didn't work!

In the end, I know that we have struck a great balance. Mere and I are partners and that is really an amazing thing. Somehow I managed to wake up in the middle of the super cool life and I'm so grateful for that. I'm grateful for ALL that Mere does to keep our house running and our girls happy. I'm grateful that she takes out the trash, balances the checkbook, pays the bills, and runs from swimming lessons to gymnastics to horse back riding all in a days work. Most of all I'm grateful that I have 2 happy, healthy, well adjusted girlies and a wife that rocks.

Now COME HOME!!!!!!!

ER Manual

2009-04-11T16:00:00.000-07:00

I wish I could hand this out to ER patients before seeing them. But, I can't for obvious reasons so I will write my dream patient manual here and move on to greener pastures.

If your child is sick, alternate tylenol and motrin every 2 hours. When their temp comes back....keep alternating. If I had a penny for everytime I said this I would be a millionare.

There is no magic pill/cure for viruses. I'm sorry you feel bad, but I don't have an answer. If I did, I wouldn't be working in the ER.....I would be a millionare.

Rashes are not emergencies.

If you have COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease) then don't smoke. This includes pot.

If you cannot get yourself water/food and you are in a nursing home, you will get dehydrated. Very, very dehydrated.

Back pain for 3 months is not an emergency.

Nothing that has been going on for 3 months is an emergency.

I am not a dentist. The only way to cure a tooth abscess is to see a dentist. If you don't have dental insurance, I am sorry but I'm still not a dentist.

There is not much that Ibuprofen can't make better.

Babies cry. That is what they do. I know it is hard but I can't fix it.

If you have seen a billizion doctors for a particular problem, then I am probably not going to be able to fix it on a Saturday afternoon in the ER.

Migraine headaches suck. I KNOW they hurt. I'm still not going to give you narcotics. Sorry.

If you are drunk, please don't come to my ER. PLEASE stay home. If you see someone who is drunk, don't call an ambulance and have them brought to the ER.

You are not suicidal if you took 5 pills and called your friend, mother, sister, etc. You are also not suicidal if you took 5 pills and called the ambulance.

Alternate tylenol and motrin every 2 hours
Alternate tylenol and motrin every 2 hours
Alternate tylenol and motrin every 2 hours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel better now. Much, much better.

Calling All Our Peeps!!

2009-03-21T08:31:00.001-07:00

We made an executive decision this morning. One we probably shouldn't make but ce-la-vie! We are going on the R Family Vacations Alaska Cruise.....yeah!!!!!!! We are going to spend a few days in Seattle before the actual cruise. So, if any of our blogger peeps (hint, hint...Arcane Matters...etc) are going to be on board let us know. It would be so AWESOME to meet some of you guys. I don't think any of my regular readers live in Seattle, but, if I'm wrong...let me know.

I am SO excited. We were watching the video online this morning and Mere is on it (we were on the 1st cruise)....how cool. Of course, it made us all gushy and we remembered what an amazing time we had 5 years ago. Next thing you know, I'm looking up flights.

So....come one guys.....book your rooms!

Let Go and Let God????

2009-03-04T08:36:00.000-08:00

Ok.....I have never had any intention of making this a TTC blog....but....it is what it is, right? We have been on this stupid roller coaster for 2 years!*&% What? How could that be??? Oh, but it is. Meanwhile, everyone around us is either pregnant or has recently delivered. It is getting sort of cruel. Things I MUST remember

1. I am not in control. I am not in control. I am not in control
2. If it is meant to be, it will happen
3. This is really none of my business. If God wants this then it will be, if not then it won't
4. I have 2 beautiful, perfect, wonderful baby girls that I am so fortunate to know and love
5. I cannot control this, I cannot control this, I CANNOT control this!!!!!!!
6. All babies/pregnancies are blessings....even if it is not mine
7. Patience, patience, patience

Keep all your parts crossed as we start on cycle ???? ( I lost count a LONG time ago)

The Other Ones

2009-02-16T10:54:00.000-08:00

Layne taking flight on Mona airlines.

The love bug. Mona and the girls worked hard on this one!

Mere getting some sweet love from Ralphie. See honey .... chihuahua's rock!

Mommy tracing Layne the dolphin fairy (don't ask).

A picture that Mona took of the pretty girl. Seriously, how stinking cute can one kid be?

Mona and Syd complete master- piece #1. A dinosaur with an orange bodysuit.

My angels hard at work.

Mona and Layne perfecting their art.

Time to make cookies!

Carole and the girls busy decorating cookies.

Are they done yet?

Uhmmmm...can't wait to eat some of that yummy dye.

Can I have some cookie with my icing? You know you want one!

Carole and the girls in the middle of a baking frenzy.

Carole and me chillin'

Sunday morning DS games. Don't they look so serious?

You know the other ones....the ones without kids. The people who have a house untouched by little hands. The place that you go when you are always a little edgy about what your kids are going to get into, what mess they will make, and trouble they will find. It is hard to totally exhale. But not at Carole and Mona's house. Carole and Mona are really close friends of ours (really more like family) who have 4 legged children but not 2 legged gooses like us. We decided to have a sleepover at their house on Valentine's day, kids and all. We had a blast! The girls got to decorate their driveway, bake cookies, and just have fun. It was so relaxing and great. The best part? No stress. The girls had free reign of the house without any worry about breaking things, etc. We are so lucky. Oh....and I got some great chihuahua lovin'

She Has Come Undone

2009-02-05T08:12:00.000-08:00

I'm pulling up to our house yesterday and my eye catches something on Mere's window. Ok....so she already drives the minivan with all the appropriate bumper stickers and evidence of a stay at home mom. But, this I was not ready for......a girl scout flag sticking out of her window. Yes, you heard me a girl scout flag. She has finally lost it. I told her that she needs to leave the girls with me for a weekend and go somewhere with adults ONLY. She shrugged and then proceeded to excitedly tell me how much her girls [read: daisy troup] made in cookie sales [$700]. She is gone, totally gone...................

Plan Z

2009-01-28T10:11:00.000-08:00

Mere asked me to post this because you know she "doesn't put that stuff" on her blog. Where are we on the baby front? Right now.....taking a break. Our life has been consumed with getting pregnant and it sucks. So, we are taking a new approach.

No IVF, no injectable drugs, no big money, high stress stakes. We are going to use clomid and do home inseminations with Mere. If she gets pregnant, great. If it take a year, then it takes a year. I am not going to go down the route of injections, hormone patches, etc right now. Will I carry a baby someday? Maybe. Will it be now? No. Does this make me sad? Yes, but it is not in the cards right now.

We took the last 2 months off and will start back up next month. We are not going to let this consume our lives anymore!!!!!

25 things

2009-01-27T16:26:00.000-08:00

Facebook mania has resulted in the 25 random facts about you craze. I thought I would post my 25 random things about me on my blog.

1. I love reality tv. The real housewives of New York and Orange County are my favorites

2. I HATE clutter. No, I really hate it. It makes me a little crazy, I have to tell myself that "it is ok, it is ok."

3. I think my 6 year old may be smarter than me

4. My 2 year old scares me. I know that there will be many sleepless nights. I hope she doesn't do the things I did in college but I know she will!

5. I could live on pretzels and be perfectly happy

6. My favorite fantasy involves running off to some foreign country and doing something totally different with my life

7. I can't believe I'm a doctor

8. Sometimes I wonder if being a doctor was the right choice. Maybe I should have been a realtor

9. I can't get pregnant. This really upsets me and I have not worked through it yet.

10. I thought I would always be single so it still shocks me that I have been with Mere for almost 10 years

11. I love Layne's curls and the curves on Syd's arms. I can trace both with my fingers for hours.

12. I LOVE to cuddle. My wife is on the fence.

14. I love to be rubbed. My arms, back, legs, head, anything!

15. I think I was adopted. OK, I know I was not but it would explain a lot about me.

16. I want a chihuahua almost as much as another kid but my wife won't let me get one. Poor me!

17. I don't usually practice what I preach

18. I am addicted to my iphone and my mac. I like to think that material possessions don't matter to me but these do.

19. I have an old soul. I have never felt my age and always connected with people older than me. I am used to being the youngest adult in the room, it has always been that way.

20. I hate my double chin. No matter how much weight I lose it won't go away! I think I will have plastic surgery on it some day. I also hate the wiggly part under my arms

21. I have 2 tattoos and I regret one of them

22. I had my tongue pierced in college. I loved it even though it grosses me out when I see others with one

23. I hate uncertainty but my life is filled with it

24. I am the only member of my family (on my mom's side) who talks to everyone. I hate it

25. I picked up our best friends at an Indigo Girl's concert!!!!

OH SHIT!

2009-01-25T15:54:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a pretty average day working in the ER. It was pretty busy but we were staying ahead of it and it wasn't bad. Until the call came over the radio. It was 5pm....3 men down, on a part of the highway that is closed and not meant for driving. 5 minutes later they came over the radio again, 3 criticals, all coding, all very sick. Other things were said like, "half of his skull is gone," "thrown 100 ft," "unconscious," "unresponsive," "young."

The charge nurse and I started to put together teams, pulling nurses from other parts of the hospital. We had 3 rooms ready, 3 teams ready, waiting. That's when I realized something....OH SHIT....I'm the only doctor. How can I possibly run 3 codes and take care of 3 critical patients in 3 different rooms at the same time? Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. To say I was scared is an understatement. Everyone is looking at me like I'm the one with all the answers. Oh shit.

In rolls the 1st ambulance with a young person (19 or so), blood everywhere, unconscious, cold, no pulse. So we start the code and get ready to intubate when in rolls the second ambulance with another young person (25) missing a large part of his skull, not breathing, no heartbeat, not responsive. I run to him and realize that there is not anything that can be done.....I call it and back to the other patient. Attempt to intubate with blood and puke and stuff EVERYWHERE. I look down and see blood and spinal fluid running out of his ear....oh SHIT. All the while we are doing CPR and giving drugs, trying to get a heartbeat, trying to get anything.

In rolls the last ambulance. This patient is alive, barely, but alive. I look up and see one of the local doctors who came in to help....thank God! Rush back to patient #2. There is no hope for him. Pronounce patient #2. Back to the one guy who might make it. Intubate, CPR, drugs...we have a pulse. He eventually made it to a trauma center via helicopter and is still in critical condition. I don't hold out a lot of hope that he will make it. It was awful. Not a good night, not for anyone.

Enough

2009-01-24T13:04:00.000-08:00

I am lying in bed with her soft, little arms wrapped around my neck and her body snuggled up next to me. I can smell her breath and feel her heart beat, it is amazing. There are people who never know this kind of love. They don't know what it is like to bury their face in a head full of angel curls. This is life, this is it, this is love.

For a minute, it doesn't matter if we have more. We have so much already. I am truly at peace with this. We will keep trying, we might get blessed, we might have more. But, if we don't....that is ok. These babies fill me up and watching them grow into such incredible people brings joy beyond belief. I love my girlies!!!

I was wrong!

2009-01-11T16:59:00.000-08:00

So I have known for 6 years. Yes, since the day of my oldest daughter's birth I have known that she would be going to Disney with her grandparents at the ripe old age of 6. I have dreaded this week away from my baby. I have hated it over and over again. I was so worried that she would be upset, miss us, etc, etc, etc. Of course, everyone told me how good it would and how much fun she would have. Don't worry, don't worry, don't worry. But, I didn't really believe ANY of them. Well, obviously, I was WRONG. Today is day 5 of her trip and the little girl is having the time of her life. She has probably spoken to us for a total of 10 minutes (if even) since being gone and I'm pretty sure it is only because Grandma and Pepre make her. "I'm having a good time, mom!" "Do you miss me?" This the sum of our conversations.

I guess this is all part of the new growth thing. My baby is growing up and I have to just get over it. I'm so glad she is having this awesome experience with her grandparents. To Bob and Susan, thanks! (Despite all my complaining and bitching I'm so glad she is sharing this with you both).

Now, maybe when she comes home our "big" girl can sleep in her own bed.....hmmm.......

Growth

2009-01-09T10:26:00.000-08:00

Do we ever stop growing? You think you have kids, your married, your in your career....everything just kind of goes on auto pilot. But we can't live in auto pilot mode. Most of us need more. Self discovery at 30 years old. Waking up, working through the things you try to put away and ignore. It feels good and bad all at the same time. Thank God for my soulmate and beautiful children. Thank God that Mere wants to take this journey with me. Thank God for time and space and quite and unconditional love. Guess what? I don't have to be perfect or please everyone all the time. It is a lot easier said than done!

Happy Birthday

2008-12-30T19:16:00.001-08:00

Happy Birthday to my niece and nephew, Maddie and Colin are 10 years old today!!!! Time flies is the understatement of the year. We had a great time spending their special day with them. I love you guys!!!

I can cook a turkey!

2008-12-27T10:25:00.000-08:00

Ok, so Bob (my FIL) had to help from afar, but I (I mean, we...Mere, SIL, and me) did it. There was some great Christmas day drama that resulted in my mom and sister leaving our house soon after opening gifts. This left me to cook the turkey. I love to cook, I cook all the time, but I'm not into big Thanksgiving/Christmas cooking. And, I have never done a turkey because someone has always been there to do it for me. But, now I've done it and it was easy and it was good....YEAH! We did it. Oh yeah, and thanks Bob.

The rest of Christmas went off without a hitch. My mom and sister came back in time to eat (yipeee) and we had a blast with the twins. In other news, cookies have taken over our house. I mean....dozens and dozens and dozens of cookies. I'm going to need to be put in a room with celery, water, and a treadmill for a month to get rid of all these cookie calories. But I keep eating them.

The girls are happy with their Christmas gifts and the twins are over the moon with their Wii. Syd has not put down her pixos since yesterday and Layne loves to put her baby to bed in her new crib.

Last night we went to the Big Green House and exchanged gifts. They gave us the AWESOME plaque that is going to be perfect in our entry way. In turn, we destroyed their house, drank their rum, and ate all their cheetos. Oh, I might have had some Nutella and peanut butter in spoon (but I cleaned the spoon in between dips). See the plaque below:

I can't get the whole thing to upload on blogger the right way, but you get the picture!

One LONG post

2008-12-21T20:31:00.000-08:00

My wife has turned into a world class blogger. She is ALWAYS blogging. On the other hand, I have been so bad about it lately. I have little blogs in my head but never seem to have the time to sit down and put it together.

I am finishing up a VERY long weekend in Newport. The ER has been trying this weekend. 2 people dead on arrival, one young man in a car accident that will likely leave him paralyzed, and a child in respiratory distress (just to name a few). Everyone always talks about how hard they think Oncology would be, but the truth is people die in all fields of medicine. Man, I need a break. Thank God after tonight, I have 2 weeks of NO MOONLIGHTING!!! I am so excited. I'm also off the 23rd-28th....I mean, OFF, OFF....no fellowship, no ER, no hospitalist. Just me and the family. Oh...heaven.

This week was a tough one. Monday started with our appointment with the RE. We spent about a hour in his office. We had a plan, we were set. He went to talk to the legal department to get the forms we would need for Mere to donate her eggs to me. He comes back into the room and says, "our legal dept says we can't do it." What????? Long story short, the "legal" dept said not to get involved. Some bullshit about us being married in Vermont and that we could move to Vermont and there could be battles over embryo custody. What???? After arguing with our doctor for awhile I asked, "could my sister or a friend donate?" He said, "yes." Ok, so what is the difference here? He had that deer caught in the headlights look about him. He essentially had no idea what he was talking about and he knew it. He kept saying, "I don't care, I don't have any problem with it." Obviously, his "legal dept" does not actually have an attorney because the argument that he was making made no sense at all. He said we could do in vitro w/ Mere or she could donate to me and we could go out of state and they would do the monitoring here. The actual retrieval and transfer would have to be done at another facility. We were both so shocked we just didn't know what to say. He finally said, "I will talk to my partners and see what they say." I haven't heard from him since. And since he is the only partner in his group that will even see same sex couples, I am guessing that the answer will be no. I have called Memphis and Dallas fertility clinics and none will see same sex couples. I have cried, been depressed, and been mad. Mere has been SO supportive. She keeps saying, "we will do anything and everything if you want this." And I do. But, now is just not the time. It was going to be enough to do this locally. I was still nervous about the drugs, nervous about how depressed they make me, nervous about us both being pregnant. But now there is this HUGE roadblock and I'm thinking someone is trying to tell me something. Now is not the time for me. Maybe later, but not now. I am ok with this. Not perfect, not happy, no pretending that it is all peachy. Just ok. Our decision now is to do IVF w/ Mere and if there are extra embryos we will save them and maybe we can transfer to me later. Yes, there are a lot of ifs, I know. This is all that we can do RIGHT NOW. Who knows what the future holds?

One thing this has done....make me wonder what in the hell we are doing living in Arkansas!! We do love it here, this is where our life is, but can we do this forever? Live somewhere where it is ok for us to be discriminated against? I really don't know if I can do it forever. I don't know if I want my kids to do it.

On a happier note, Megan and the twins are here!!!! YEAH!!! I haven't seen them yet (because I at work) but I am so excited. When I talked to Mere earlier I could hear them all in the background and it made me smile. I love a house full of family and kids. I can't wait to get home to them all. Warm fires, cookies, and lots of people for me to cook for. Ahhh....it doesn't get any better.

What are your Christmas plans??

Plan B or C or D......

2008-12-07T16:47:00.000-08:00

If you have read Mere's blog then you know, we got another BFN! This is truly starting to suck. We spent the morning on the phone (I'm in Newport for the weekend) discussing our options. As luck would have it, our RE sometimes covers for the OB docs in Newport and he was here this weekend. After Mere called with the negative test I walked over to OB and we talked for awhile. Talked about our options. Then Mere and I talked some more.

Finally, we have a plan. For the 1st time in a long time I am hopeful and happy about the path we are choosing. So, here it is (BTW, thanks to all the great comments on my last post).....

We have an appointment on Monday where I start a "mock cycle." If everything goes well, then we get on the same cycle and then EGG RETRIEVAL!!! This time, Mere's embryos will go into both of us. Yes, I might get to carry a baby...OMG!!!

The only downside is that we will have to wait about 3 months to do a retrieval because it will take that long for us to prep. But, that is ok. We have a plan. A plan that MUST end in at least one baby, or two, or three. I'm excited and hopeful and happy.

The morning started out terrible but the day is ending on a high note :)

Membership DENIED

2008-11-21T19:01:00.000-08:00

Female? Yes

Years of painful periods, acne, and PMS? Yes

Uterus? Yes

Ovaries? Yes

Fallopian tubes? Yes

Younger than 35? Yes

Membership of the pregnancy club? DENIED

As you all know, we have become very close to the members of the BIG GREEN house. This is the first couple that we have been friends with where both partners have carried a baby. This is the first time that I find myself in a group of people swapping pregnancy stories and I am the only one who cannot participate. I don't have stretch marks, I can jump on a trampoline without peeing, and I have never had cankles. BUT, I have never felt a baby move inside me or known true power of my body.

I have been a part of the mommy club for 6 years and it is the best 6 years of my life. I wouldn't trade my membership for ANYTHING. I am so lucky to be in this club with such amazing, perfect, beautiful girlies. I am their mom and NOTHING will ever change that and I didn't have to get stretch marks or cankles to get them. It is hard to complain about that.

I guess I still really struggle with how I feel about this whole infertility shit. There are days I want to carry a baby so bad I can taste it. But then there are days when I think....oh crap....if I got pregnant and had to go on bedrest we would be in trouble. I am the breadwinner which makes it seem so irresponsible for me to go down a road where I could potentially get pregnant with more than one baby (i.e. IVF with donor eggs). For what? An experience? I am usually a means justifies the end kind of person. It doesn't matter how you get there.....getting there is the important part. I already have 2 kids and a fertile wife so I know that we will likely reach our dream of 4 children. So if I have kids then why does the journey matter? Does it matter? And, why can't I figure this out? I am not the sort of person who has a hard time deciding what I want in life. So, WHY IS THIS SO HARD?

I think being back in the RE's office, injecting Mere with drugs, and discussing things like follicle counts, transvaginal ultrasounds, and trigger injections has brought my infertility struggle back to the surface. Having to deal with all this stuff I thought I had put to bed. Aghhhhhh!!! The good news? Mere has 2 great follicles ready for release so keep your fingers crossed.

Motivation?

2008-11-13T08:19:00.000-08:00

I don't know what is wrong with me lately but I just can't get into my fellowship. Don't get me wrong, I love working with cancer patients and I love reading and learning about cancer but all the stuff in between is already wearing thin. In our program, we have to give presentations ALL THE TIME. At least once a month. And these aren't just any presentations....they are long, dense, and esoteric. Yes, I actually had an attending tell me that my talk needed to be more esoteric. Seriously?? Less than 6 months into it and I already hate these damn talks. It seems like once I get through with one another comes along.

And the conferences.....DAMN, there are so many!! When are we supposed to actually learn? I guess I'm just not digging this program. I know there is nothing I can do about it. I want to be an oncologist and we aren't moving (says my wife) so here I am. But, that doesn't mean I can't complain about it? Here I am again, digging my heels in for another 3 years of misery. Dear God, please help me see the light (not that light, the one at the end of the tunnel).

Right now I'm in the, "I should have been a (insert another specialty)" mode. I'm doing my Heme/Path month which is SUPER laid back and fun. I spend about 2 hrs a day looking at slides and discussing the pathology. Ok...reading that last sentence does not make it sound like fun, but it is! I'm really enjoying it and thinking....why didn't I do pathology? Oh yeah, no patients. I know that the grass is always greener and I KNOW in my heart of hearts that I am where I am meant to be but the motivation has been less than stellar lately.

And then I think, what am I complaining about? I don't have cancer. I'm healthy. I have a great family. So get over it, right?

Socks

2008-11-04T19:51:00.000-08:00

Christmas is around the corner. Yes, after Halloween it is time to gear up for the holidays. I know this is true because Starbucks rolled out their seasonal holiday cups this morning, which makes it true. Now that the weather is getting cold I can also wear my favorite socks....another sign that Christmas is coming

I love this time of year. Christmas shopping, spending time with family, cold weather, Christmas trees, and socks. The best part of Christmas morning? Opening the package from my mother in law with the brand new knit socks. There is nothing better than slipping on a fresh pair of hand made, brightly colored socks. I get excited just thinking about it.

Really, they are more then socks. I wear them all the time (I'm wearing a pair right now). They are soft and cozy and cute, but they are more than that. When I'm spending a long weekend away from my family working in Newport, I wear my socks (yes, I have more than one pair). When I'm exhausted and ready to collapse I often look at my socks and am reminded of my family. Warm, fuzzy feelings pop up when I look at my socks, especially at 3am after being awake for 20 hours. I love my socks.

P.S. Susan, if you are reading this....hint, hint, hint :)

The Longest Walk

2008-10-30T18:29:00.001-07:00

The hall is not THAT long, but I really feels like it. I have led the procession of family to that room so many times and it never gets easy. What are they thinking? What kind of terrible things are running through their minds? Or do they just have a sinking feeling? Are they in shock? Numb? No doctor ever ask to speak to a family in "the room" to tell them good news. Down the hall and around the corner to the "family room." It sits right next to the social workers' office. 4 small walls that have seen so much anguish, a little piece of hell on earth. I HATE taking families to this room but this week it was even harder than usual.

I've been taking care of him off and on for 2 years. 21 years old, way to young for this. 2 years of intensive chemotherapy for what was supposed to be a "curable" leukemia. He did go into remission but there was no bone marrow donor. Now there is a donor but the leukemia came back so we gave him more chemo and put him back into remission. He was supposed to go to MD Anderson on Wed for his transplant but he got to sick for transplant. No problem, get him over the illness and then transplant him. I was the lucky person who realized it was back again. Sitting with the pathologist, reviewing the slides, questioning "are you sure?" Yes, it is back for the 3rd time. This is it. Nothing left for him.

He is awake and wants to fight. Wants more chemo, more options, but there are not any. He elects for intubation and doing "everything possible," even though we know there is nothing except a miracle. His parents at his bedside and trying to be strong, strong for him, and strong for his brother. They know it is over but they have to respect his wishes.

Now he is intubated, sleeping, dying. They keep a 24 hr bedside vigil just waiting for him to die. They know it is coming, we all do, but when? He has touched us all in so many ways. We are all preoccupied with him, we are all sad, we are all praying. He starts his last ditch line of chemotherapy tonight. It won't work, we know it, but he begged for it. These are his wishes. I hope he stays asleep. He doesn't need to suffer anymore. 21 years old, I don't understand.

*****UPDATE******

He is still here but things are not looking much better.

YEAH!!!!!!!!

2008-10-23T18:48:00.001-07:00

I DID IT!!!! I passed the boards. I am BOARD CERTIFIED in Internal Medicine. WHEW!

My Kid is Smarter Than Me!

2008-10-21T18:18:00.000-07:00

Chicago is great. I LOVE big cities, love them, love them, love them. Chicago is one city I haven't been to before now and it is pretty cool. But, I like New York better. I guess nothing can compare to it in my mind.

One thing is for sure, this is the place for kids. There is so much to do with little ones. The Field Museum, the Aquarium, The Children's Museum, the Planetarium, and the Science Museum. In fact, the reason I picked a conference in Chicago is so that Syd could see "Sue," the largest reconstructed T Rex in the world. Yes, Syd has wanted to meet Sue for a LONG time. Well, today was the day. I must admit the Field Museum is pretty amazing, but after about 4 hours...I was done. Not Syd, nope, she was LOVING IT!!!! Reading and watching about evolution, animal habitats, and dinosaurs...she was in heaven. I wanted to go shopping.

The shopping that Syd wanted to do? The Sue store....yep, a whole store dedicated to dinos, my little girl was in heaven. We did manage to pick up some pretty cool Christmas gifts and Syd was to enraptured to notice. Afterwards, we went to the Shed Aquarium where Syd seemed to know everything about the fish and other animals. There was a presentation on an owl....Syd knew all the answers and asked some great questions. By the end of the Q&A the presenter was calling Syd her little expert. Again....my kid is smarter than me and dare I say, a little bit of a nerd. It is all good though because she is the most beautiful nerd I've ever seen.

We did get to the American Girl store. Syd was not impressed....7 stories of dolls? So? But, when we walked in Layne said, "my babydoll!!!" She could not pick out a doll because she wanted all of them. I'm hoping someday we can go and she will bring her "favorite" AG doll, she can get her hair done w/ her, and they can get a matching outfit. Oh yeah, but I like talking about dinos too...no, I REALLY do....I promise!

Mere even had a little shopping spree today. For those of you who don't know, "Mere" and "shopping spree" don't usually go together unless "electronics" are also in the sentence. Not today....she has some super cute new clothes after an afternoon at a local boutique. She looks super sexy!!! Keep your hands off, she is mine!

Give Me My Ovaries Back!!!!

2008-10-21T18:12:00.000-07:00

After our 1st appointment with the RE....I feel much better!!!! Apparently, Mere is "fertile myrtle" as the RE nurse put it. Dr. Miller was not sure why she is not pregnant....at first he said it was her age. Then they did the antral follicle ultrasound.....24! He said, "you guys must have switched ovaries." He then told Mere, "it doesn't matter if you are 12 or 40, your ovaries are great!"

So this month is repeat HSG since her last one was before Syd. Next month, clomid, injectables, follicular monitoring, and IUI (at the RE office). 2 months of that and then IVF. Yes, keep praying for NO IVF.

Either way, it really made me feel better. Maybe our time is not running out after all.

One thing is for sure, God must have wanted me to be a lesbian because I KNOW I was meant to be a mom and Dr. Miller confirmed the fact that there won't be any babies for me w/ my eggs.

Keep your fingers crossed!

Our first appointment

2008-10-17T06:05:00.000-07:00

Today is the day! At 1pm we have an appointment with our new RE. I'm excited, nervous, and scared all at the same time. What if he says.....nope, can't do it? Your almost 40 [looking at Mere] and your eggs suck [looking at me]. You would think with double the girlie parts we would be swimming in kids. Deep breath.....now I just have to make it through morning clinic so I can be done in time for our appt.

In other news.....Layne just had her [almost] 2 year old appointment. She is almost 22 lbs....big kid, huh? Still in the 3-5% for weight and head circumference. But when it comes to height....25%!!!! Such a little peanut.

We leave for a week long trip to Chicago on Monday and I am SO excited.....more on that later.

Mixed Emotions

2008-10-10T11:20:00.001-07:00

Ok...well, Mere is probably going to kill me for blogging about this...but, I want to. It won't be the first (or last) time this blog has gotten me in trouble.

We are STILL NOT PREGNANT. This has been almost 1 1/2 years if you combine the time we have both been trying. I know I was a dud but I really thought Mere would pop another one out w/o much trouble. I thought this was the month....clomid, no nursing, good timing...what happened?

EVERYONE around us is getting pregnant and it is frustrating. Yes, I am happy for them all and a few of them have had fertility issues to BUT I WANT A BABY. I don't care how we get it, who carries it, etc....I just want it. We found out about our friend's pregnancy on the same day that my OB thought I was pregnant (because my progesterone was so high). I had one day of thinking I had done it. Now I look at her baby (peanut's parents) and think....ohhhh we would had that baby by now if I had been pregnant.

I do realize that we started having babies WAY before most of our friends so even though they are all having babies, they are mostly on their 1st and 2nd kids. Is it selfish to be so upset about wanting a 3rd? Even if we were done now we would have everything to be grateful for and nothing to be upset about. But, I would be. I feel like we aren't complete yet.....we are meant to have more.

What next? We have an appt w/ the RE on Oct 17th and there are a world of possibilities out there. Mere's eggs....my uterus, Mere's eggs....her uterus, Mere's eggs....both of our uteri (is that a word?). I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I DO KNOW I am not looking foward to bringing those evil drugs back into our house. I am not looking foward to regular transvaginal ultrasounds. I am not looking foward to these hard decisions. I DO NOT WANT multiples and I'm not mentally prepared to get pregnant right now. I thought I was off the hook for awhile. BUT, if you have fresh, good embryos hanging around....what do you do?

I'm not going to make this a TTC blog but I will keep everyone posted.

In other news, everyone is doing great in our house. Layne is turning into such a little kid. She is not our baby anymore (she will always be our baby). She is talking up a storm and just such a joy....ALWAYS keeping us entertained. Syd is also doing great. She is learning to read like a champ and starting to think so grown up. When did this happen?

Mere is also doing great. She is swimming (at 5am) on M/W/F w/ a local swim team and she is working w/ our trainer. Damn Gina! She is going to get buff and I'm going to stay flabby.

We went and looked at a mother's day out program this week. Layne starts Tuesday from 9am-2pm. We are both a little nervous but I think Layne will be very happy there. I know she needs to spend more time around other kids and get used to not being with one of us all the time.

Finally, this weekend is packed!!!! I am not working.....YEAH!!!!!! But here is our schedule:
Tonight: Party at a friend's house....probably not going to make it
Tommorrow: Race for the Cure, lunch w/ my peeps, Syd b-day party, a baby shower, and then we are hosting the 3rd annual pumpkin carving contest at our house...think we will be tired?
Sunday: I think we are supposed to paint Syd's room.....BUT, maybe we could go to the fair instead???

Hope everyone has a great weekend.

KJ For President

2008-09-22T14:03:00.000-07:00

I think anyone who can stay home with 5 kids under 4 could definately run the country. Just reading her blog makes me exhausted. And 5 days alone? No president has ANYTHING on her. So, that is my plan.....KJ for president.

Oh, and another thing....can we please just put OJ on a island and call it a day?

There is a new blogger in town who writes so well about political issues that I have to direct everyone to her blog, women without a cause, because I think it is awesome.

That is all for now.

GET OVER IT!!!

2008-09-18T19:29:00.000-07:00

Warning: If you are a McCain/Palin fan then you might want to refrain from reading this blog until after the election!!!! This is the only warning you will get so if you get offended it is not my problem.

I thought the Republicans were BIG, BAD, gun toting, everyone takes care of him/herself type of people. You know.....grow a backbone, quit whining, and get over it. No handouts, no second chances, just get it right. Well, I guess I was wrong........

After all the talk about the McCains on the view and Cindy McCain's statements about their appearance, I watched the clip. Seriously? This upset the McCains??? The questions that were asked were fair, upfront, and honest. It was obviously hard for John McCain to answer these questions without the benefit of sound bites, scripts, and speech writers. I will give the McCains credit for even going on the show, they must have known it would be a difficult interview. BUT, it was not even close to being "as bad" as Cindy McCain made it out to be in her statements. If you can't take a little heat, then you DEFINATELY do not need to be President. Please, please, please tell me that they will not win.

I loved the talk about religion and Roe vs Wade. The take home message: if you are a woman who desires rights or anything but Christian, then watch out!!!! I hope you will go to utube and watch the video. I deserves to be watched. And Elizabeth made a point to say that McCain had her vote. I don't think I would admit it if I was voting for McCain or if I had voted for Bush. I would be a closeted Republican (and I would stay in the closet).

This cannot be happening. America cannot be this stupid. I'm scared.

Blog block

2008-09-15T16:59:00.000-07:00

I usually have so many blog entries floating around in my head but lately there has been nothing. So today I have random thoughts and random pics.

I was watching CNN at the gym and Sarah Palin was giving a speech in which she addressed the audience as "guys and gals." She later referred to her husband as the "first dude." OK...this is out of control. She is actually kind of sexy until she opens her mouth. Do people really like her? I know I'm going to wake up from this nightmare. If McCain wins I think we will have to flee the country. I'm over being pissed that Hilary is not the Democratic candidate, I am over not liking Obama. Obviously, we can't afford to NOT vote for Obama. If any of the above offends you....to bad!

This economy is crazy. What a scary time. How is the average person supposed to make it. I'm glad I'm in a recession proof profession.

I love my girls so much but I am feeling them grow up to fast. I couldn't sleep last night because I couldn't quit thinking about how one day soon Syd won't sit in my lap and jump into my arms and think I am the best thing since sliced bread. And Layne? She is not a baby anymore....what happened? BTW, she went pee pee on the potty tonight....all by herself!!!! No, we aren't training her she is just ready. I'm going to miss these girls when they get to cool for me.

Are we ever going to get pregnant? I mean, a year and a half of trying....I just want a baby already. We need to get this show on the road. Layne is done nursing so Mere is going to start Clomid this month. We have an appt w/ the RE doc on Oct 17th.....oh crap....not that again!

I love our new friends. They are the perfect family for us.....it is cool to meet people and feel so comfortable from the start.

My sister seems to be growing up and getting it together......I like it.

I'm back to running again and it feels so good. I hope this sticks.

And, now for random pics:

I went to Syd's school for lunch last week and we had so much fun. Some pics of our lunch:

A picture of my beautiful wife:

Meric and Layne playing over the weekend:

You Have Got to Prayer Up!

2008-08-27T08:29:00.001-07:00

I was riding in the elevator the other day with a nurse that works at the cancer center and a nurse who just applied for a job at the cancer center. There conversation went something like this,

Nurse1: "Do you like working here?"
Nurse2: "Yes, but is can be very difficult sometimes"
Nurse1: "Really?"
Nurse2: "Before you come to work here you better prayer up if you want to make it through the day. These people are sick and the work can really get you down if you aren't careful."

Prayer up.....I really like that. Yes, you definately need to prayer up for this job.

I have had to prayer up this week. We have a patient who has been dying of cancer for over a year. The last few months he has been having a steady decline. This hospital admission the writing was on the wall....he is going to die. The question is do we send him home with comfort care and let him die in peace and in his own environment or do we keep doing invasive things in the hospital without any real hope of doing any good? In other words, should we prolong his death? This seems like a really easy answer. But, it is not. Not for families who feel like they aren't doing "everything" possible. Not for sons who cannot wrap their minds around a terminal patient who does not want to eat. Not eat? We have to feed him somehow, someway...right? It is so hard to explain the process of dying to a family. It is worse when the family is divided. Yesterday, we had a final family meeting because the indecision had gone on long enough. The patient is the only person who suffers. It was heart breaking to watch a woman who has been married for 60+ years to decide to let her husband go in peace. It was even more heart breaking to know that she wanted to make this decision last week but was to afraid of upsetting her adult children. I cannot imagine having to be so strong in a time when you must feel so weak. Having to stand up for what you know is right for your loved one when the rest of the family is still questioning.

It was really hard, some days are just really hard. I guess I need to prayer up.

Mommies Gone Wild!!!

2008-08-25T17:32:00.000-07:00

I have been meaning to post these pics since Mary left but just haven't had the time so I thought I would put them up before I completely forgot. Here are some fun pics of our night on the town.

Mere and Me "posing"

Bridget and Holcolmb....so cute!!

You talkin' to me!!!!????

My new partner in crime

I love cheesy music!

You can say that again!

Do I really have to claim them?

The wild one in the middle surrounded by the good girls!

Ok, this wild mommy is going to bed. Yes, it is 9pm...so what???

A Letter to My First Born

2008-08-20T11:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Sydney,

Today marked a big day for you. You are now officially a first grader!!!! You were so proud this morning with your new back pack and school uniform. Watching you grin from ear to ear and telling Laynie, "ba ba is going to go to 1st grade today" was so cute. As we cuddled in bed last night I was marveling at how time flies. I can still remember the second you were born. I remember carrying you from the delivery room to the nursery, thinking, "Oh my God, this is my daughter." You have been the love of my life, you have given me joy and peace and comfort in knowing that all is right with the world. How could it not be with you in it?

My favorite part of the day is when we sit down and read our latest book. Now it is Ivy and Bean but we have gone through so many and will go through so many more as the years progress. I love to listen to you sing in the car and play pretend dinos and tell Layne you love her. I love to watch you love on your sister and concentrate on your drawings. I love everything about you. Your 1st grade teacher is lucky to get to spend the year with such an amazing person.

You have grown into such a beautiful, smart, and creative little (big) girl. I know that you will someday be an unstoppable woman but for now you are still my baby. I love you my goose and I am SO PROUD of you!!!!!! By the way, you need to stop growing up right now!!!

Facebook is in the HOUSE and now it's going home

2008-08-18T09:04:00.000-07:00

As most of you know my sister in law, Mary and our niece, Steph were visiting this week. The first night they were here Mary got Mere onto facebook. Now guess what I have? A facebook addict. Guess what else? I can't understand a lot the conversations they are having because I'm not on facebook. As Bridget said, "we can talk about you!" I guess I'm going to have to breakdown and join the crowd....maybe :)

Here is what it looked like at my house (when we were at home) this week. Mere and I on the sofa, mere w/ laptop in hand. Mary on the adjacent chair, w/ laptop in hand. Steph on the other chair, w/ laptop in hand. I did not have anything in my lap.....just the remote. Mere and Mary were laughing and having what must have been a great conversation, but I wouldn't know because I couldn't hear it. What? I was sitting in between them, why couldn't I hear? Because they were texting each other on facebook. Yes they live hundreds of miles apart but they are sitting a few feet away from each other and communicating via the internet. Something is very wrong with this.....very, very wrong.

On another note, this weekend was so much fun. Sat morning we went to the Rivermarket and shopped, ate, and shopped again. Sat afternoon we were at the Daisy Scout's ceremony, welcoming all the girls to Daisys. More on that later.

We went back to the piano bar on Sat (w/ Mere, Bridget, and Holcomb w/ us) and had a blast. I am definately not able to hold my liquor like I could in college. DEFINATELY NOT. But you cannot have more fun then being at a bar w/ your favorite friends and dancing to Ice, Ice baby coming from piano. Oh yeah, and not caring what others think because I'm not is college trying to pick someone up....I'm just having fun. I'm thinking this is going to have to be an every other month thing.....yeah, that's right Bridget you are going to have to suck it up!!!!

Sunday was also a blast....we spent the day at Linda's pool w/ my mom, Mere, Mary, Steph, Erica, Leah, Ross, and the girls. We had a great time and ended it with Ross, Syd, and Layne running around a local cafeteria signing and dancing. Entertaining for us. Others? Probably not so much. But who goes to a cafeteria on a Sunday evening anyway? You have to expect to run into some sorted characters (us) at Frankie's caf.

Mary and Steph leave today and we are all sad. It was just such a great week. Everyday was fun and Mary is so hilarious. How come it has taken us this long to bond? Probably because we are strangely alike in some ways. Syd was really sad last night because she didn't want them to leave today. She wanted to make sure I have their phone number so she can call them whenever she wants.

Have a safe trip girls! We will miss you.

BTW, check out Mary's blog for some cute pics of the trip (Yeah, I'm terrible at posting pics because I'm always at work when I blog.)

It's OVER!!!!!! And other fun stuff.....

2008-08-15T10:34:00.000-07:00

Yes, it is OVER!!!! Thank God that exam is done. I think I did well, I think I passed, and I felt good about the whole thing. If I failed, then I will just do it again next year. But, for now it is on to bigger and better things. My constant, pounding headache? It is finally gone. The terrible anxiety and pit at the bottom of my stomach? Gone.

I will say that the acupuncture REALLY helped. I am so sticking with that....now just for generalized anxiety and insomnia. But mostly because it makes me feel so good. My little chinese acupuncturist is so cute :) He said, "you not that bad. we fix you in few sessions." Yeah, we will see about that!

After the exam I came home to a beautiful flower arrangement from my sister in law, Mary and my niece, Steph. It was so nice and meant so much. Yes, there are pics but I am at work and have not had a chance to put them on the blog. I will post them later.

Since I finished earlier then I thought I got to spend the day w/ my girls and Mary and Steph (I guess I could just call them all my girls this week). I took Steph shopping for clothes in celebration of her 16th birthday. Holy crap!!!! She was 8 yesterday, I swear. We went to her favorite store, Hollister Co. I should have known that it would make me feel super old when I had never heard of it but I had no idea. The store is DARK w/ really LOUD music. Basically, I couldn't see or hear anything. There were teenagers everywhere and did I mention the loud music? Then Steph started trying on clothes and that is when I found out that size 0 is to big for her. Ok...I love her, she is my niece and I know that she gets a lot of crap for being pretty and little and well endowed, but, I kinda wanted to hit her when the size 0 was to big. Then I realized that it probably does really suck to not be able to find clothes that fit rather they are to big or to small. But still kinda wanted to hit her. Obviously, I didn't and we had a BLAST shopping.

That night we all went for an awesome dinner at Brave New Restaurant (one of our favorites) and then Mary somehow convinced me to go out dancing. I somehow convinced my sister to come with us. So, Mary, my sister (Jenn), and I all went out for a night of fun. That is all I can say about that :) But I am WAY TO OLD to be getting home at 1am on a work night. Thank God for Zofran and Ibuprofen.

The rest of the week has been great. We have done some swimming, some shopping, a lot of eating, and laughing. Tonight it is off to the movies and tommorrow night another night out w/ Mary, Mere, and some of our friends...it should be fun.

BTW, Steph may be young and cute, but I kicked her ass at Wii boxing (we won't talk about golf, bowling, and baseball scores).

Stressed to the MAX!!!!!!

2008-08-07T08:29:00.001-07:00

This week has been hell. A lot (most of it) has been self imposed. Do you think I will ever learn how to shut up? Uhmmm....probably not.

So, first...the boards. I have managed to get myself so worked up over them that I am in a state of panic. I know this is counterproductive, I know this could cause me to fail, but I cannot help it. I went to another board review this last weekend (which was great) but flying to and from NJ in 2 days is exhausting. I'm just living with a pit in my stomach and constant heart palpatations. At this point in time, I just want it to be OVER. So, on Aug 12 (next Tues) PLEASE send me positive brain waves and good energy. In the meantime I am a studying machine (which means my family doesn't get to see me) w/ breaks for acupuncture in an effort to tame the stress. Something HAS TO WORK!!!!

Second, the fellowship program. Long story short, there have been inequalities between the upper and lower level fellows. Rather these are true inequalities or perceived is still unclear. But, me being me I decided to bring it all out in the open. You know, introduce the pink elephant. Also being me, I didn't do it in the most tactful manner which resulted in a huge uproar and a day of emails back and forth b/w us all. The end result? I look like an ass for bringing up something that everyone was complaining about. I'm just the only one who said anything. When will I learn my lesson? Probably never. Will this pass? Yes...it already has. Will I ever be good friends w/ the upper level fellows? I'm thinking no. It is still just super stressing me out!!!!

That's all for now. I just want this week to be over. I just want to stop oscillating between fear, depression, and anxiety.

It Makes Me SICK

2008-07-28T08:05:00.000-07:00

This Sunday was a particularly good sermon. I'm not sure if it was because I haven't been to church in awhile (it seems I'm always working) or if Betsy just touched me again. Either way, she spoke about how we are all welcome in Christ's family....all comers....rich, poor, liberal, conservative...you get the point. Anyway, it was a great sermon.

Later that same day we had the tv on when the knews about the shooting at a Knoxville, TN church broke. Apparently, this Unitarian church is very open to everyone (including gays and lesbians) and it advertises this point. In fact, there is a new sign outside of their church that states, "Gays Welcome."

In the middle of a children's production a gunman walked into the church and opened fire. According to several church members, "he was yelling hateful things." They refused to elaborate not wanting to give this person's comments anymore attention. The gunman apparently believes in the "old south" and is a fan of confederate flags. So the thought is that this might be a hate crime. Of course, no one really knows what makes someone do something so terrible. Frankly, I don't want to know.

Out of this tragedy, 2 adults have died and several more are injured. No children were hurt. I'm not sure why this particular event has caused so much thought on my part. Probably because we go to a very open church and this could have easily been our Sunday morning. Please pray for this church and their families. Please pray that there will someday be a safe place for everyone.

I won't say any hateful things about the shooter but I am thinking them.

Suprise Date

2008-07-22T07:08:00.000-07:00

Friday turned out to be a really nice day. I finished clinic around 1pm and Britney was at the house with the girls so called Mere and asked if she wanted to go to lunch. We decided to try a restaurant that we don't usually go to. We went to Trios and it was GREAT. We shared some wine, an appetizer, a nice meal, and dessert. There were no kids, no rush, and no cell phones (the restaurant in cell phone free). Just us, talking and eating. It was a really nice date. Even better? It was unplanned. That is what life is all about :)

Later we went to see Wall-E....good movie, good message.

Money Can't Buy Happiness

2008-07-17T09:17:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know that money doesn't buy happiness....but sometimes it helps! My wife presented me with my graduation present yesterday and I am in love.

My new iphone :) I am not a gadget person and don't usually get excited about these things. When Mere got her iphone last year, I was not impressed. Furthermore, I was NOT going to like that super hyped up phone just b/c apple is good at marketing. But, over the last year I have grown to really like her iphone and somewhere along the line I decided that I wanted one. Now I have it and it totally rocks!!!!!!

Thanks baby....I love you!!!!

Welcome Life in the Big Green House!!!!

2008-07-16T08:02:00.000-07:00

Life is funny. It suprises you when you least expect it.....sometimes good, sometimes bad. Luckily, this time good. It all started at the Indigo Girls concert. We were tired after just coming home from vacation. But my good friend had bought the tickets and asked us to go a LONG time before our vacation. So, we went...knowing we would have a great time despite being super tired.

We got there and had a blast. The concert was great and we had a blast with Brooke. The other thing we noticed? There are a lot of lesbians in Little Rock and we know A LOT of them. The only problem? Most of them are single, without kids, and into a much different "scene" than us. Let's face it when you are the only one with kids in a group of people....it is difficult. Fast foward to intermission when we were standing in line waiting for a drink. We were talking about how "out of the community" we felt since having kids. Most of our friends are heterosexual couples with kids. We don't have ANY problem with this and didn't even really think about it until Syd recently started asking about other 2 mom families. Uhmm....we are bad lesbian moms!!! Anyway, we weren't drunk, we weren't going out after the concert, and we were checking our cell phones to make sure our babysitter had not called. We were feeling like we didn't belong in a community that we used to be super involved in/with.

That is when I overhead a conversation behind me. 2 moms talking about their kids. At least I was pretty sure that was what I heard. So I turned around and said, "do you guys have kids?" Their answer, "yes!!!" What happened next? We all started talking about our kids. Similar ages? Check! Living in LR? Check! This was looking good. One of the women, Holcomb, kept saying that she was sure she knew Mere from somewhere. Turns out they had been at a B-day party for a boy in Syd's class (whose mom I work with) and used to live next door to Bridget and Holcomb. Small world!

So, Bridget told me her full name and where she worked (UAMS...same place as me) and I told her I would email her. What do I do next? Email her the next day...can you say stalker? Luckily, she didn't think I was a stalker and got back to me pretty quickly. A few weeks later, a few dinners and phone calls and we are fast friends. The best part? Our kids really get along. Ok, so Layne and Meric (their youngest) are both pretty strong willed but they will be friends, damnit!!!!! Syd and Breck (their oldest) are definately on the same page....she finally has someone to share her love of dinos and dragons with.

It is really great to meet new friends and have everything fall into place. The real point of this post? To welcome Bridget and Holcomb to blogland. When you get a chance, go to their new blog at Life in the Big Green House and welcome them to the family!!!!!

The Week In Review

2008-07-14T11:21:00.000-07:00

Last week was a crazy (but fun) week.

Mon: Pool party for one of Syd's friends
Tues: Mere's photography class. A night alone for the girls and me.
Wed: Pampered Chef party at our house
Thurs: Cancelled work out with personal trainer and ordered chinese food (totally worth it!)
Friday: B-day party at ChunkyCheese + hair appointment
Sat: All day pool party (really fun)
Sun: Shrimp boil at H/B's house (yummy)
Mon (today): Pool party for Mere's Daisy troop

Whew! I'm tired just thinking about it. In the midst of this week we have realized how many AWESOME friends we have and how much we love living in Little Rock. I'm thinking we aren't going to be able to leave. I guess that means I will have to look for jobs here in a few years :)

The Stinky Cereal

2008-07-09T14:26:00.000-07:00

The last 2 weeks I have spent a lot of time studying for the boards. Obviously, not enough given the fact that I am blogging all the time (i.e. procrastination). Anyway, all this studying equals a lot of snacking. In an effort to improve my snacking habits I have been eating a lot of GOLEAN crunch cereal.

It is sooooo good. Sweet, crunchy, and super yummy. The only problem? Each serving has 8 grams of fiber. One serving equals one cup. I'm not sure how much I eat in one day but I can definately put more than one cup away in no time. It just sort of disappears. Until about 2 hours later when the stomach starts to rumble. This is followed by hours of loud, stinky farts. These are not ones you can quitely release....no you need a bathroom and privacy. Not always easy, especially at work. It is so bad that Syd calls it the stinky cereal because we have ALL fallen victim to its yummy crunch. When Syd has it for breakfast and we have been snacking on it, you DO NOT want to be in our house!!!! I know I don't get enough fiber and I know that this cereal is a good choice but I'm not sure how to get past the GI side effects. Maybe they will go away with time? I hope so because I have had more than one uncomfortable elevator ride this week. The plus side? My gluts are getting strong from all the flexing. Yeah, I know....TMI.

4th of July weekend in the ER

2008-07-08T13:49:00.000-07:00

1. Stab wound to the neck
2. 3 heart attacks
3. 1 intraabdominal bleed (read: very unstable patient)
4. 3 MVAs (motor vehicle accidents)
5. Druggies and alcoholics galore
6. BIG stroke that required immediate intubation
7. Tons of stuff in between

The point: it was a crazy weekend with a lot of sick people. But none of them topped mosquito guy. 45 y/o white male with no past medical history who appeared to be mentally normal. He comes to the ER early Sat morning for 2 "bumps" on his head. He noticed them yesterday. Do they itch? A little. Do they hurt? no. What are they you ask? 2 small mosquito bites...no signs or symptoms of infection. Thank GOD I was there to tell him to use calamine lotion and Benadryl!!!!! When he left, I turned to the nurse and said, "I am so blogging about that one."

In other news....it only took me 3 hours to come up with a chemotherapy regimen for a pt w/ recurrent metastatic breast cancer. Just so you know, it probably should have taken 5 minutes or at least I hope that is all it takes in a few years!!!! Slow and steady, slow and steady.

Brown Eyes

2008-07-04T21:15:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I had a first in the (small town) ER. I had a child taken away from his mother. I have seen this little boy MANY times for coughs, runny nose, etc. His mom bring him in ALL the time. He is never sick, usually just the latest virus. He is so cute with a blond crew cut and the sweetest brown eyes you have ever seen. He is so quite and such a good little guy. His mom is obvioulsy crazy. This has been apparent since the first time I saw him. All of the nurses know the mom and the child and talk about how she pulls him around in a wagon all over town at crazy hours and in all kinds of weather. She always has a different address, has no job, and I think she has some pysch diagnosis. I have wanted to call DHS before but I haven't because she has never given me a good reason. You have to have a good reason to call them or they just won't investigate. There has never been any evidence of abuse, just really bad parenting.

Anyway, when she brought him in this time she was particulary undone. She was VERY on edge. One of the nurses heard her on the phone talking about how she was going to learn how to cook crystal meth. When I went in the room she told me he was coughing and needed a breathing treatment. I told her I wanted to listen to his lungs and get a chest xray. She refused and said, "just give him a breathing treatment, I know what he needs." Then she jumped up and yelled, "you have no idea what I've been through, I am on the edge, I cannot listen to him cry anymore, I am going to lose it!" To that I said, "I'll be right back." All the while, the little guy is sitting there quite as a mouse.

Long story short, I called DHS and demanded they send someone now. I told them I could not send this child home with his mother without fearing for his safety. After several very loud interactions with the mom and calling the police, DHS finally arrived. They spent about 5 minutes with her and drug tested her (+ for cocaine) before they decided to take him into custody. Apparently, she has had 4 other children taken from her in the past. In my humble opinion she needs to have her uterus ripped out and run over by a MAC truck. But, that's just me.

I talked to the DHS worker and she said that the parental rights would likely be terminated. Then I asked her how I could adopt this child. She said it would take about 2 weeks to fast track me through the foster parent track and then once parental rights were terminated adoption procedures could start. I called Mere and she didn't think it was a crazy idea. We talked about it, I thought about it, and we talked about more.

Then I talked to my mom who has been in the "system" for many years as an attorney for children who are taken away from their parents. She burst our bubble and gave us a total reality check. Were we crazy? He probably has a lot of problems and we were opening a can of worms that we couldn't close. No way, no how, forget it!

So we woke up and realized....not a good idea. But I still can't get his amazing brown eyes out of my head. I hope he finds a good home and has a good life.

The mom? I told the nurses that if she shows up in a year w/ a new baby then they better take me in the back and drug me before letting me near her.

Typical reaction

2008-07-01T17:39:00.000-07:00

So today was my first day as a Heme/Onc fellow. It is so much better (and different) than being a resident. Of course, I'm still pretty clueless about chemo reactions, drugs, etc. But that doesn't mean I can't be the fellow on call for the chemo room. Nope, it doesn't matter that it is my first day and I don't know anything. Go ahead, call me when you don't know what else to do because I do (ha, ha, ha).

The first page came around 10am (not bad at all). I had just finished rounding with the inpatient team and was really enjoying NOT being the resident. I even felt sorry for the intern (but only for a second). The nurse on the other line said, "please get down here we are having a reaction." So to the chemo room I went. I walked in and the nurse at the desk motioned me to the back of the room (this was my first time to ever visit the infusion room). The entire time I'm wondering how serious this is...what kind of reaction are we talking about? How am I supposed to know what is going on?

When I get to the patient, nurse Bill is standing over him. He is breathing fast w/ definate wheezing I could hear without a stethoscope. His his heart was beating fast and he was flushed from head to toe. His vital signs were stable and he was not in any acute danger. The following is the conversation I had w/ nurse Bill (thank God for nurse Bill).

Me: "What was he getting?"
Nurse: "He was 30 minutes into his infusion of carboplatim (I had to google how to spell it)"
Me: "Is this his first infusion?"
Nurse: "No this is his 3rd cycle."
Me (to the patient): "Has this ever happened before?"
Patient: "No"
Nurse: "The typical carboplatim reaction usually happens after a few cycles because the toxicity builds up"
Me: blank stare followed with "what's a typical carboplatim reaction?"
Nurse: "Wheezing, flushing, tachycardia"
Me: "What do you normally do for it?"
Nurse: "Steroids and benadryl."
Me: "Sounds good."
Nurse: "Done"
Me: "ok"

Another nurse walks up to me and asked if I can talk to Dr. G on the phone (the attending for this patient). He tells me to stop the chemo, give him benadryl and steroids and send him home once he feels better.

Me to Nurse: "Well, let me know if he gets worse or doesn't get better"
Let me note that the patient was doing MUCH better by this point
Nurse: "Ok doctor, thanks for your help."

Help? Clearly this nurse was smoking crack.

Me: "You realize I am brand new and I don't know ANYTHING. Please feel free to teach me, correct me, and tell me what you think. I promise I won't get offended."
Nurse: "Cool"

All I have to say is thank God I was there. Man, what would nurse Bill have done without me?

What did I do next? Read about carboplatin!

2 posts, one day

2008-06-27T08:58:00.000-07:00

I know I just finished a post but there is something else I wanted to talk about but couldn't find a place for it in the last post.

I was sure this was the month. Mere has been tired, moody, and eating beef....none of which is normal for her. She has had a few bouts of nausea. I just knew she was pregnant. Well, aunt flo came this morning to prove me wrong...again. I haven't been getting my hopes up but this time I had. We were supposed to have a baby by now and we don't even have a pregnancy! My patience is really starting to wear thin.

We have started night weaning Layne in hopes that this will help Mere get preggo sooner. My big fear is that she is going to have to stop nursing to get pregnant. I don't want that because they both love their nursing relationship so much. I don't want it to end before they are ready. I feel responsible. If I could have just gotten pregnant (as the original plan called for) then Layne could keep happily nursing and Mere wouldn't have to be back on the 2 wk cycle of hell. Why couldn't I just get pregnant??????

So, here is the latest plan. After I get through with the boards (August 12th), if Mere is not preggo then I am going back to the repo endo doc. Yes, the thought of more IVF makes me want to puke but the desire for a baby is growing. One of us needs to be pregnant dammit!!!! We are not getting any younger. So she has 2 months to get pregnant b/f we start w/ our egg donor (news to her as she reads this blog) on another journey. Dear God, please let Mere get pregnant. Please. Please. Please.

The End. And Beginning.

2008-06-27T08:06:00.001-07:00

I remember the first day of my intern year. I walked into the ICU with my new white coat, my new stethoscope, and a shiny, black pager ready to work. I knew it would be hard but I really had no idea. I remember the end of that first day....I loved it! There was so much action and excitement and I was finally doing what I always wanted to do. Fast foward to now, I will be done w/ my residency on Monday. 3 years later and everything has changed. That shiny, new pager? I CANNOT wait to hand it in....688-2727, not my number anymore! There were times that I just wanted to stomp on it, throw it out the window, and cause it pain (ok, I know that sounds crazy). After my intern year I turned it to vibrate because the shrill beeping made my skin crawl. Yes, I will always have a pager but it will never go off as much as this one did.

The new coats? Well, they have all been worn out and long since put in the trash. I now have 2 white coats w/o any name or title which I wear occasionally. The new stethoscope? It was stolen a few months ago....so I'm waiting for another new one.

The biggest change: I'm a doctor. It doesn't scare me to walk into the ICU anymore. For 3 years I have been thrown into the fire and I come out with the confidence of knowing I can practice medicine. I have learned a lot and I have a lot more to learn.

The transition is anticlimatic for me. Monday I'm a resident and Tuesday I'm a fellow. Monday I belong to the department of internal medicine, Tuesday I belong to the dept of Heme/Onc. A lot of the people that I went through med school and residency with are moving away....going out of state for fellowships or getting jobs. People I have suffered with for 7 years that I probably won't see again for a long time. There are also a lot of us sticking around here for our fellowships....wondering if we are crazy for continuing when we could be done. Envious of those leaving UAMS for greener pastures. Ready to face new challenges (but scared too).

Should I be sad at the end of this part of my journey? Maybe, but I'm not. I am so happy that I'm done. I'm so ready to move on to the next (and last step) of my training. I never thought I would be going into Oncology but I know it is the best field for me and I think I'm going to be so happy that I did it. I just can't believe it's over....I did it! Thank GOD!

I think the most profound part of this experience is thinking about our family. When I started residency Syd was 2 years old....2! Now, she is 5 1/2 and turning into such an amazing little girl. In 3 more years, she will be 8. Layne wasen't here at the beginning of our residency journey, now she is 19 months old. She will be 4 when I finish, OMG. It's hard to wish away your training when time is also making your kids grow. Hopefully, when I write about finishing fellowship, there will be more kids to mention.

So, on Tuesday I start in the chemo room. I'm excited, scared, nervous, and relieved. I am finally on the home stretch. 3 more years and I'm done!!!! Here we go again......

BAD blogger

2008-06-23T18:47:00.001-07:00

Conversation w/ Mere:

Her, "I saw your blog. Who tagged you?"
Me, "It was Jenn"
Her, "You know you should ALWAYS say who tags you when you respond to a tag"
Me, "oh"
Her, "You need to put that you your blog"

So, to Jenn (aka Amateur Mama)....I'm sorry I didn't recognize the fact that you tagged me!!!! Apparently, my blog manners suck :))

Tagged!!

2008-06-18T19:29:00.000-07:00

I'm still catching up on reading all of my regular blogs. I was tagged in May and I'm just now finding it!!!

Here it is:
How long have you been married? 9 years (10 in April!!)

Where did you meet? We met at work. I was the intern and she had been working there for several years. I had a HUGE crush on her for about a year before we became friends. Then I found out she was straight....yeah right. Another 6 months later and, well, lets just say she realized she wasen't straight.

How long did you date? Hmmmm....not sure. After our first kiss we only spent a few nights apart and a year later we got "married" at a protest in DC during the March on Washington. We are still waiting for the day we can get married here.

How old is she? 39

Who eats more? Probably equal or maybe me

Who said “I love you” first? Me

Who is taller? I'm not sure....I think Mere

Who sings better? Me...of course...yeah, neither one of us could be in a choir

Who is smarter? We are smart in different ways. She is much more mathmetical and is really good at puzzles and putting things together. I'm better at studying!

Whose temper is worse? That would without a doubt be me.

Who does the laundry? She does, we used to share that chore but now that she is at home I don't think I've done laundry in a long time. I'm not complaining.

Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? Meredith

Who pays the bills? Mere. It used to be me until she started staying home. Much like the laundry, I don't miss it.
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Who cooks dinner? Only me....Mere is allergic to cooking and I love it.

Who drives when you are together? Mere, I NEVER drive when we are together and I don't know why.

Who is more stubborn? Me.

Who kissed whom first? I kissed her because she basically told me that she was NOT going to kiss me first.

Who is the first to admit to being wrong? We both have a problem with that but Mere is definately more willing to admit to being wrong. I'm still working on that.

Whose parents do you see the most? My mom, she lives 30 minutes away. That is all I'm going to say about that.

Who proposed? She did

What’s her best physical attribute? I love it all but the eyes and the eyebrows are just so AWESOME.

Who has more friends? I'd say about equal. Now that she is doing Daisy Scouts she has become quit the socialite at Syd's school

What are you most proud of her for? Being such an awesome mom and making such a great life for us

Who has more siblings? She does

Who wears the pants in the family? We are equal. There are some things I insist on and some things she insist on

I'll tag Raz-ma-taz.

Saying Goodbye SUCKS!!!!

2008-06-14T20:06:00.001-07:00

I remember the day like it was yesterday. It was the beginning of our first semester of medical school and we were standing over a cadaver trying to study for our first big Gross Anatomy test and he was there. We clicked immediately. He had a way of remembering stuff that actually stuck with me, he wasen't competitive, he was sincere and funny. I remember getting in the car and telling Mere, "I met a really good friend today." Fast foward 7 years and 4 kids later (between us both) and you have an amazing friendship that will last forever. My best friend, Matt left today. He moved his family to Pennsylvania to start a career as a pediatrician. I know it is a good move for them but I miss him already.

When I met Matt he was a single, Jewish guy living with his parents in Arkansas...with little hope for finding a Jewish wife in his current location. Now he has a beautiful wife (who I am happy to call a GREAT friend) and 2 perfect children. When he met me, Mere and I didn't have any kids and were still adjusting to life in Arkansas. He was the one who predicted we were pregnant the time that we actually were and then he predicted the due date (and was right). He was the first male to hold Sydney. I will never forget how tiny she looked in his arms. He was the first person I called when Layne started having trouble breathing in the nursery....he is the lifeline that kept me from losing it.

We have been through so much together. So many LATE, LATE nights in med school when no one else could truly understand the hell. So many afternoon study sessions in his tiny apartment (after he moved out of his parent's house) eating pretzels and hot pockets. Marathon sessions at Sufficient Grounds just trying to cram in all the information. Long talks about the future and what field of medicine we would enter. I will never forget how excited he was after our first pediatric small group when he KNEW what he would spend the rest of his life doing.

After med school we formed a great group of young couples with kids working through residency and continued to lean on each other. He has always been one person I can call on for ANYTHING. Broken toilet? No problem. Broken heart? No problem. He knows everything about me and never judges. We have had so many real conversations and experiences together. Watching our kids play and grow together, watching our spouses bond, and becoming REAL doctors all with each other!

Matt, I am so lucky to have you in my life and I will really miss you. This is not goodbye because we will be seeing a lot of each other in the years to come...it will just take more planning. And you better start working on Keren and the cruise now if we want to do it in the next 5 years :)

So...to my token jew from your token lesbian...I love you and I will miss you. Oh yeah, and go kick some butt in PA!!! Or at least take care of some ear infections or whatever it is you pediatricans do :)

It's all good!

2008-06-13T17:00:00.000-07:00

Results: normal CT scan

Here is Sydney describing the procedure in her own words.

So it's either poor eyesight or migraines. We're investigating both.

PLEASE be an OVERREACTION!!!

2008-06-12T19:10:00.000-07:00

Ok....so I am at work (in small town ER) and I am a nervous wreck. I know I won't sleep tonight so I might as well blog...right?? Besides, I need everyone to say, "it will be ok...you are crazy and overreacting." And, if you don't feel that way after this blog then don't say ANYTHING!

So, for the last month or so Syd has been having headaches. Most of the time it is when she is tired and it seems like she is looking for attention. But it has been off and on and not always just when she is tired. Before we went on vacation she was complaining of a headache and then she threw up....just once. There was a bug going around at school so we attributed it to that and kept going. While we were on vacation she did not have any headaches but I did notice that she didn't eat much (which isin't abnormal for her). Yesterday she started complaining of a headache and upset stomach again. It was after a long day at a friend's house and she seemed fine, but still. One of our friends who is a pediatrician suggested that she may need her eyes checked. She had a brief eye exam at her doctor's office last year and it was normal. We have asked her to read a few things far away and she seems to have no trouble with this. I know you know where this is going but let me tell you why.......

One of the nurses that I work with in small town hospital has a grandson with a brain tumor. I have heard the story several times about how he had nagging headaches for several months. All the usual investigations were done and nothing came up.....after about a month they did a CT scan and their worst nightmare was realized.

So I talked to our ped doctor today and he agreed that we should do a CT scan. He also thinks it is nothing but he still AGREED to do a CT SCAN!!!! Now I'm scared. I know it is nothing because it has to be nothing but I'm still really terrified. This fear has been lurking in the back of my mind for the last month. I was hoping all of this would resolve and we wouldn't need to investigate it but she continues to complain of headaches and unfortunately for her I am paranoid. I'm also worried that we are exposing her to radiation for no reason.....she is so young to have all that radiation. But, we have to look. PLEASE LET THIS BE NOTHING!!! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE.

Keep us in your prayers tommorrow.

Home Sweet Home

2008-06-11T08:41:00.000-07:00

Thank GOD we are home. Great vacation, loads of fun, NO complaints but so happy to be home. The board review was great, exactly what I needed and I loved having so much time in NY. For the first time in a long time, I don't want to live in NYC. I think 9 days cured me of that fantasy. Of course, I will always love it and we will always visit often but I think visiting is my limit.

We were fortunate enough to see Wicked, Rent, and The Little Mermaid. Can I say that Wicked was super, duper, incredibly AWESOME!!!!! Of course, so were Rent and Little Mermaid. But, Wicked was definately the top....I could see it over and over and over again.

Syd loved the Museum of Natural History b/c there were dinos and a horse exhibit...talk about heaven for our little animal lover. Of course, she calls it the "night at the museum." Out of all the fun stuff we did, that was her favorite part. Even better than swimming w/ the dolphins...go figure.

Layne was really good. She sat through a ton of dinners in nice restaurants, the Lion King, and The Little Mermaid. She learned how to say "no" and "mommy" on this trip. She grew a lot and is starting to get some hair!

Mere navigated the subway and buses w/ both girls during the day while I took my course and she was a pro by the time we left. I'm not sure if I would have had the gusto to take them both all day, everyday into the city....but she did...they squeezed every moment out of our vacation.

And I got to shop. OMG, the "fake" purses on canal street....amazing!!! I got 5 and would have gotten more but I had to carry the damn things all through the city. Next time I am going there last and buying as many purses as I can get! The girls were all very good sports while I did my shopping.....I seem to be alone in loving this pasttime. But, Layne sure does like shoes so there may be some hope for a future shopping buddy.

Now, I have to go catch up on reading all of your blogs. I feel like I have been so out of the loop:)

Priceless moments

2008-05-23T17:37:00.000-07:00

This vacation has gotten off to a wonderful start!!! We have had such an amazing week. I thought I would share some priceless moments of the week.

1. Giggidy, giggidy, giggidy, giggidy (ok....I know only a few of you will get this one)
2. Maddie overcoming her fear and touching a stingray
3. Late night talk with my sister in law
4. Watching Maddie, Colin, and Syd get pulled into the Lion King show at Animal Kingdom and dance with the cast
5. Layne's face everytime she saw a new animal and waved, "hi"
6. Hysterical laughing at the most ridiculous stuff
7. Senor smoothy buns
8. Sydney in Dinoland....need I say more? Follow it with, "when I grow up I'm going to be a paleontologist."
9. Snorkeling with Sydney in the coral reef.....underwater, holding hands, just us...amazing!
10. Layne touching the stingrays and laughing hysterically
11. Quality time with family

It has been soooooo great. Now onto my dad's for some much needed rest and relaxation but I will really miss the Maddie and Colin (and, I KNOW syd will)

One more weekend!!!!

2008-05-16T09:23:00.000-07:00

This is the last weekend I work before taking a 3 week vacation. Yes, 3 weeks. OMG!!!!! I cannot wait. We start in Orlando w/ my SIL (Megan) and my niece and nephew for a week of Discovery cove, Sea World, Animal Kingdom, and whatever else suits our fancy. Then off for 3 days to my dad's house where we will hang on the beach, go on the boat, and relax. From there we go 3 more days at Mere's parents house where we will hopefully play cards and visit. I love playing cards with my in laws!!!! Then we fly to New York (well, actually New Jersey) for 9 days. The first weekend my mom is going to come and watch the girls so we can go see Rent and Wicked....have been waiting FOREVER to see Wicked. My mom and sister are going to take the girls to Lion King (it will be Syd's second time and she is so excited), good luck w/ Layne. Then I start a 5 day board review course so Mere and the girls will be entertaining themselves. Shouldn't be to hard seeing as how we are 8 miles from Manhattan...oh yeah. Then the last weekend it will just Mere, the girls, and me....who knows what we will do....I know we will have fun. I can't stand it....I'm so excited. We have not had a real vacation in over a year. I can't wait to spoil the girls and sleep w/ them for 21 days. I think I'm going to hyperventillate.

So, here I am in small town, AR moonlighting for the weekend. I can't quit smiling....I don't even care if I sleep because I am almost done :)))))

Graduation Day

2008-05-08T10:29:00.000-07:00

Today is the day. My baby girl is graduating from kindergarten. I remember the day she was born like it was yesterday. I remember thinking, "OMG, this is my daughter. My daughter. I'm a mom. I'm in love." I swear it was yesterday. How is this happening???? Before we know it she going to be way too cool for us.

But today she still loves to snuggle and hug and sit in my lap. I'm going to soak it up as long as I can.

I can't wait to go to her ceremony tonight and watch her sing and dance and walk across the stage in her little white cap and gown. We found the cutest dress for her and a heart locket (that will be a suprise) to give her before her show. Of course we are having mac and cheese for dinner....Syd's favorite. I can't wait to get home and curl her hair (at her request) and dote on her.

I'm so proud of our little girl. Stay tuned for super cute pics! Now, if Layne can just behave during the graduation (crossing fingers and praying).

*****Update******

The graduation was awesome!!!!! Sydney did such an excellent job during her show and all the kids were so great. It really is fun to watch them all grow up and change. These events always remind me of how much I love Syd's school and our community. How did Layne do?? Great...she was actually a little transfixed. I think she enjoyed watching her "ba ba" perform. I know pics are in order but Mere has control of the camera and she took a gazillion pics. So go to her blog and bug her to post them (I want to show them off at work!).